A Repost: Resistence is Futile

As this months marks the three year anniversary of Prim's homecoming, I have been reflecting on all that we have endured. One thing that I love about my husband is that he always manages to make me smile-even when we feel like we are in the depths of despair (to quote Anne Shirley).  
On one particular night in Thailand, shortly after Prim came into our care full time, our little one collapsed from exhuastion on my chest and any attempt to move her was met with angry tears. Thankfully, H took over my writing duties and posted this from our hotel in Bangkok:

I am Prim and I am being oppressed by an international triad. An Asian man whom I believe to be the leader, though I have doubts because the Puerto-Rican looking lady gives him a lot of orders and a little boy, who's pretty easy on the eyes. I am not sure what country they are from because the man and woman speak to each other in English, but the man and the boy speak to each other in French, and the man speaks under his breath about the lady in what I think is Vietnamese. When the little boy watches a show about a girl and her monkey friend, I thought I heard him say something in Spanish...I am soooo confused.
But I digress... I was able to steal a minute alone by making cute faces. Now they are scurrying for their precious cameras to take ransom photos of me. I am typing on this white machine that belongs to the woman which the man doesn't like because it's not a PC but something called a Mac. Today they took me to their embassy to get my legal documents so they could take me to their basecamp. After that, we went to the river and went on a boat ride. Apparently the man chose poorly, because he picked the slowest boat in the canal. I tried to flag down everyone I saw, but they just thought I was being cute and waved back. After what seemed like a eternity, we hit land and stopped at this hole in the wall where they tried to shove food down my throat. I was so excited when we got to the King's Palace because surely he would stop these people from showering me with love, but he wasn't home. Then it started thundering and lightning so we jumped in a taxi and sat in traffic for an hour and a half. The man left the taxi at the embassy and sent us to their hotel, but somehow when we finally got there, he was already there waiting. He must have teleporting abilities like the guy on the television show "Heroes".
They didn't want to risk having me escape like last night so they had food brought to the room. I tried to gross the woman out by dipping my french fries into her ketchup, licking it clean and putting the french fries back into the pile. But again I failed because they just thought I was simply adorable (which I am). Tonight, I'll fall asleep on the woman again, because she has nice built-in pillows, whereas the man is uncomfortable because his chest is like finely chiseled stone and his arms are like twisted steel. I am starting to warm up to him though, because he's pretty nice and he makes me laugh. Tomorrow, they are taking me to this place called Hua Hin. Wish me luck.

A Therapist's Dream....

My usual morning routine involves emptying G's backpack of nick-nacks, papers, art projects and treasures found on the playground . I do it every morning even though I ask him every afternoon before homework to perform this menial task . Unfortunately, in between retrieving his homework and talking about whatever pops into his 1st grade mind, said papers are quickly forgotten and I am left to sort through a half dozen worksheets or journaling pages to make room for his Clone Wars lunch box. This morning time was on our side and with lunches made and ten minutes to spare I dug through the contents of his bag with gusto, greeted by two journaling pages from last week. One page detailed his future plans on becoming a scientist (an all inclusive job complete with glasses and a partner) and the other page contained only one sentence that said, "I felt left out when we obpted my sister". I quickly tossed aside the other paper and focused on this one sentence that left me with an immediate feeling of trepidation. The picture speaks volumes; Daddy holding adopted baby sister and G standing apart from the rest of the family. (I'm sure any therapist would dissect and evaluate this simple phrase and picture with the gusto of a professional chocolate taster.) In that moment I was transported to August, over two years ago when my little boy-only four years old then-cried and begged me to take his baby sister back. He was hurt and confused and angry at the one-girl-wrecking- machine we had dumped in his lap and all I could think was "what have I done?".
Those feelings were very difficult and unexpected for me. I didn't think I would have moments of regret in bringing home this beautiful little girl that we had longed for, prayed for, dreamed for. But I looked at this little boy that I had carried, nurtured and given every moment to for four years and felt caught off guard. No one can put into words the depth of emotions that you experience as an adoptive parent. We are told so often how noble our hearts are and how wonderful our intentions yet silently we suffer through moments of real despair, sadness and sometimes anger in acclimating our little ones into our family.
G was colicky as an infant. I do not remember feeling anger towards this baby that fussed for hours on end and had to be carried all hours of the day. But we brought home this little girl and for the first time I felt anger towards a child. Angry at myself because I couldn't meet her needs. Angry at myself because I couldn't soothe her pain and sorrow and I couldn't take away my son's feelings of being left out, forgotten and usurped by a stranger. One sentence written by my son brought all of this back and touched my heart because it is still present in his.
Today I learned that my son's memory is deeper than I imagined which makes me think of my sweet little girl, whose memories must reach beyond the depths of her understanding. This sentence made me realize that I do not have to feel guilty for his feelings of being left out or forgotten. It's a reminder to me that we all face challenges and have experiences that affect us for good and bad. I look at the memory written on his page and am happy that it is just that. A memory. When I talked to him about it he told me that he was sad when Prim came home but now is so happy because he doesn't have to be alone. That he has someone to play with all of the time. That he has a friend forever in his sister.
What we've learned shouldn't be discounted and I'm not upset that Gabe still remembers difficult feelings. I can't shelter him, keep him from hurting. He's grown, he's learned to love in the face of a situation he did not deem ideal. We've all gained and triumphed not because of our decision to adopt, but because of a little girl with big brown eyes. Our God is an awesome God. He does not promise that this life will be easy. He does not promise that we will be without pain and sorrow. What He does promise is that life with Him allows us to see the joy through our tears. Because of adoption my life-OUR life-is brighter and better not because of the act, but because through it God is revealed and glorified.

