Sweet Talking My Ovaries

On the way to see Dr. Robin today I decided to give the girls a bit of a pep talk.  I considered that maybe they're shy. Or maybe they're late bloomers. MAYBE the constant sight of that probe coming at them has scared them silly.  Who wouldn't want some words of encouragement?

I tried to explain the importance of this appointment, taking care to be understanding without sounding judgmental. Of course I understand that it's not your fault you're not growing fast enough (or at all really).  Yes, I can see how it must be frustrating for you, I mean, a baby is like an Academy Award where you come from.....

You do remember that H is leaving for deployment in three weeks right? I know, I know I don't have to rub it in-just wanted to make sure we're on the same time table.

I arrived at my appointment cautiously optimistic.  The pep talk went well, my prayers were said and there was nothing left to do but lie down and...well...you get the picture...  The results weren't good.  Even with two days of stimulating injections there has been no follicle growth. But my ovaries feel huge I tell her. Maybe the measurements are off? (the ultrasound tech did seem a bit distracted today). Unfortunately not she said.

So, we either wait for the next cycle or do two more days of double dosed injections plus one more for good measure.  Then we recheck on Monday to see if we need to wait.  I didn't know what to say at first. My first thought was our planned trip for next week to DC. It's spring break for the kiddos and I don't want to ruin our plans. On the other hand, I have been through the ringer physically and it would be a waste not to give it the old college try.

I ask her if this is normal or am I a freak of nature. She laughed and said no, this isn't normal but it is typical for PCOS patients and although I haven't been officially diagnosed, it seems to be heading in that direction. 

I sighed, decided to try the higher dose of injectables and come back Monday morning for another scan.  If this doesn't do the trick I will begin medication to treat PCOS while doing a full cycle of injections instead of Clomid.

I had no idea it was going to be this hard. Even with eleven years of infertility I still find every new twist in our journey difficult. It makes it hard to catch my breath sometimes, like every step forward is measured in either failure or success with no gray area. 

On this Good Friday I reminded myself that even though there has been disappointment, there has also been-more importantly-victory.  I am reminded that all is not what it appears to be. God's view of this life and our circumstances are incredibly different than my narrow and human perspective.  I may find grief in this moment but I remain faithful that God will uses this for His glory, for His ultimate good purposes.