To Whom it May Concern

Dear Mom & Dad
I am on strike. I will not be nice, I will not share and I will not under any circumstance pretend to like this little person that has invaded my space. Because I became a big brother under false pretenses, I do not feel like I have to live up to my end of obligatory brotherly responsibilities. Per our previous conversations you implied that life after my little sister would be fun and adventurous. I would like to refute these statements with facts of my own and demand retribution for my pain and suffering.
1. I do not have anyone to play with. She has taken over the house and wrecks everything she sees.
2. She wants only my special toys and breaks my legos and does not say 'sorry'.
3. She does not know anything about Star Wars and doesn't respond when I call her Princess Leah.
4. She hits me on the head with toys and I can not hit her back.
5. You say she's a baby but she runs as fast as me and is strong enough to push me down.
6. She does everything on purpose and is mean.
7. She is not my friend and I do not like her.
8. When I play with her toys and she takes them away she is always stealing from me.
9. I get in more trouble now and she gets more hugs.

I could go on but I think you understand my position. My demands are as follows and until they are met I will continue to be emotional, irrational and angry with the possibility for sudden out bursts.

1. She is to get older immediately and no longer be a baby.
2. She is to no longer look, touch, smell or come within 50 feet of my toys.
3. She is to allow me to play with her new toys whenever I want and watch me do so with a smile.
4. No longer hit me or push me over.
5. She is to no longer look at me unless I look at her first.

If these demands are not met I would like a refund on my sister. I know that you have gone to alot of trouble to bring her here but I'm sure once you explain to the sister fairy that she is imcompatible with my rules and likes, they will understand. I will kindly donate a portion of my piggy bank allowance for the next big brother's in-home-defense system (which I gather you skimped on for me).
You have 72 hours to comply with these demands. Until then, the strike remains at threat con delta and timeouts are not recognized as punishment.
Your Son, G