THE Question

Everyone keeps asking me "Are you excited!?" These days I actually find myself pausing, trying desperately to put so many emotions into words. Most of the time I just answer a simple yes, but my hesitation is noticed. It is apparent that I stumble in my attempt to clarify my hesitation, but I don't feel like I come out of the conversation unscathed.
For me, at this moment in time, I can compare my feelings to how I felt before giving birth to G. Was I excited to have my little boy? Of course. But at the same time I was keenely aware of a chapter in my life that would soon end, allowing the new to blossom and take over like weeds in a garden. Now, I'm not comparing this wonderful experience and change to weeds, but this change is so drastic, so sudden that it seemed a fare comparison to make.
I remember those days before giving birth, feeling the weight of my stomach with every movement. The slow, deliberate pushes and kicks of my son filled me with wonder that I knew would only last for a short time more. I remember feeling sadness. I had held him so close to me and with him inside of me I never felt alone.
Now, as I picture meeting my little girl for the first time I feel so many things that do include excitement. But I also know that with that moment comes a chapter that will close behind us so that another, an even better one, can open.
Right now I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my son being an only child. Goodbye to being a mother of one. Goodbye to quiet. Goodbye to the image that I have of Grace in my mind. The one where she is perfect and loving and attached to me because I am her mother.
When we land in Bangkok I will be ready to say hello. Hello to my daughter who is perfect because of who she is, not because of what I have envisioned her to be. Hello to our life as a family of four. I will say thank you for the blessing of this little girl, for my son, for my husband who listened to God while I had my hands firmly over my ears.