I Know You Were Adopted But...Part II

Don't be angry.  This is not a post against adoptees but against the broad generalization that I've been reading lately on some adoptee blogs that characterize adoptive parents as naive.  It is insinuated that although we are "well intented" in our quest to expand our families through adoption we really don't have a clue and should confess as much.  Admit to the world that we are woefully unprepared to take on the challenges that come with adopting and accept that our "love conquers all" (so implied) attitude is both antiquated and misplaced because the transformative issues associated with adoption are too complex.  Love is only a band aide. 

To me it implies that there should be shame in not knowing how to best parent an adopted child.  That we should wear t shirts that read "I'm Well Intended But..." or "My Kids Adopted Which Means I Don't Have A Clue".   When I read adoptee blogs that go on and on that adoptive parents think this and adoptive parents say that I think to myself so what's your point?  What is it really that you're trying to say because from where I stand (over here on the side of raising children) I hear judge, judge, judge.  And from what I've seen the harshest critics of adopted parents are by adoptees who are. not. parents.

I don't care if you are adopted, biological or sprouted from a bush alongside leprechauns, unless you have walked a mile in my parenting shoes don't pretend to understand my motives or my heart. 

I don't mean to sound patronizing (I actually may be past that point) but isn't it clearly stating the obvious that as parents, biological or adoptive, we have no idea what we're getting in to when we take on the responsibility of children?

I have two children.  One biological and one adopted and I thought they were both going to be a ray of sunshine because they were mine!  How do you explain to someone that half of the time parenting is like swimming in a kiddie pool of pirhannas?  You can't!  You look at that first picture of your newly adopted child or feel your baby moving inside of you and you think perfection.  Sweet, baby-faced perfection...

Of course we had no idea what we were getting into-especially when we adopted our children.  Yes, we read, we obsessed, we furiously became a member of adoptive forums and blogs and we really did try and prepare ourselves to become the parent that our future child needs.  I have met very, very few adoptive parents who have been naive enough to think that it will be lollipops and roses once they are home with their adopted son or daughter.  And I have met fewer that didn't go to even greater lengths to educate themselves after their children were home in order to guide them on their journey of grief and abandonment trauma. 

What do we have if we don't have a "love conquers all" attitude because the root of that purposeful, determined emotion is hope.  Didn't you have that kind of love when you married? Weren't you swept away in a love that you believed could carry you through the rest of your life?  Wasn't hope the core of that promise you made on your wedding day and because of love itself you believe it will carry you through any trial? Sickness and health.  Better or worse.  Richer or poorer. 

Can we all say that we knew what marriage would bring?  Could we predict that in the midst of love there would be hurt and sorrow?  Were we wrong to believe on that most important day that by saying yes to forever we were acknowledging that love would indeed conquer all?  I don't think so. 

I believe that love can conquer anything.  I believe that the heart can heal and become renewed because of love.  I know that my daughter can overcome her adoption trauma because of perfect love.  But hear me clearly when I say that I recognize that my love will never be enough.  I am talking about a redemptive, grace filled love from our Creator Who can heal any wound, mend any soul and redeem any wrong. 

Jesus walked this Earth so that we could learn what perfect love looks like.  You see, we are bound by our limitations.  God is not. We are promised that we can claim victory to any burden, any sorrow through Christ.  I believe that for my children.  Can I do it for them? No.  But I can teach them how to receive it-God will do the rest.

The next time you think about questioning the motives of an adoptive parent-ask yourself this question first.  What is it in you that makes you point a finger and say you're not good enough, you're not well intended enough, your eyes are not opened enough??  Life is all about on the job training and sometimes you just don't get it until you live it. 

I wore rose colored glasses before becoming a parent.  I said "HELL YEAH! Sign me up!"  and thanks goodness for my naive optimism because this parenting thing is tough.  I couldn't have forseen the angst and anguish that comes with raising another human being and nobody could have told me different.  I had to do it to believe it. 

I don't think adoptive parents need to justify why they choose to adopt.  I also don't think adoptees need to justify why they choose to find their birth families.  All of us were born.  None of us were asked to choose our parents beforehand.   At some point we all have a choice.  Maybe for a million different reasons it didn't start off that way but it certainly ends up that way. 

I keep my rose colored glasses tucked neatly away in a drawer.  I don't need them anymore.  But, they are a good reminder that I jumped in with both feet, propelled by love and hope into a great unknown *