tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post884350088142210312..comments2023-09-19T06:17:51.699-04:00Comments on Amazing Grace: I Know You Were Adopted But...Part IIAprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07395564165281446365noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-67707874448510641452011-06-09T03:35:45.610-04:002011-06-09T03:35:45.610-04:00Hi April - here from Creme. Powerful post! I don&#...Hi April - here from Creme. Powerful post! I don't know anything about adopting or being adopted. But as a child of abusive biological parents I would have loved to have parents who just loved me like crazy not matter how naive they were. Biological parents also cause children lots of trauma as mine did.<br /><br />Finding love from my friends, husband and his family is the only thing that has healed that trauma. <br /><br />Love is the answer! I am proof positive of that, as I am sure your children will be. <br /><br />Cheers<br />TanyaTanyahttp://www.fertilehealing.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-57999817930047127572010-06-19T22:25:01.713-04:002010-06-19T22:25:01.713-04:00I really, really appreciated your thoughts here. ...I really, really appreciated your thoughts here. I am open to my daughter's trauma and her pain and, I hope, her opinion on adoption. But, I agree with you 100%, people without children are often incredibly harsh about parenting choices. It's easy to parent when you don't have children. I think that is true of adult adoptees in many cases too.anymommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17870033179328734404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-52291213603912577952010-06-14T08:37:13.564-04:002010-06-14T08:37:13.564-04:00So glad TM linked this post.... really, really wel...So glad TM linked this post.... really, really well said!Stefaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15929186829748543826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-67709797968720754272010-06-13T21:58:32.124-04:002010-06-13T21:58:32.124-04:00i really liked this post. Hope is a wonderful thi...i really liked this post. Hope is a wonderful thing, it keeps me moving on when things are tough. I love what you said about God's redemptive love healing the child's heart.<br /><br />What made me laugh: this sentence: "parenting is like swimming in a kiddie pool of pirhannas?"LucisMommahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03619129172904595176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-44689279219224290922010-06-13T16:13:38.647-04:002010-06-13T16:13:38.647-04:00I had not visited your blog before either. I love ...I had not visited your blog before either. I love your post. <br />If I would have know how hard child birth was, I would have not had children...went on to do it twice more. The good outweighed the hard stuff. Same thing with adoption... imperfect parents will never get it right and it is hard to hear us dismissed as "not good enough". With God's grace we just keep trying harder.Chrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16103378389155773502noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-51702047430457937622010-06-13T12:20:50.899-04:002010-06-13T12:20:50.899-04:00I am also under the impression (after talking with...I am also under the impression (after talking with adult adoptees who have birthed their own children AND adopted) that the connection with a biological child compared to an adopted child is different.<br /><br />They say that the love is not different, but the parenting is different. And because the biological child came from the parent's uterus, it's different type of bonding.Mei Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-62237577283885013852010-06-13T12:18:40.361-04:002010-06-13T12:18:40.361-04:00"What is it in you that makes you point a fin..."What is it in you that makes you point a finger and say you're not good enough, you're not well intended enough, your eyes are not opened enough??"<br /><br />Being through the trauma of separated from one's biological parents (Yes, I know many children are abused/neglected by their biological parents - not talking about those cases).<br /><br />I can't tell you how many times my perspective has been dismissed by outsiders - not necessarily adoptive parents IRL - but just outsiders in general.<br /><br />And maybe you're right - maybe Adoptee A won't feel pain and think adoption is the greatest thing since sliced bread.<br /><br />But I'd hate to think that Adoptee A will end up being like me - dismissed, ignored, silenced, and being told his parents had the best of intentions.<br /><br />Actually, that came off wrong. *sighs*<br /><br />What I'm trying to say is that while a parent saying the best of intentions is a truth, it does not erase what happened and it does not erase the adoptee's feelings. The adoptee has the right to feel what they want DESPITE the good intentions. And I think that is where adoptive parents and adult adoptees clash - because as you rightly noted, good intentions is what gets a parent through adoptive parenting. And then to hear adoptees say "Well that is never going to be enough" is like a balloon deflater.