Thursday, June 03, 2010

Perspective is Like a Kick in The Jimmy

Picture a beautiful day.  Kids running around.  Music playing softly in the background.  Your favorite song always puts you in a great mood and while you're walking down the stairs to answer the knock at the door you hear the laughter of little voices and smile.  It's going to be a great day.

When you open the front door there are two men standing side by side.  In uniform.  You turn back to see if the kids have followed you to the door.  The tears slowly slip down your cheeks and although you see their lips moving, you can not hear their words over the pounding of your heart. 

He is gone. 

He's never coming home.

This past weekend the 1000th soldier was killed in Afghanistan.  On the day that I realized that we had not conceived I thought of this family.  Their no was so much bigger than mine. 

For us it's not a no but a not right now.

But for this family, and like so many before them, it is the most painful kind of no.  It is final.  

No, you will never hold him again.

No, he will not be there for another Christmas or birthday.

No, your children will not understand why Daddy is not coming home.




I was so sad, so disappointed when our treatments failed this month because it means waiting until the end of the year to resume.  I looked at G long and hard this weekend and had such vivid images of him as a new baby in my arms, vulnerable and mine.  All mine forever.  And I cried because I wonder if I will ever feel that again.

And then I thought of this family.  And I think of my husband so far away in Iraq and how we all, even if just once, have imagined the dread of seeing men in uniform standing at our front door.  It is almost unthinkable.

So for now, I say thank you to all who prayed for our success.  Your prayers did not go unanswered or unheard.  I believe God in His wisdom has something even better in store for us so we will put patience into practice.  I am thankful that for now it is wait.

Because I understand how quickly things can change and how definite the no's can be.


Open Air said...

This is so true. Life can change in an instant, and there are no guarantees. I am so sorry you didn't conceive this month. I know how hard it is to have to put your dreams on hold. It hurts.
But right now my heart is still pounding and I am just catching my breath because when I first started to read your post, I thought you were talking about your husband. I'm relieved this was not your day, but I hurt for the people who are experiencing it.
Yes, perspective. It's all in the perspective.

Anonymous said...

Perspective is some powerful stuff at times isn't it. You are a great writer April, and I enjoy your blog posts so much. I too am sorry to hear that you didn't conceive, but the prayers will continue, and your faith and beliefs will bring about a realization greater than you could ever imagine one of these days. Thank you for reminding us of the sacrifices families like yours make every day, it certainly put my not-so-good week into perspective, and I needed that. (((hugs))).
Sharon (Ex and Wee's Mama).

Brazenlilly said...

Ugh. Wow, I'm so disappointed for you. Praying you will continue to find hope and comfort in perspective and any other little tools He chooses to use. You are thoughtful of others even in your own sorrow, and that is truly amazing. Hope your "jimmy" is feeling better tomorrow. ;)

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