Last Post from Thailand

Tomorrow we head back to Bangkok to stay overnight and then leave early Wednesday morning. I'm excited to get home, hotel life is growing old although we love Hua Hin. Prim had a rough night last night so hopefully we can both nap today. Last night we went to a great market to buy a few trinkets but all in all our shopping experience has been pretty non existent. It was nice to see the night life and the kids love riding on the Tuk Tuks out in town. If you can believe it we ate at a Sizzler last night and then had Dairy Queen for dessert-the highlight of my culinary experience for the day. You know whne you haven't had something in so long and you taste it and it is SO GOOD!! That was my DQ ice cream last night. I don't think that Prim is used to eating such cold food, she got a funny look on her face but like any red blooded American child could not stay away and loved the cone the most.
We played on the beach for a while and she seeemed to enjoy it much more this time. The ocean was like bath water and she plopped herself down and made herself at home. Prim has no fear and kept going out further into the water, falling over and laughing while I was trying to drag her back and keep my camera dry. She's a wild woman and H and I refer to her as a one woman wrecking machine. Everything she touches ends up broken, on the floor or in some form of dissaray. Welcome to toddlerhood....again:) See you in the States.

Bye Bye Bangkok

We left Bangkok behind on Friday and headed down to Hua Hin. I can honestly say that it was with a thankful heart that we have finished that part of our journey. All of the paperwork and schedules are over and now it's just us trying to figure out how to be a family of four.
I must admit that Bangkok was not what I imagined. I have heard so many wonderful things about this big city and was immediately disspaointed when we arrived. It is, like many large cities, crowded with both people and cars. There are many large shopping malls, hundreds upon hundreds of places to eat and street vendors selling everything from soup to jewelry. There are noise and smells to overwhelm the senses every second of the day. The sun didn't shine through the smog and the clouds for more than a few hours the entire week.
The people were extremely friendly (as promised in the guide book) and there is a feeling of servitude that cannot be surpassed in the States. I really felt that the staff at the Amari went above and beyond to treat us with kindness and respect during our stay. I can not say enough about the work ethic demonstrated at that hotel and also here in Hua Hin. Every person seems to be working toward a common goal: service, cleanliness, kindness. It really is a treat to stay in a hotel here.
When we arrived in Hua Hin it became obvious as to why so many westerners flock to south east Asia. It is really beautiful and tropical with find sand beaches like those along the gulf coast in Florida. H and I both finally feel like we can relax and enjoy this country that has given us so an amazing gift.
Speaking of which.....Prim continues to do better each day in many respects. She has difficulty at night and seems to grieve mostly when she is very tired or in her sleep. She is insistent on sleeping right on top of me and while I can talk or watch tv, the moment I move she begins to cry and holds on for dear life. I think she afraid of waking up and not finding me there. The times when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and Hung takes her, she screams until I come back and then falls into a fitful sleep. She is warming up to Hung although he would beg to differ. She refuses to be in his arms and the times that he does have to hold her she gets very upset. Sometimes I walk beside him and hold her hand and talk to her but then I think about how the social workers did the same thing with me when we were first introduced and I wonder if this is helping or hurting. Right now I think the best thing is to go slow. I think that once we get home it will be a whole new ball game and she'll do better once we are into a predicatable routine.
Today we went to the beach, Prim's very first time. G loved it, especially because of the sand dollars and star fish that he found. There are horses right on the beach that you can ride with an escort. It's fun to watch people go by on horse back. H still thinks that we should take the kids for elephant rides but I object. In this case Mommy trumps Daddy. Riding the tuk-tuk and taxi boat already took a few years off of my life, I don't need any more excitement....
