My Love

Octuplets make 14

I'm sure everyone has read or heard about the California mother of six who just recently gave birth to eight babies as a result of IVF. The mother, Nadya Suleman, is a once-divorced single mother who at the age of thirty-three now has fourteen children. This morning she made her TV debut on NBC's Today show and talked to Ann Curry about her desire to have children and how she felt about her new octuplets. It seems that the media has been quick to vilify this woman and immediately called into question her right to have IVF on top of "already" having six other children.
I have opinions good and bad about this woman's decisions, yet realize that every argument-especially those that question her right to reproductive treatments-lead us down a very slippery slope of ethics, morality and personal responsibility and freedoms.

First let me say that by every account these eight children are a miracle. They are for the most part healthy and doing well and that in itself is just amazing. Our bodies were not created for the nurturing and birthing of eight children yet it was done and both mother and children are doing remarkably well despite the obvious risks that they faced at birth.

From what I have read I understand this woman has been on disability due to a back injury since 2002. She says that her work related injury kept her in near constant pain and was the primary reason for her divorce. So far she has collected $165,000 in disability payments but says that she "refuses to go on welfare" and currently lives with her mother.
There are so many questions to be answered in a case that has caused so much alarm. First it has to be stated that this woman has repeatedly admitted to wanting babies to fill a void that she had growing up without siblings and never getting to experience that attachment. She admitted to depression and after the birth of her first child says that it "helped her spirits". Her own mother has come out saying that she is-by most accounts-a pretty normal girl except for her "baby obsession" and does not understand her motivations for continuing to become pregnant via IVF. She now has fourteen children under the age of seven, without a father to help care for, provide and raise these children and it sounded like the mother was not sure if she would be able or willing to help her in the future. Also, how is it possible if she was in such constant pain that she didn't want her husband to have to live his life "dealing with her pain", that she though it was okay to bring all of these children in to her life? How is she going to physically (let's not even mention emotionally) care for all of these precious babies?
I think it is not unreasonable to ask the question of why so many embryos are allowed to be implanted at one time. Nadya Suleman said that in EACH of her IVF treatments that six embryos were implanted at one time including this past cycle that led to eight children. Having so many children at one time not only puts the mother's health at risk, but the lives of the unborn children are compromised as well. How in the world is she going to pay for all of these children? It seems like the State is going to end up subsidizing these children either through welfare or Medicaid as she is unemployed at the time. She plans on going back to school in the fall to finish her degree (Masters or PhD) to become a counselor to provide for her children. If you ask me that sounds a bit unrealistic for a single mother of 14 to continue with school when she doesn't even know the special needs of her new babies at this time.
How does she plan on caring for all of these children on her own? Just the feeding and diapering alone would be a challenge for a married couple and a core of volunteers but you're talking about a woman who is single, already has six YOUNG children and is living with the stigma of having done something wrong? I am curious to see how many people volunteer their services or if companies will be banging down her door to offer her free diapers or formula. For the sake of the children I hope so but you can see where the discouragement may come in to play.
How on this good earth did she afford all of her IVF treatments?! If there is an insurance out there that covers it then please, fill me in because my fertility treatment was not covered by our insurance. Did she use disability payments to fund her IVF. I have NEVER heard of anyone who has been able to afford so many cycles of IVF-ever.
This is a quote from the Today show:

“I'm providing myself to my children. I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally,” she told Curry. “Everything I do, I'll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I'm sure there are many that do, but many don't. And that's unfortunate. That is selfish.”

Unfortunately, I find her statement to be naive and quite frankly she sounds like she's in denial. Being a parent is more than just being present for our children. It takes time, energy and an emotional investment on a daily basis for each and every child that we have. There is no way that any of these 14 children, 8 of them who are at the same level of development and need, can get the attention that they deserve from their mother. It's just not possible and it's incredibly sad.

I think that social services should have a hand in this matter immediately to make sure that neglect does not become an issue. She may not purposefully intend to do so and by all accounts she loves her children, but she can only do so much on her own and the protection and well being of those children must take a priority.

