What Gets Me

Death is a hard subject for me. It always has been and I have a sneaking suspicion it always will be. I tend to hold onto this world a bit too firmly, have myself a little too rooted in my earthly home. While in the past few years I have begun to long for the peace of Heaven, (I will write about this another time) the kisses and hugs of my children and our family's future together are more real to me. God has asked me to face this discomfort by blessing me with children who speak their minds about everything-including death and dying.

G said to me recently, "Mommy, I want to be famous". Famous, huh? I replied. My first thought? Sweet. Retirement-taken care of! Oh! and I'll definitely show those stage moms a thing or two..... Then I pictured a sullen, scrawny, cigarette toting Lindsay Lohan and one of her bohemian looking boyfriends/girlfriends and thought I'd better reengage in this conversation so I can stop this before it starts.

Honey, why do you want to be famous? I ask. So far G has his career choices very carefully narrowed down to police officer and/or scientist. I see my parenting flash before my eyes in anticipation of his answer and hope he doesn't say something shallow like 'for the money'. Of course that was MY first thought but that's neither here nor there (do you buy that?).

Well, I should have known. I should have predicted that MY son would have a reason beyond the wisdom of his seven years at the ready. His answer was, I want everyone to remember me. Remember you how? I asked. When I pass away, he continued, I want people to remember me forever. Just like people remember Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. I don't want anyone to forget me.

As a mom who teaches my children that our earthly home is temporary, I shouldn't have felt jarred but I was. Just hearing my son mention himself 'passing away' left my throat feeling tight and my eyes moist with tears. I gave myself five seconds to silently say to him what I felt but knew was not the truth; you will never pass away! You will be here long after I am gone. You will watch your grandchildren grow up and die at the tender age of 99 asleep in your bed next to the woman you loved your entire life!

I must admit that when I finally opened my mouth I tripped on my words a bit and quickly turned this conversation over to God. I closed my eyes, quickly prayed for guidance and continued with the Holy Spirit firmly in the driver's seat. I told him that no matter what, his family would always, always remember him. That one day his children's children will remember the amazing man he will become and that they are going to remember him for the love he had for God. And most importantly, I said, while we are here on this earth, God will never forget us or forsake us. We are precious in His sight and loved by Him each and every day and He will never forget what we have done in His service. I told him that he does not have to be famous to be worthy of remembering, especially in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Thankfully G let me know he was satisfied with this answer with a kiss goodnight and he's not brought it up again.

I get all choked up because I can not bear to think of my children not within arms reach of me. This conversation was a gentle reminder that my children are not my own. They are the Lord's for His keeping and I must learn to eventually let go. My prayer is that H and I will be there to greet our children at the gates of Heaven, not the other way around.

In Steven Curtis Chapman's new song he sings:

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

........it gets me every time.