Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Adoption on My Mind....

So this month was the first month we could start the process of getting pregnant. After the HSG we had to decide if we were going to try this month naturally (i.e. IUI but no drugs) or wait until next month when I could begin the cycle with Clomid. H and I talked about it at nauseum, him being of the opinion that we try right away while I touted the "what-if's" until he began banging his head against the proverbial wall.

My argument lay with the fact that H is deploying but we're not sure when. It's either next month or in June. Either to Iraq or the Philippines. Six months or seven. I mean-could life be any more up in the air right now? I AM NOT HAVING A BABY AGAIN BY MYSELF I tell him.

Then of course H starts going on and on about having faith blah, blah, blah. Literally-that's what I said to his side of the argument. Blah, blah, blah. (secretly, it's in these moments when I wish I were two so I could cover my ears, stomp my feet and squish my eyes real tight). Can't a girl just worry, fret and 'what-if' for a good ten minutes before hubby throws the faith card? I say this with complete levity because I already know what God has put on our heart. It's my thinking, my second guessing that gets in the way. God's timing is perfect and we will have another baby if and when He sees fit.

I was off to the RE again today for an ultrasound to try and predict ovulation. Much to my surprise the doctor thinks I ovulated within the past few days. What!? He still has to confirm with a blood test but all signs point to this month being a wash. I'm pretty surprised and just a little disappointed.

Why just a little? (thanks for asking!). Because I think of babies in far away lands. Sweet faces with no families. The quick pull at my heart when I think of doing it all over again. God whispering James 1:27 and Isaiah 1:17 in my ear.


Wendy said...

Hmmmm...your husband may be deployed to the Philippines? He might just go there and fall in love with the people (we did) and you may end up with a Filipino baby! We sure do love ours even if she isnt' really isn't a baby anymore!

Mireille said...

A difficult time those limbo moments! I hope you will get a sign and know what to do! I went through these moments as well, but at a certain point it was over for me and now I know that we are done, our family is complete.

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