<br /><br />So I would say that while saying you have good intentions is your truth and nobody can dismiss that, it also shouldn't be used to attempt to "brush away" the pain associated with adoption or the adoptee's feelings.<br /><br />It's not that I personally don't think love isn't enough. It's that it implies love from the adoptive parents is enough, but any [fulfilling] love from the biological parents was never going to be good enough either.<br /><br />There was a quote that someone once wrote out in the blogosphere a while back, maybe it was from Betty Jean Lifton's book about adoption journeys? I can't remember, but it said something like:<br /><br />"If good intentions were enough, we'd never have to try harder."Mei Linghttp://sisterheping.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-59860387465528952132010-06-13T06:31:50.926-04:002010-06-13T06:31:50.926-04:00This is my first time visiting your blog, and I re...This is my first time visiting your blog, and I really enjoyed this. It reminds me of the book in our current study - Parenting is Your Highest Calling ...and Eight Other Myths that Trap Us in Worry and Guilt. Which talks about parenting and all the challenges.<br /><br />None of us know what we are getting into. On our hardest days, I remind myself, I would never trade our adoption related trauma for many of the birth related issues that could have just as easily happened. We are so incredibly blessed with 2 healthy and perfectly imperfect children.KOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12721155067758257586noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-86333117583229115312010-06-11T02:04:25.765-04:002010-06-11T02:04:25.765-04:00April: You are brilliant! Your family is just pl...April: You are brilliant! Your family is just plain gorgeous. (And, when I read your post about feeling inferior for not having a college degree, I was thinking that I know plenty of people with masters degrees who write nowhere near as eloquently or intelligently as you do... Um, like me, the queen of typos and spelling errors. By-the-way, don't mind any spelling errors, that I didn't even notice, in your above comment.)<br /><br />Thank you for posting on this topic. It has been one that I have been dealing with lately. I hope you will possibly write more. I have been wanting to adopt from Thailand for as far back as I can remember and began researching the process since before I was even married. Now as the time gets closer to start the journey of becoming a parent, I find myself more confused than ever before. My heart desperately yearns to bring home a son from Thailand, much more than I have ever yearned to give birth to a baby, and yet, I find myself questioning if it's the right thing.<br /><br />I read about anti-adoption and have no choice but to consider the arguments, to ponder other options. I have tried to ask other adoptive families in person, on blogs, on forums and most have been offended or defensive. They acknowledge the gigantic loss that their children have endured and have to endure every day, but rarely do they ever admit that they sometimes fail as parents or that they are not equipped to deal with everything that their children will have to deal with. Your post here was a different response and it gave me hope.<br /><br />I know that I am prepared to give 110% percent to my child and I also know that that will never, ever, ever be enough. How can I sleep at night knowing that nothing that I say or do will ever be enough, knowing that he deserved so much more than me as his mother and that he is only mine because he had to endure such a profound loss. Then I think that there is no way I am qualified. Can I really do this?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-44335666705572549262010-06-10T16:41:42.305-04:002010-06-10T16:41:42.305-04:00oh my gosh sorry for the word typos and errors in ...oh my gosh sorry for the word typos and errors in my comment-i was typing so fast and didn't reread what I wrote!Aprilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07395564165281446365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-45064509404309629702010-06-10T16:39:42.428-04:002010-06-10T16:39:42.428-04:00Wendy,
I think this is the pitfall that many of us...Wendy,<br />I think this is the pitfall that many of us can fall into whether it's adoption related or not. We make A TON of assumptions based on our own personal life experiences. I think to a point it's normal but you can't generalize and stereotype each and every situation. There is this woman that constantly makes snide and rude remarks on Grown in My Heart after many blog posts. It drives me crazy because she has taken her (awful) adoption experience and projected it onto each and every individual that becomes an adoptive parent. It's ridiculous and insulting. Not only does she stereotype all adoptive parents but she does it in such a way where you can get past her rudeness to understand where she's coming from. I read a lot of that. I'm not implying that Christina feels this way, I just think that, like you said, you can take each adoptee and assume they will feel this way or that and you especially can not assume that adoptive parents are going to ignore the trauma they have suffered. <br />I have cried more tears than I care to share over the hurt that my daughter has and will continue to experience. It hurts my heart because I love her so deeply but I understand that she has to go through it, she has to be allowed to live it and I think I've shared that plenty here.<br />Thanks for the comments and keep them coming. I love hearing everyone's point of you and invite the sharing regardless if I agree with it or not.<br />AprilAprilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07395564165281446365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-18319765289400384502010-06-09T17:22:35.293-04:002010-06-09T17:22:35.293-04:00April,