Prim did not like having her feet sandy but enjoyed jumping into small puddles of water as long as I held her hand. A different girl from the one who jumps right into the pool! This girl loves the water just like her brother. She has no fear and could care less when I dunk her under water. Trial by fire right? She will jump in without hesitation and loves to hang from the railing that leads into the pool. G has such a good time sliding down the water slide and there is a section that he can stand up in and swim around without daddy having to hold him all of the time. His swimming is awesome and I'm so amazed by how quicikly he's learned.
He's taking his "big brother" role in stride. Little sister likes to hit when she doesn't get her way or if I hold him or give him hugs so we are working on teaching her "gentle". She's picking it up quickly but tends to lash out when she doesn't get her way. Unfortunatley she's big enough for it to seem like she's trying to inflict bodily harm and G gets upset. He gets over it quickly and it's back to calling her LT Prim (he's Commander Gl) and trying to save the galaxy from the Dark Sith Lord or something like that.
After five days our little girl can say "Hi", "Bye, bye", "Da" (for daddy) and can sign "all done". She also understands when I sign "eat" to her and can give kisses and wave bye bye and blow a kiss. She calls me mom in Thai and asks for water and milk in Thai (she can also say a bunch of other words) and we say "water, milk and carry" in Thai. It's really cute to hear her babble in Thai. The language is tonal so her syllabels are different and it makes her jibberish fun to listen to. Prim is really happy being outside and does not like this hotel room either so we spend alot of time on the patio or walking around. There are koi ponds and a big parrot named Alex on the resort so it's a fun for the kids. There is a huge swinging lounge-like platform at the check in area and the breakfast is so very good. I give the Marriott a thumbs up here in Hua Hin:)
We are here until Tuesday and then we check out. We're only doing internet for 24 hours and then will use the free internet in the business office so this may be the last post with pictures. Enjoy!!

Pictures 2

Resistance is Futile

I am Prim and I am being oppressed by an international triad. An Asian man whom I believe to be the leader, though I have doubts because the Puerto-Rican looking lady gives him a lot of orders and a little boy, who's pretty easy on the eyes. I am not sure what country they are from because the man and woman speak to each other in English, but the man and the boy speak to each other in French, and the man speaks under his breath about the lady in what I think is Vietnamese. When the little boy watches a show about a girl and her monkey friend, I thought I heard him say something in Spanish...I am soooo confused.
But I digress... I was able to steal a minute alone by making cute faces. Now they are scurrying for their precious cameras to take ransom photos of me. I am typing on this white machine that belongs to the woman which the man doesn't like because it's not a PC but something called a Mac. Today they took me to their embassy to get my legal documents so they could take me to their basecamp. After that, we went to the river and went on a boat ride. Apparently the man chose poorly, because he picked the slowest boat in the canal. I tried to flag down everyone I saw, but they just thought I was being cute and waved back. After what seemed like a eternity, we hit land and stopped at this hole in the wall where they tried to shove food down my throat. I was so excited when we got to the King's Palace because surely he would stop these people from showering me with love, but he wasn't home. Then it started thundering and lightning so we jumped in a taxi and sat in traffic for an hour and a half. The man left the taxi at the embassy and sent us to their hotel, but somehow when we finally got there, he was already there waiting. He must have teleporting abilities like the guy on the television show "Heroes".
They didn't want to risk having me escape like last night so they had food brought to the room. I tried to gross the woman out by dipping my french fries into her ketchup, licking it clean and putting the french fries back into the pile. But again I failed because they just thought I was simply adorable (which I am). Tonight, I'll fall asleep on the woman again, because she has nice built in pillows, whereas the man is uncomfortable because his chest is like finely chiseled stone and his arms are like twisted steel. I am starting to warm up to him though, because he's pretty nice and he makes me laugh. Tomorrow, they are taking me to this place called Hua Hin. Wish me luck.

