Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Round and Round We Go

Today was my fourth ultrasound this cycle and the news was disappointing. After five days of Clomid and four on Estrogen my follicles still have not matured to where they should be. They are stuck around 10 and 11.5 and have done little in the way of growth since last Saturday. 

I have to be honest, my heart was incredibly heavy to hear that we may have to skip this month's IUI. The doctor and I talked extensively about this and she was wonderful in answering all of my questions about why this is happening and what can be done going forward.

I told her that I just don't understand. With G we were pregnant after one cycle of treatment and needed no medication. None. I know I'm older but still feel like I have two good years before I should be worried about egg quality. We went back and forth about the underlying cause of follicle/egg immaturity and found our way back to PCOS.

My ovaries are considered Polycystic but my blood work is not necessarily indicative of the "syndrome".  I find it frustrating as I have every symptom (including the infertility) and with todays results I see it as one more check in the box for PCOS.  I am relieved that my doctor is open minded. She said that over the years the difficult aspect of diagnosing PCOS is that the standards for testing are always changing.  As a reproductive endocrinologist of many years she has seen the line in the sand smoothed over and redrawn only to leave some patients outside of the new 'criteria' without the opportunity for treatment.  If this month is unsuccessful she is wiling to begin treatment for PCOS along with other fertility drugs to induce better stimulation.

We left the appointment in agreement that  I would do two shots of injectible hormones in a last ditch attempt to mature the largest follicles. If that is successful we will proceed with IUI, if not than her opinion is to begin the PCOS medication along with injectable hormones to see if those give us better results.

 These decisions are not without difficulty for me. There is risk associated with all of this and I have to consider the two children I already have. I think about the money that we are going to pour into this effort all for the sake of having another biological child and feel a sense of guilt.  This is money and time and effort that could be going towards an adoption.


Something inside of me yearns for the feel of those small kicks and hiccups.  I keep asking God to clear a way. Make the path to growing our family straight as an arrow. Help me to be strong yet bend to Your will, oh Lord.  Consider my heart yet keep me from being a victim of my own fleshly desires.  God fill this space with Your Spirit so that there is no room for doubt or uncertainty. 


Lynn said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I will pray for you! I'm there an appeal for you in waiting until Hung gets back from Iraq? Then he'll be able to stay awhile, right? If that was the case, you'd have his help during your pregnancy, which might be really nice....and probably for the baby's first year at least, right? Could God be interfering here to create the best situation for you? Just a thought. I'm sure you have great reasons for wanting to do it now. I hope it works out and I will pray!


April said...

Thanks so much for your prayers:)
The plan is to keep trying even with Hung gone-freezing is a miracle process these days!! ;o Otherwise we'd miss out on 7 months at least and we're not getting any younger.
I have no idea what God has planned for us but I'm praying I can be patient.
Love, April

Mireille said...

Oh April, I am so sorry about this disappointment you are feeling. These times are so hard to go through, I know.... I've been into this boat as well and you ask yourself Why Me? But I also believe that God will only give you what you can handle and you will come through stronger! Keep up the faith!

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