Loved this. I'm confused about Christi...April,<br />Loved this. I'm confused about Christina's comment, though. Nowhere in your post do you say that you fail to understand that your daughter has experienced trauma. To the contrary, you have honestly shared in this and other posts that she has and that you have taken every conceivable measure to meet her needs head on. I'm troubled by the generalization that "adoptive parents" feel or act one way or another. As if we're all in the same boat raising the same kids the same way. Just as adoptees are unique individuals with their own stories, so are adoptive families. Where does anyone get the idea that we all "easily sweep (our children's" trauma under the rug?" To suggest, as Christina seems to, that all adoptive parents behave one way and all adopted children feel and/or act a certain way, is rather short-sighted.<br /><br />I've been doing this parenting thing a long time. Each day brings its challenges and its rewards. You only really find that out by actually being a parent, though.<br /><br />Kudos to you for, once again, being so honest in your feelings!Wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01976421664487561840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-77443004881292797022010-06-09T08:32:21.770-04:002010-06-09T08:32:21.770-04:00Christina,
Thank you so much for your comment! I a...Christina,<br />Thank you so much for your comment! I appreciate your perspective and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts here.<br />I think what I have a hard time with is constantly hearing that in general adoptive parents pretend away our child's trauma. <br />The point I was trying to make is that you can only prepare yourself for another person's trauma so much ahead of time. So what is perceived as 'pretending our kids will come to us as that one in a million not affected by adoption trauma' is REALLY hope. Hope that God will prepare you both for the journey ahead. Hope that loving as Christ did will help heal a broken and abandoned heart.<br />We confront our daughter's adoption trauma head on. Is it done perfectly? No. There have been moments (as you can read here) when I have thought "what is going on here?" only to realize later on-and with the help of a trained professional-that I was looking at the face of trauma. I kick myself because as a mother I should have known that screaming for another glass of milk at dinner was adoption related, not four year old drama. But I'm learning too. I have learned to love in a way that I didn't think I was capable of. I will say this a million times- my daughter has changed my life. It wasn't her job to do so, just an amazing bonus of being her mom. Learning how to parent her and earning her love in spite of my mistakes is a gift I could not have anticipated. <br />The adoptive parents I know don't try and sweep our children's trauma under the rug. Does it happen with some. Sure. But to generalize is really to demean parents who feel called to adopt.Aprilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07395564165281446365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-54944166773883838402010-06-09T07:24:41.874-04:002010-06-09T07:24:41.874-04:00I don't think that it's a matter of whethe...I don't think that it's a matter of whether an adoptive parent is naive or not. <br /><br />I think it's a matter of the adoptive parents understanding that regardless of how much love there is in an adoptive family..perfect or not..that child has endured a trauma, and it's not something that can be easily swept under the rug. <br /><br />I was great at pretending that I was okay as a child..and that being adopted didn't affect me. But the truth is, it did. As an adult adoptee in reunion, I can honestly say that it affects me more today than I allowed it to as a child.<br /><br />And for the above commenter, I hope that you can recognize that your daughter may someday feel that she needs to deal with the trauma too.Crickethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16968579258082745674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7271751507385672116.post-59701072480452433042010-06-08T21:36:00.995-04:002010-06-08T21:36:00.995-04:00I totally understand where you're coming from....I totally understand where you're coming from. Thankfully, our adopted daughter doesn't complain about naive adoptive parents. In fact, she says she wants to adopt, too, someday. So, I guess that tells me that she sees the value in adopting children and is not stuck in her trauma about being an adoptee.chaniemomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17070645945655465424noreply@blogger.com