Ours at last

Our Friends,

It is 3 pm on Wednesday afternoon and our daughter is passed out on top of her Mommy, while G snoozes nearby in his bed. I am April's husband, a long time listener, first time caller. It as been a wonderful couple of days for us. We got Prim yersterday morning and she cried for 2 hours straight. She did everything she could to plead us for her release. At one point she thought she might find sympathy in G, who was about her size and might understand. When he wouldn't lead her to freedom, she held him in a life or death bearhug, to which he wished he would have stayed still in his corner and never set down the gameboy moments earlier. He has not fallen for the old bearhug from hell trick since. She finally collapsed, exhausted and out of strength.
She awoke in a rather good mood, perhaps her ruse to trick us into releasing her. We decided to go up to the pool deck where she watched G and I splash around. She decided that this must surely be the path to freedom and wanted to go in. Mommy took her below and changed her into a classy yet conservative 1 piece bathing suit. Unfortunately her first time in a pool got her 1 foot below the water, because Mommy jumped into the deep end rather than the shallow. It was no matter, because she absolutely loved it. Who would have thought that she was a water baby?
We showered, changed and took the skytrain to the mall for food and new shoes. It turns out Prim's feet are HUGE. I'm not kidding. It's like someone took a can of Vienna Sausages and used them as her toes. None of the shoes that Mommy brought fit her. The closest ones were sandals, and all of her toes hung over the front and wrapped themselves under the sole. On the way back, G fell asleep in my arms while Prim was not far behind. She actually slept peacefully through the night with a short interruption for a feeding at 1:30 AM. It seems her favorite position is actually on top of Mommy. We tried the "hug and roll" trick but to no avail. It only made her cry.
The next morning we got up early and got ready for the board meeting. She cried and pleaded for Pat as soon as she saw her and demanded for her immediate release, all the while chanting that "we do not negotiate with terrorists." The board went extremely well and they were all enamored with G, who sang them a song (If I could be a fishy) and wanted to answer all the questions for us via the microphone. One of the board members actually chased after us and asked to get a picture of us with her. We broke free from the group took a taxi back to our hotel. Midway through the bumper to bumper traffic, G decided he had to pee and so I ran him to a store while the taxi was gridlocked. I chased the Taxi down two blocks only to run past it, in the middle of traffic. It was quite a site to see, I assure you. We were drenched in sweat from the heat and humidity so Prim got her second shot in the pool as we tried to cool down.
Tomorrow we have the embassy Visa application and then off to Hua Hin. Prim is adjusting well to her to her incarceration with this strange family with foreign tongues, but refuses to have anything to do with me. April thinks it's because Foster Father was so close to her and I reminded her of him. I think it is simply because it is her silent protest to this unjust totalitarian state which has ripped her from everything she has known.

More Pictures

I'm going to post this link for more pics and see if this works....Click on the title for this post and hopefully it will lead you to the photobucket link for pictures. Since we have a Mac it may show up or not so I'm not positive how it will turn out:)

