Sunday, December 28, 2008

Are You Still My Mommy?

This is what Prim asked me a few days ago. It was night time. The bedtime routines were done, teeth brushed, books read. I was tucking her in after saying our prayers and she asked me "Mommy, are you still my Mommy?". What a big question for such a little girl. I replied that yes, of course, I was her Mommy forever and ever. And then she said "Daddy my Daddy?". Yes, honey. Daddy will always be your Daddy.
This was a poignant moment for me and I realize that her question comes at an emotional time for our family. With H one week away from deploying to Iraq we are all reaffirming our position in the family and Prim is no exception. She can feel the change coming. The past few weeks have been busy and stressful. I admit as only a mother can, that I feel guilty for the amount of time I have had to leave her or ask her to play on her own. Her anxiety, as always, comes out at night. Bedtime becomes a battle ground, we go back to basics and start all over again. She tests, she pushes, she demands and yet some how in all of this she matures, she learns and our love for her grows stronger.
I am convinced my little girl is an old soul. She has wisdom beyond her years and the changes that we often take in stride leave her wandering and aimless. We know now to grab hold of her and keep her tight. That to get her over these hurdles we stand firm and do not let the circumstances of the beginning of her life sway our choices in raising her.
I know that this question will be the first of many to come and it makes me smile. My daughter is not one to take life lightly and I know that she will want to know it all. It is indicative of her spirit and I love that about her.
I hope one day, when she is an adult and begins a family of her own, that she has never doubted that I was a mother to her in every way. That there are moments when I feel suddenly jarred by the realization that she did not come from me.
These next six months will be difficult for her and G. She will wonder why Daddy isn't home yet and will ask every day where he is. G will be sad and when the weeks start to tick by I think it is then that he will finally understand the length of his absence. Someone told me once that every trial and challenge is an opportunity for growth. I hold that close to my heart and know that although this is difficult for us all, we will grow in faith and love. To my husband I say I am proud of you. We sacrifice together but in very different ways-all for the sake of a country we love. It may not be easy but what ever is? Like I always tell G, just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not worth fighting for.
To all of my girlfriends whose husbands are deployed, may God bless you and keep you and may they come home safe. We are all still Mommies and Daddies are still Daddies, no matter where we are in the world...


Anonymous said...

I havent been by your blog in a very long time, best wishes for his upcoming deployment, I know the weeks up to leaving were the hardest and most challenging for me.
I know future deployments are always on my mind for us too as we still wait for our 'call' its been a long time waiting with the Aussie process, James is due to deploy again in feb 2010 so either way we wont have long home with our little one before he heads off for 8months. We live on a military base and all the houses around me have deployed dads at the moment, all the ladies are doing really well I think mainly through supporting each other - which involves lots of dinners at each others houses. Gem x

jessica said...

What sweet sadness! We will be keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

from Holt blog

grey muse said...

You are truly gifted in so many ways, April. I pray for you, weep with you, and will rejoice the day you reunite again. I feel your pain. You speak such truth...No one said it would be easy and God never promised that. However, you are a strong women and you can do all things though Christ who strengthens you! I will pray for strength, endurance,patience,peace that passes ALL understanding,health,wisdom, support,perseverance,clarity,strategy,fellowship,positivity,diligence,consistency,quick reflex (mentally and physically),safety (physical,mental,emotional,and spiritual),foresight,humility,comfort and fortitude for you (among so much more)...for your precious children...and for your amazing husband. Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Joshua 1:9"Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord thy God is with you wherever you go."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16" Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Put on the full armor of God daily. read Ephesians 6:10-18

Collossians 3:23 " Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."

Remember girl...This too shall pass :)
<3 Amy G.

April said...

thanks aim-your words mean so much. God and me are gonna be TIGHT these next few months:)

Wendy said...

Hi April,
I haven't talked to you in AGES! I love your blog. Grace is getting so big! I will be praying for your husband as he deploys.

Mom to Grace's "foster sister," Lily

PS: Have you sent anything to the foster family lately? I feel so badly that I haven't. I'm going to have Lily write them a note and include some photos.

April said...

Hi Wendy!! Are you on Facebook?? If you are, look me up ok? I was just talking to another adoptive mommy about sending pictures saying I need to do that soon! This little girl is growing like a weed. I just mentioned to Hung that the new baby that came after Grace came home should be getting ready to go to their new adoptive parents soon-it's almost that time! I would LOVE to find out who the new parents are! Maybe I should poke around on the new Holt forums:) Wouldn't that be neat to know whose children had the same foster family-we could all travel together one day and visit! I know, very optimistic but something to think about! Hope you are all well and enjoying a new year!
Love, April

rosemary said...

This is so beautifully written. What heartfelt wishes for your daughter! I will be praying for your family during this time and for your husband in his service.

Wendy said...

I just read your response today! Sorry for the delay. No, I'm not on Facebook (that's my teenager's domain). I still haven't gotten around to sending anything to the foster family. We are getting ready to go to the Philippines (my older daughter's birthplace) in two weeks, so, between preparing for that trip, teaching, and the kids, dogs, et. al., I'm pretty busy. Do, please email me! I'll send some pictures of Lily. She's growing like a weed, too! Hard to believe, but she'll be in kindergarten in the fall and is reading up a storm already. My email address is I'd love to hear from you!

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