'Sketchy' Is Not Synonymous for 'Acceptable'

Last weekend, in anticipation of our trip to DC, we headed to our local mall for summer clothes for the kiddos.  We ended up at Gymboree in hopes of finding a bargain -I can't buy anything there at retail price.  While in the store I ran into an older gentlemen who was carrying a beautiful dark skinned baby girl (I have adoption radar). Eventually the Daddy came over and took her from Grandpa and we struck up a conversation. I asked him where his daughter was from and he graciously replied that she was from the Congo.  She had been home two and a half months and was now six months old.  She was absolutely precious!

I expressed my surprise that adoption was allowed in the DRC.  I knew of only a few countries in Africa that allowed adoption and was happy to learn of another that was opening it's doors to the international community.  He was very open about their experience and went on to say that they chose the Congo because other countries they looked into did not allow adoptive parents to be on anti depressants. 

When I asked what agency they used, he emphatically refused to endorse them and although he didn't elaborate, he said that he wouldn't use this particular agency again because they were "sketchy".  He was quick to point out that his wife did all of the research and let the sentence die with the implication that he had nothing to do with that part of the process. This is where I am thankful for the openness of adoptive parents but instinctively uncomfortable in the turn the conversation has taken.  This isn't the first time I have talked with adoptive parents who have questioned the reputation of their adoption agency. That coupled with the fact that he threw his wife under the bus left me saying a quick good luck and goodbye.

In Monterey there was a family from our church who traveled to adopt their two children from Vietnam and sadly only came home with one child. The other baby's relinquishment was in question by the US government and they would not release a Visa until further investigation.  I had one conversation with the father as they waited for their daughter to be released and learned that they were allowed to adopt four month old babies biologically unrelated at the same time. He, too, was shaken to the core from the experience with their adoption agency. He would not endorse them and even considered legal action but at that time would not rock the boat until after their baby was finally allowed to come home.  He also told me that through the same agency this exact same scenario was playing out with a family living in a different state and the outcome for the second child did not look promising.  I learned that eventually the US released their daughter and she was able to come home but it still left me shaking my head.

The process of adoption can be precarious because of changing requirements,  extended wait times and unforeseeable paperwork snafuus. It's not a place for slippery slopes and questionable ethics.  For me, in adoption, the ends do not justify the means.  I wonder at what point during the process that little voice, that feeling in the pit of their stomach told these parents that something was off.  Do we begin to justify the circumstances to suite our needs? Do adoptive parents in questionable circumstances begin to ask questions like, when you consider the fact that these children are now in 'the system', does it matter how they got there to begin with? Don't they need a home regardless of the circumstances surrounding their relinquishment? Aren't we saving a child who needs a home?

I don't want to be judgmental. I don't want to imply these families did something wrong because I only know bits and pieces of their story. But in the wake of the Torry Hansen fiasco, when international adoption is front and center, I can't help but feel disbelief at the willingness of families who put time lines ahead of the well being of their future children.

To me it speaks to the now! now! now! society we have become.  I mean, who hasn't gotten frustrated waiting for the microwave to count down backwards from one minute? And don't even get me started about how long it takes to fast forward through a commercial on my DVR'd tv shows...

We are driven by instant gratification. Are you kidding me? Wait three years for an adoption to be finalized? can be a common attitude for the faint of heart.  It may suck three ways to Sunday but the process of adoption is a marathon not a sprint and cutting corners to satisfy personal desire should not be acceptable.

There is this pervasive attitude that we deserve what we want, when we want it. It overlaps and spills into our work lives, our homes lives. With the amazing advancement in technology and the rate at which information is exchanged it's unthinkable to wait more than a keystroke to find what we're looking or acquire goods and services.

I remember during the paperwork process H and I grumbling about the fact that we had to wait for forms through the mail. Have they lost their minds?  In this day and age we should have been able to send our dossier online! It was agonizing at times to WAIT for the process to move itself forward with nothing for us to do but be patient. And wait. And wait some more. If I had a dollar for the time we spent waiting for this paper to arrive and that form to be approved I would be one rich momma.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The ends do not justify the means in adoption because ultimately we are responsible for bringing a child into our family. If we don't stand up for ethical adoptions and walk away from "sketchy" agencies, than we have allowed the proliferation of baby buying and coerced relinquishments.

Have a great weekend everyone!