And Prim Makes Four

Our daughter is a firecracker.....Today was a great day and I am now able to absorb it a bit better now that we're back in our hotel room and able to relax a bit. Let me start from the beginning.
After having a great nights sleep-actaully we all slept well over 16 hours-we got up, got ready and had a wonderful breakfast. You wouldn't believe the spread they had!! A great way to start the day. We met Pat in the lobby along with Alyssa and Time (great to meet them!) and after going into a conference room she briefed us on the day and told us a bit about what to expect in the coming days. They were nice enough to give us a schedule of our time which was helpful in anticipating our time with Prim.
We watched a short video on Holt Sahathai Foundation and during the last ten minutes or so Prim arrived with two of the social workers. The worst part was that we had to finish watching the video before they brought her in. We coud hear her in the hall way so we made G take a peek and he was jumping up and down he was so excited to see her. It was nice that he was the first in our family to see her. When she came in the door she was apprehensive and I swear she took one look at us and turned around to leave. I could tell that she had been prepared and recognized us because she wanted nothing to do with us. The social workers were just terrific and they sat down with her and tried to get her to come to us. I told Mo that it was ok and we would keep our distance until she could check us out for a while. We just sat down next to her and tried to play and roll a ball for a while. She was very attached to one of the social workers and after an hour, when they handed her to me, Prim screamed her head off. We finally had to leave the room so she would be separate from the worker that she obviously felt so comfortable with. We took a walk around the pool and it felt good to hold her;) Gabriel, meanwhile, was just terrific with her and shared his toys when we finally took her to our room to show her where she woud be sleeping. The social workers were telling her she would be sleeping in the room and we were her family and the whole time she shook her head no (I guess head shaking is a universal language!). We had lunch together and it was obvious that I have another child who could care less about food. Apparently our little one does not eat much and is fed on the go. Hmmm...why does that seem so familiar to me?
Later in the afternoon we took the hour drive to see the Foster Family. I thought that maybe they lived outside of the city but I was wrong. They live right in the city and a home that they share with their extended family. I wasn't aware of this as it was not stated in her home reports. I wish I had known that so I could have brought more gifts but Mo assured me that it was fine. I can't say enough about Prim's foster family. They are extremely warm and gracious. The father especially touched my heart. He was so concerned about her transition with us and told us (through the translator) that he worried that she would cry alot and be sad when she was with us for some time. It was so nice to see the interaction between the family and Prim and I think we got a better sense of her personality while we were there.
Now that I've gone through our day, let me give you some insight to our daughter. When I first saw her I couldn't get over how cute she was. Her face is very expressive and it is clear that she is very bright and attentive. I must say off the bat that she is the most strong willed 19 month old child that I have every come in contact with. She makes it 100% clear about what she wants, when she wants it and does not take "no" for an answer. She says a few words (like "no") and water, cat, up etc... When we visited the foster family they even told us that they do not really tell her no and that she is spoiled rotten b/c she is the youngest. While we were at the house, Prim grabbed a bundled of chopsticks and when G went up to talk to her, she hit him on top of the head so hard that they all broke. She is either freakishly strong or they were thin chopsticks. Amazingly G took it very well and after a brief explanation he seemed to be better. I felt so bad for him.
Hung adores her already and loves how fiesty she is. He thinks it's pretty funny that she is hard headed like her mother. He got her to smile at him today and she kept making a funny face where she would open her mouth as wide as she could and he woud imitate her. It was pretty cute!
There is so much more to write but quite honestly I'm tired. G fell asleep in the van to the hotel and when we woke him and went to dinner he cried until we finally realized he wasn't going to make it through dinner. We left before ordering and went to upstairs to our room. He went right to sleep and we ordered room service.
Tomorrow we have most of the day with Prim and I'm not sure how much the social worker will be with us. I'm looking forward to having her with us alone for a while and if we have some time we may take her to the swimming pool. I'll post tomorrow with more pictures!

Ahhhhh....Thailand

We're here safe and sound and in one piece!! I think we're still a bit in shock that we are actually in Bangkok! All of our flights were great and I highly recommend Singapore Air. Each flight was on time and we cut 1 hour 1/2 total flying time by keeping a great schedule (I'm sure tail winds helped too:). We had a letter waiting for us from Holt with insructions and itinerary. If I wasn't a bit nervous before I am now. We have a really big day tomorrow and will meet Prim at 10:15am here at the hotel. Later in the day we will have our first and only meeting with the foster family. We are just so excited to be here!! I'm going to keep this short for now. We are headed to get money changed, get a SIM chip for our cell phone and go to the market for necessities and munchies.