Friday, August 06, 2010

Far Away From Here

Do you ever get a deep yearning to just be... away?  For quite some time I have settled into the same daydream.  A little house, lots of open space and the sound of the kids laughing.  In my daydream my belly is swollen with pregnancy and H is beside me on a creaking porch swing.  It is quiet in all of the right ways.  Nature makes it's noises and we spend our evenings quietly enjoying what God has made.

I think I may be entering a new season in my life.  I crave simple.  I long for quiet.  I think much of it has to do with H being gone.  I am starting to realize that I have spent too much of my marriage apart from my husband.  I want to know what it is to be with him, not without.  The kids are growing so fast-I can't seem to remember little things about them when they were babies.  The other day I wrangled with the cloudy memory of when G took his first steps and I hated that I couldn't remember clearly that precious moment. 

Prim came home at twenty one months and just recently I realized how small she was.  I feel like I missed so much of her toddler time because it was so deeply emotional and exhausting for us all.  I wish for her that I had been able to carry her as an infant.  As an adoptive mom I feel like I missed so much-that I should have had the joy of her first tooth and her first steps. 

Maybe what I need is to feel shut away for a while with all of us together again.  The time is slipping, slipping away so quickly and soon they will be stretching their wings to find their own way. 


Valerie said...

April ~ this is the first time I have been to your blog. It is really awesome. I hope I remember to take the time to come back. I miss not seeing you on Wednesday's. I hope you will be able to come back starting Sept. 15. Of course, you can call me anytime if you need some time away for a quick walk or a just a neighborly ear. Love, Valerie

Wendy said...

That scene looks like Block Island.

There is nothing I like more than quiet. When everyone is out of my house? Heaven!

As for the comments about baby moments, I remember being so upset when I read Lily's final update from Thailand (at 11 months) and it said, "NJ is now walking well..." I was sure I'd at least get to see her first steps.

Here's how I look at it with both my kids. I have enjoyed, savored, and been part of so many more memories with my kids than I have missed. What I missed is only a tiny fraction of what I have been able to experience. Reassuring myself of that helps a lot!

Sabrina said...

I think this longing to make it all slow down and be peaceful is normal, at least I hope so as I've really been feeling it lately as well.
This is one of the reasons I choose to homeschool, I love having them with me when they learn, I love that they don't hurry off to school everyday for 7 hours and spend extra time doing homework instead of being together as a family.
In Naples it's easy to "check out" of the real world and do your own thing (though it's not so peaceful as you well know). We've tried to keep a slow pace while being here, enjoying family time and travel.
I've enjoyed browsing your blog this morning, you have a beatiful family. Sorry your hubby is away, I know how that feels as well.
Take care,

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