Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Though Doth Not Mope

So I realize that yesterdays post may have seemed a bit....somber.  My bad.  That really was not my intention, but intentions be darned and maybe I was a bit mopier than I realized.

I think the thing about military life is that sometimes (i.e. always) it can leave you feeling a bit vulnerable.  I equate being a military spouse to living in the wild, wild west.

Without the corset dresses and lawlessness mind you.

Often the road ahead seems like uncharted territory.  A new duty station, a new city, can often seem just as desolate as a ghost town, blowing tumbleweeds and all.  It takes a strong constitution to unpack your new home in two days in order to host your first social gathering of strangers or walk into your eighth new church in eleven years.  I've done it and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.

You know you are a military spouse when you plan babies around deployment schedules and duty stations.

You know you are used to military life when said military interrupts your careful (and strategic) planning and you have your baby without darling husband by your side.  Oh.  And that rockin' duty station that will give you two years of marital togetherness? Got changed. A week before you are supposed to move.

The thing is, is that military life has been my spiritual saving grace.  I have been forced-out of a sheer desire to stay sane-to give God control of these life experiences that oftentimes leave me breathless.  I can honestly say, that after eleven years I am a walking, living example of Philippians 4:6-7 when it comes to my husbands deployments.  He is on the ground in Iraq and I do not have fear or anxiety.

It doesn't keep me up at night.  I don't get anxious when I hear the news about a roadside bomb.  I don't say to myself what if.  I have peace that can only be described as supernatural. 

God has seen fit to use our military life as a parallel to our journey with infertility.  I get it.  I am not in control.  I do not know the future and I have to find joy in my self imposed suffering.  I could almost laugh about it if I weren't so busy crossing my arms and frowning.  Like a four year old.  Throwing a temper tantrum.

I am blessed.  Even when my ovaries are working against me.  Even when the military makes a mockery of my careful and very reasonable plans.  I can find peace in the God who is Love.  There is joy in the waiting because God is in every twist and turn.  If I didn't have faith I think I would melt.

In a big teary puddle.  And I don't wear waterproof mascara.


Anonymous said...

Ya know April, I just love your pen-to paper (actually, fingers-to-keyboard) attitude!
I feel like I can actually hear you talking in your writing, non-chalantly just throwing it out there as you see it, and wrapping it all up at the end so full of wit and grace. Does this even make sense?!
Thanks for sharing your heart, your faith and for putting my life in perspective, you make me smile.
You are in my prayers also, every night without fail, that we will hear of some pregnancy news from you soon.
Love, Sharon. (Ex and Wee's Mom)

April said...

Oh Sharon you make me cry happy tears. Thank you friend, from the bottom of my heart.

Mireille said...

You are a brave and strong woman April! And I admire your strength... it is not an easy life as an military woman especially in these circumstances. Where you are not on your schedule but the militaries schedule.
But I have faith that one day your dream will come true!

Kristin said...

Well said, April! And an encouragement to this 'ole salty Navy wife' of 28+ years who's youngest is in USN flight school in FL. It does take a special gal in this generation to stand by her military man.....and you, my dear, are successfully doing it "with God's help!" Love DOES never fail!! :-)
I never would have made it through Desert Storm as CO's wife without Jesus by my side and His wisdom being dispersed through the HS moment by needed moment. Psalm 91 was a daily prayer over my man and the men he led.
Thank you for your candor and authentic comments. I 'get it'..."been there, done that" and have multiple squadron T-shirts to prove it....but I can still LOL and love unconditionally, and...given the choice would likely do it all again. Navy friendships are life long and many will follow me into eternity.

Bless you and your precious family, sweet gal.....You, my dear, are doing a stellar job with it all! Warmly, Kristin Webb

April said...

You made my day!! What kind words and I am so thankful you took the time to post on my blog. The encouragement is greatly welcomed!
I would say I don't know how you do it, 28 years!! but then I think of our 12 (his 15) years and know that it's one foot in front of the other, looking up the entire way.
So good to have you here. I hope to hear from you often!
If you have a blog of your own I'd love to know the site!

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