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I'm over at Faith Deployed today sharing how spiritual fitness is so much more important than physical fitness.
It wasn't too long ago that Prim sat on my lap, crying so sadly and with such depth that I couldn't help but cry right along with her. She said to me, "I missed you when I was a baby", and in that moment I got that she understood her life has been different. I can not deny that things are going to be different for her. I can not pretend away her hurt and grief that still lurks in her five year old mind. Her adoption and the subsequent trauma of abandonment are imprinted on her soul. The only question is what she's going to do with what she's been given.
I can see now that she is working through some things. She is trying to be this independent little girl while still clinging to the parents she hopes won't abandon her. Even after all of this time, somewhere deep down, she doesn't believe she will wake up in the morning and we will still be here. And I don't blame her.
Adoption is hard. But not because it's hard for me. It's because my daughter hurts. Everything changed for her. She had to fit into our world and there are days I watch her play and smile and wonder who she would be if she were still thousands of miles away surrounded by what was always familiar.
There is nothing more difficult as a mother to watch your child suffer and suffer she certainly has. I pray that God watches over my sweet girl. That He stands in the gap on the days when I don't know what to do or how to do it. That He becomes Love for her that is fulfilling and complete in every way. I pray that He gives me the wisdom to do right by her and show her compassionate and patience. I hope she can feel how much I love her, how much I care for her and who she is. Because she deserves everything this world has to offer.
I'm so thrilled to finally be able to announce that I will be part of Jocelyn Green's new book, "Faith Deployed Again" due out this August!! I was so blessed to be a part of this collaborative effort with such talented women and loved every part of the process. Thanks to Jocelyn for the amazing opportunity! If you or someone you know is a military spouse or family member looking for encouragement then please look for the book this summer!
A huge thanks to my husband who came home from deployment just in time for me to start this project and afforded me the time and energy to meet my deadline! And thanks to my family and friends who encouraged and prayed for me this past six weeks!
It's amazing how life can change in a moment. I should be downstairs, enjoying these last few days of winter vacation with my husband. Instead, I write this from Prim's bed; still disbelieving that we have regressed three years. Last week she watched a movie that scared her and we are now back to the first year of her being home. She can't go into another room by herself and bedtime is a nightmare if one of us doesn't lay down with her. She is whiny, demanding and irrational and H and I are frusrated in return. I have to be honest. I don't get it. On a mature, thoughtful, educated level I understand. I get that abandonment issues do not go away. I know that we will face adoption related emotions for years to come and then some. And I also understand that in my frustration and yes, resentment, that I am making this about me and not her. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how else to show her that she is safe. I don't know how to not feel angry when I just need to sit with my husband after a long day and enjoy him finally being home. I remember how I used to cringe at the smallest noise, praying that she hadn't woken up after taking hours for her to fall asleep. And now we're back. The worst part is that I don't know how to help my daughter. It's like watching three years of love and patience slip down the drain.
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