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A Post on Regression
It's amazing how life can change in a moment. I should be downstairs, enjoying these last few days of winter vacation with my husband. Instead, I write this from Prim's bed; still disbelieving that we have regressed three years. Last week she watched a movie that scared her and we are now back to the first year of her being home. She can't go into another room by herself and bedtime is a nightmare if one of us doesn't lay down with her. She is whiny, demanding and irrational and H and I are frusrated in return. I have to be honest. I don't get it. On a mature, thoughtful, educated level I understand. I get that abandonment issues do not go away. I know that we will face adoption related emotions for years to come and then some. And I also understand that in my frustration and yes, resentment, that I am making this about me and not her. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how else to show her that she is safe. I don't know how to not feel angry when I just need to sit with my husband after a long day and enjoy him finally being home. I remember how I used to cringe at the smallest noise, praying that she hadn't woken up after taking hours for her to fall asleep. And now we're back. The worst part is that I don't know how to help my daughter. It's like watching three years of love and patience slip down the drain.
6 comments:
Hang in there, April. You are still helping her, even when it seems it's all been for nothing. We've had some doozie regressions, too. It is maddening and I'm not sure if I get more frustrated at myself or my kid, but as hard as the regressions are, the behaviors don't last nearly as long as they did the first time around. Thank goodness. It's not much consolation when you're in the middle of bedtime, or wanting to run quickly to the laundry room (or bathroom) alone, but it won't take another 3 years to get back what you had. All of your love and patience is soaking in, even if her skin seems "waterproof" right now.
Oh, sweet April, I wish I had some "been there" advice like Robin, but I'll just say that I'm praying for you, you are doing the right thing and I appreciate your honesty. There's an old hymn that my father used to sing to me at bedtime and now I sing it to my kids (and to myself!). It goes "Day by day and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear. He whose heart is kind beyond all measure, gives unto each day what He deems best, lovingly. It's part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest." So tonight I'm praying that you'll find the strength to meet your trials and that amidst this toil He'll provide some rest. For all of you!
Oh April. I wish I could give you a big hug to reassure you that you and H are amazing parents. Thank you SO much for being honest. Thank you for giving a loving TRUTHFUL glimpse into adoption. I have drawn so much strength from your blog because our family experiences much of what yours does--and sometimes it seems that no one else will admit to the hurt, the difficulty, and the struggles. You do. And I don't feel so alone because you do. But the light of God's love shines through each and every one of your posts. And I am sure that God's love shines through you, even in your frustration, when you're dealing with Prim's setbacks. Oh April! Take comfort in Him, in what He's promised--for you and for Prim. I Cor. 10:13 has gotten us through two incredibly difficult years. For us, our setback after 2 years of slow, careful, and purposeful bonding was putting our 6-year-old back in diapers. But it's OK. And you and Prim will be OK too. My prayers are with you and your family this New Year's.
Praying for you!!! I was linked to your blog through another adoption hopeful from Holt Brazenlilly's blog. I am sure it is very discouraging to feel like your love and efforts over the last three years haven't worked. I am praying for you! Thank you for your honesty. Hope things start to get better soon.
I liken attachment to a game of "Mother, May I." Five little steps forward, one giant step back, two giant steps forward, 7 little ones back... It's so hard to deal with regression. Believe me, I know. But the intensity, frequency and duration all improve each and every time. She is soaking in the love right now, and she is STILL playing that game - trying to move forward to the finish line, even if she's taking steps backwards right now. Hang in there.
I feel your pain, April. We have some issues here too with my daughter needing to sleep with me again after it took us a year to get her to sleep on her own. It goes in spurts really. For a few weeks or months she is fine and then something (a movie, something new or a transition) and she is more clingy and can't sleep without me. Most of the time I am ok with it. It's part of being her mommy and making her feel safe and secure. But some days I am tired and so wishing to have alone time with my husband. Let alone some time just for me! So what I am saying is I think all this is normal. Hang in there. It won't take another 3 years. It's just a minor setback. You seem to be an amazing mother and I'm sure she will come out of each regression feeling just a bit more secure.
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