Round and Round We Go

Today was my fourth ultrasound this cycle and the news was disappointing. After five days of Clomid and four on Estrogen my follicles still have not matured to where they should be. They are stuck around 10 and 11.5 and have done little in the way of growth since last Saturday. 

I have to be honest, my heart was incredibly heavy to hear that we may have to skip this month's IUI. The doctor and I talked extensively about this and she was wonderful in answering all of my questions about why this is happening and what can be done going forward.

I told her that I just don't understand. With G we were pregnant after one cycle of treatment and needed no medication. None. I know I'm older but still feel like I have two good years before I should be worried about egg quality. We went back and forth about the underlying cause of follicle/egg immaturity and found our way back to PCOS.

My ovaries are considered Polycystic but my blood work is not necessarily indicative of the "syndrome".  I find it frustrating as I have every symptom (including the infertility) and with todays results I see it as one more check in the box for PCOS.  I am relieved that my doctor is open minded. She said that over the years the difficult aspect of diagnosing PCOS is that the standards for testing are always changing.  As a reproductive endocrinologist of many years she has seen the line in the sand smoothed over and redrawn only to leave some patients outside of the new 'criteria' without the opportunity for treatment.  If this month is unsuccessful she is wiling to begin treatment for PCOS along with other fertility drugs to induce better stimulation.

We left the appointment in agreement that  I would do two shots of injectible hormones in a last ditch attempt to mature the largest follicles. If that is successful we will proceed with IUI, if not than her opinion is to begin the PCOS medication along with injectable hormones to see if those give us better results.

 These decisions are not without difficulty for me. There is risk associated with all of this and I have to consider the two children I already have. I think about the money that we are going to pour into this effort all for the sake of having another biological child and feel a sense of guilt.  This is money and time and effort that could be going towards an adoption.

But....

Something inside of me yearns for the feel of those small kicks and hiccups.  I keep asking God to clear a way. Make the path to growing our family straight as an arrow. Help me to be strong yet bend to Your will, oh Lord.  Consider my heart yet keep me from being a victim of my own fleshly desires.  God fill this space with Your Spirit so that there is no room for doubt or uncertainty.