As a woman who has never been able to conceive on her own, I can understand and sympathize with the primal desire to have a child. It is a gift and the reason that our bodies were created so beautifully by God. However, I also believe that we begin making decisions for our children before becoming parents. Do you we wait until we are financially secure? Are we in a healthy place emotionally with ourselves and our marriages so that our children are a loving addition, not a stress, on our relationships? Can we commit the time and energy to the children that we have before adding more?

In closing let me just say that as parents it's no longer about what we want, desire or need. There are so many excellent mothers who would love to have more children but understand that what is best for their family is not always what their hearts desire. We may have a need to fill a gap or hole emotionally but our existing children have the RIGHT to parents who can be there for them in every capacity.

Inauguration

I literally have sat down three times to write something about President Obama and can not think of anything to say except....

Congratulations. I didn't vote for you but will respect the Office of the President.

Yep. That's about it.

Are You Still My Mommy?

This is what Prim asked me a few days ago. It was night time. The bedtime routines were done, teeth brushed, books read. I was tucking her in after saying our prayers and she asked me "Mommy, are you still my Mommy?". What a big question for such a little girl. I replied that yes, of course, I was her Mommy forever and ever. And then she said "Daddy my Daddy?". Yes, honey. Daddy will always be your Daddy.
This was a poignant moment for me and I realize that her question comes at an emotional time for our family. With H one week away from deploying to Iraq we are all reaffirming our position in the family and Prim is no exception. She can feel the change coming. The past few weeks have been busy and stressful. I admit as only a mother can, that I feel guilty for the amount of time I have had to leave her or ask her to play on her own. Her anxiety, as always, comes out at night. Bedtime becomes a battle ground, we go back to basics and start all over again. She tests, she pushes, she demands and yet some how in all of this she matures, she learns and our love for her grows stronger.
I am convinced my little girl is an old soul. She has wisdom beyond her years and the changes that we often take in stride leave her wandering and aimless. We know now to grab hold of her and keep her tight. That to get her over these hurdles we stand firm and do not let the circumstances of the beginning of her life sway our choices in raising her.
I know that this question will be the first of many to come and it makes me smile. My daughter is not one to take life lightly and I know that she will want to know it all. It is indicative of her spirit and I love that about her.
I hope one day, when she is an adult and begins a family of her own, that she has never doubted that I was a mother to her in every way. That there are moments when I feel suddenly jarred by the realization that she did not come from me.
These next six months will be difficult for her and G. She will wonder why Daddy isn't home yet and will ask every day where he is. G will be sad and when the weeks start to tick by I think it is then that he will finally understand the length of his absence. Someone told me once that every trial and challenge is an opportunity for growth. I hold that close to my heart and know that although this is difficult for us all, we will grow in faith and love. To my husband I say I am proud of you. We sacrifice together but in very different ways-all for the sake of a country we love. It may not be easy but what ever is? Like I always tell G, just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not worth fighting for.
To all of my girlfriends whose husbands are deployed, may God bless you and keep you and may they come home safe. We are all still Mommies and Daddies are still Daddies, no matter where we are in the world...

How Do You Say Goodbye After Just Saying Hello?

Dearest Prim,
How do I explain to you that daddy is leaving soon? What do I say to help you understand that it won't be forever but at times it may seem like it. In just a few weeks daddy will leave for Iraq. After only saying our first hello seventeen months ago we will have to say goodbye. You've had so many goodbyes-too many for such a little girl. How will you handle another disruption....someone else who leaves your life unexpectedly. My heart aches for you and your brother. It took such a long time to finally give your heart to this man who replaced one that you had already loved as your own. Now he leaves and every morning when you ask me where daddy is-just like you always do-I will have to explain all over again that daddy is at work and won't be coming home for a while.
My precious babies I hope you will understand that our sacrifice allows daddy to serve our country. That we are all a part of something bigger than ourselves and that our strength will come from God and our love for each other. We love you so very much. We know that this will be difficult but we also know that God will not give us what we can't handle. One day I hope you see that distance can never separate love and that joy can be found in sadness. We are a family forever.

Romans 8:38-9 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRIM!!

prim's third birthday at Disneyland! A princess in the making!

I VOTED TODAY!!

Go McCain/Palin!!