Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What I Don't Hear: Part 1

For all of the adoption haters, (and yes I have read the word "hate" in many, many blogs) I hear a whole lot of anger but what I don't hear are solutions to this "baby buying business that causes irreparable damage".

I ask this with sincerity, but what do you propose be done with the world's approximately 130 million orphans?  Should they stay in over crowded, underfunded group homes or state run facilities until they become of age?  Should children stay in foster care indefinitely?  And what about the thousands of children in India, Eastern Europe and Africa that overwhelm the streets. Would it be better for each and every person in the process of adoption to withdraw their applications and hope that the collective world gets the picture?  That according to you adoption hurts.  That it destroys lives. 

You see, I really think that the argument is a fine, thread thin line between abandonment and adoption. Because, unfortunately, there is no adoption without abandonment. And how do you change abandonment?  How do you stop mothers from abandoning their children? Because once they have abandoned their child, for whatever reason, there is a responsibility to find families for these children.


Wendy said...

Oh, April...I always like when there's a part one and a part two to your posts. Can't wait to see what you have to say tomorrow.

As for atrocities done to children and the future of some young orphans left to fend for themselves, you might want to include the hideous sex trafficking of 8 year olds that occurs in so many countries--including, sadly, our daughters' homeland.

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately I think some people buy into the idea that it's actually adoption that fuels abandonment - as if the adoption industry is to blame for the millions of orphaned or relinquished children. While I know there is corruption in the adoption business, I think there are a myriad of reasons that children live without families. To me, in most cases, adoption is a solution for those kids, and not the cause of the abandonment.

I am constantly stunned by the people who want to shut down adoption, and then dance around the reality of orphans, as if it's some made-up story. To me it shows a lack of empathy to these children, to ignore their very real developmental needs in some effort to push an anti-adoption agenda.

April said...

Thanks so much for your comments! Welcome, Kristen and thanks for stopping by! Love your blog as well.

Samantha said...

Hey April, it's Sam (Kirk's wife) I've been reading your blog for awhile but usually I don't have time to comment or I'm afraid to say anything but this post spoke ti me. I find it hard to believe that people would state that adoption causes irreparable damage. I am sure there are many examples of adoption gone bad but that is the case (unfortunately) with any situation where children are involved whether they are with their birth parents, grandparents, foster parents or adoptive parents. Two of the most fabulous people I know were adopted, and let me tell you, they are much better people than I am and I was raised in a great home with my birth parents. My mother's birth mom was 16 when she had her and already had a 3 year old son. My mom's adopted mom had gone through about 5 miscarriages and 7 still borns. She knew the birth mom through her mother and was lucky enough to adopt my mom and another baby (my aunt) at the same time when they were about 6 weeks old. Now my aunt did NOT adjust well to adoption so I have definitely seen that side of it too. However, I truly think it was because she let herself be consumed with being adopted. Instead of looking at it as being chosen by a loving family who's only wish was to be a mommy and daddy, she only wanted to be with her "real" family. Just the fact that she uses the word "real" when describing her birth family makes me cringe. A "real" mom and dad has nothing to do with whether or not you gave birth (but that is another rant for another day) The second person I know that was adopted is my best friend. She and her 3 brothers and younger sister found themselves in a Colombian orphanage after their father had died and their mother could no longer take care of them. Their adoptive mom came and got them all, except for 1 brother, whom I believe was relocated to another orphanage. She also adopted another boy from the same orphanage on that trip. She also went back months later and brought back 4 more orphans from that orphanage. So instead of growing up in an orphanage, they were able to grow up in a little town in Minnesota, raised by good Catholic/Christians who taught them how to love unconditionally and treat all people with respect. She is without a doubt the most selfless person I have ever met! I know I am rambling but this is a subject I feel strongly about. Adoption is a tough enough process (emotionally, financially, etc) without haters telling you that you are "damaging" this child that you have chosen. I am sure during the process people go through every emotion in the book (and some not yet defined), including doubt but that is their cross to bear and not up for other people's judgment! It makes me so mad that people choose to turn such a wonderful act into something bad.

Anonymous said...

April, seriously I love your written honesty, I don't comment much either mostly beacuse what I have to say would take weeks to write and also I am simply not good with words like you are (I hope you understand what I am trying to say by the end of this post, lol!), but I think what you wrote hit the nail on the head.
I have come across negative responses to our Adoption mostly indicated as negative by the 'type' of question and 'verbage' of questions people ask us. Also, I cringe at some of the responses (although quite rare) of adoptees towards AP's and pray that my children NEVER feel this way. I agree with Samantha's words 'I truly think it was because she let herself be consumed with being adopted. Instead of looking at it as being chosen by a loving family', and think this has a huge role in how adoptees may view themselves and their Adoptive Family.
At the end of the day, Adoption may not be the perfect solution, but it's is not a perfect world either and in a perfect situation/perfect world my children would never have been in such a situation to start with. I am just grateful beyond words and thank God everyday that he placed these children in my life, my heart, and my world. I recognize that I am the most blessed person in this un-perfect situation, and would do anything if the 'most blessed person' could be my kids...again, it's not a perfect world.

- Sharon

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