Tuesday, January 25, 2011

She Knows She's Different

It wasn't too long ago that Prim sat on my lap, crying so sadly and with such depth that I couldn't help but cry right along with her.  She said to me, "I missed you when I was a baby", and in that moment I got that she understood her life has been different.  I can not deny that things are going to be different for her.  I can not pretend away her hurt and grief that still lurks in her five year old mind.  Her adoption and the subsequent trauma of abandonment are imprinted on her soul.  The only question is what she's going to do with what she's been given.
I can see now that she is working through some things.  She is trying to be this independent little girl while still clinging to the parents she hopes won't abandon her.  Even after all of this time, somewhere deep down, she doesn't believe she will wake up in the morning and we will still be here.  And I don't blame her.
Adoption is hard. But not because it's hard for me.  It's because my daughter hurts.  Everything changed for her.  She had to fit into our world and there are days I watch her play and smile and wonder who she would be if she were still thousands of miles away surrounded by what was always familiar.
There is nothing more difficult as a mother to watch your child suffer and suffer she certainly has.  I pray that God watches over my sweet girl.  That He stands in the gap on the days when I don't know what to do or how to do it.  That He becomes Love for her that is fulfilling and complete in every way.  I pray that He gives me the wisdom to do right by her and show her compassionate and patience.   I hope she can feel how much I love her, how much I care for her and who she is.  Because she deserves everything this world has to offer.

8 comments:

Kristin said...

This is such a hard thing for me...I want so much to protect my son from this kind of pain, but also I know it's inevitable. It breaks my heart. Thank you for sharing.

RamblingMother said...

Precious girl. Such a hard thing to hear and such a difficult thing for her to process.

Mireille said...

I feel for Grace, it really affected her deep down. But I so hope that she will give it a place in her life and can deal with it, but with you as a mother she has a pretty good darn chance!

Catiejoyce said...

Thank you for this honest post. I will be praying for her so much that God will heal those hurts and fears. I am praying for you as it is so hard to know your child is hurting and you can't help. May God continue to complete the GOOD work He began in her life (Phil. 1:6)

Wendy said...

What Mireille said.

Jay and Chandra and Penny Regan said...

Since our daughter was already an adolescent, she is better able to begin to process what she's been through. But, it's still painful and hard. She was just sharing last night about how she'll never forget the moment when her Thai foster parents took her back to the orphanage and left her there instead of adopting her. In response, I told her that I could only imagine how painful that was. She, on her own, then said that she now knows that adoption is different. I had recently explained that an adoption means that you are considered no different from a biological child in the eyes of the law. In fact, that is why she is granted a Colorado state birth certificate. And I have reassured her countless times that now we will stay her parents no matter what happens. Just keep reassuring her and that love will help to heal her loss even though it will always be a part of her life.

Jay and Chandra and Penny Regan said...

Another thing I forgot to mention is I think it's very important to reiterate that it is no fault of their own that their birth parents or foster parents made the decisions that they did. I want her to know that she is not to blame.

hirallysantiago@gmail.com said...

As Mireille said but it still not easy, is a road they have to walk through for healing to begin as painful as it is for them and us a parents. And as you ask for I also ask for the wisdom to help my little one now and across the many hurdles to come.

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