Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bed Time Struggles

I am having a wits end moment. Right this second my daughter is screaming at the tippy top of her lungs "MOMMY! MOMMY!" over and over again.  She is so angry that I sent her right back to bed after getting up to tell me that she had a "nightmare".  She had yet to fall asleep and already there are a million and one excuses for why she can not go to bed.  This happens each and every night and I am done.

These are the moments when I find myself biting the inside of my cheek for fear of saying something angry and loud.  I feel almost nailed to the ground fearful of how to approach her because in my mind this is always a pivotal moment. The moment that she will remember for always.  The moment that made her stay fearful.  The memory of my angry and frustrated face.  Flash backs of a mom that didn't comfort her when she needed it.

For me this is-so far-the hardest parted of being an adoptive parent; knowing when behavior is trauma related or when it's the stubbornness of a four year old. 

.......G just came down stairs.  The screaming is keeping him up, even when I put him in my bed.  We held hands and prayed that God would calm her heart and help me to have patience. 

........In the middle of a scream there was complete silence. I gave it a minute, almost worried that something had happened. I peeked into her room and she is asleep, passed out from exhaustion.

She was over tired and now I feel like I was too harsh with her.  Some days I can't tell what she needs and I wonder, selfishly, how much more I can possibly give her.

G did not feel like he had to manipulate me for my attention and affection and Prim does.  Even after almost three years.  Even after the hugs, the kisses, the love, there is  a part of her that is still scared and it makes me feel so very sad. 

Not for me, but for her.

Sometimes my head gets it and my heart doesn't.  


Robin said...

Oh April, I could have written this post, too. Not about bed time, but other shenanigans - we also struggle always knowing when T's behavior is trauma related vs. age appropriate. I often feel at a disadvantage because we don't have bio kids to compare to, but I try to remind myself that all kids are different anyhow.

I also find myself selfishly wondering how more I can give. It's not the inside of the cheek that I bite, though. It's my lower lip, and some days I'm afraid I'll bite straight through. Hang in there!

Brazenlilly said...

Oh, man, bed time is rough. And so far I ONLY have bio kids to compare, both are polar opposites when it comes to bedtime needs and behavior, and we don't even have the attachment issues thrown into the pot yet.

I'm saying a prayer for you, that you and Prim will get some rest and sleep, that you will have wisdom "each and every night" to know just what to do. You are an amazing mom. You'll get through this and so will she!

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