Saturday, July 14, 2007

THE Question

Everyone keeps asking me "Are you excited!?" These days I actually find myself pausing, trying desperately to put so many emotions into words. Most of the time I just answer a simple yes, but my hesitation is noticed. It is apparent that I stumble in my attempt to clarify my hesitation, but I don't feel like I come out of the conversation unscathed.
For me, at this moment in time, I can compare my feelings to how I felt before giving birth to G. Was I excited to have my little boy? Of course. But at the same time I was keenely aware of a chapter in my life that would soon end, allowing the new to blossom and take over like weeds in a garden. Now, I'm not comparing this wonderful experience and change to weeds, but this change is so drastic, so sudden that it seemed a fare comparison to make.
I remember those days before giving birth, feeling the weight of my stomach with every movement. The slow, deliberate pushes and kicks of my son filled me with wonder that I knew would only last for a short time more. I remember feeling sadness. I had held him so close to me and with him inside of me I never felt alone.
Now, as I picture meeting my little girl for the first time I feel so many things that do include excitement. But I also know that with that moment comes a chapter that will close behind us so that another, an even better one, can open.
Right now I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my son being an only child. Goodbye to being a mother of one. Goodbye to quiet. Goodbye to the image that I have of Grace in my mind. The one where she is perfect and loving and attached to me because I am her mother.
When we land in Bangkok I will be ready to say hello. Hello to my daughter who is perfect because of who she is, not because of what I have envisioned her to be. Hello to our life as a family of four. I will say thank you for the blessing of this little girl, for my son, for my husband who listened to God while I had my hands firmly over my ears.


Anonymous said...

God bless, guys... what an emotional blender. No doubt, "excited" cannot even begin to capture the complexity. Have a safe trip, and our prayers go with you, Prim, and her foster parents.

Sean & Jill

Anonymous said...


I can completely relate!
The closing of one chapter, the opening of a new one, leaves me with butterflies just thinking about it. You wrote a beautiful segment about how you feel right now, and I know how truly meaningful and genuine you words were. Your Children are very blessed to have a Mother who puts so much thought into every aspect of their lives, and you are all about to embark on the most amazing journey together. I will be thinking of you, keeping you in our prayers for a safe, and memorable journey to little Prim. Looking forward to hearing all about it and especially seeing photo's of you all as a family.

God Speed...


maxhelcal said...

OMG! You must have already left for Thailand! Congratulations and goodluck to you guys! Don't you even get all emotional now. You will be fine and before you know won't be able to remember or imagine life without her!

I am so happy for you and can't wait to hear how's she's doing and of course see pics!


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