She Knows She's Different

It wasn't too long ago that Prim sat on my lap, crying so sadly and with such depth that I couldn't help but cry right along with her.  She said to me, "I missed you when I was a baby", and in that moment I got that she understood her life has been different.  I can not deny that things are going to be different for her.  I can not pretend away her hurt and grief that still lurks in her five year old mind.  Her adoption and the subsequent trauma of abandonment are imprinted on her soul.  The only question is what she's going to do with what she's been given.
I can see now that she is working through some things.  She is trying to be this independent little girl while still clinging to the parents she hopes won't abandon her.  Even after all of this time, somewhere deep down, she doesn't believe she will wake up in the morning and we will still be here.  And I don't blame her.
Adoption is hard. But not because it's hard for me.  It's because my daughter hurts.  Everything changed for her.  She had to fit into our world and there are days I watch her play and smile and wonder who she would be if she were still thousands of miles away surrounded by what was always familiar.
There is nothing more difficult as a mother to watch your child suffer and suffer she certainly has.  I pray that God watches over my sweet girl.  That He stands in the gap on the days when I don't know what to do or how to do it.  That He becomes Love for her that is fulfilling and complete in every way.  I pray that He gives me the wisdom to do right by her and show her compassionate and patience.   I hope she can feel how much I love her, how much I care for her and who she is.  Because she deserves everything this world has to offer.

A Post on Regression

It's amazing how life can change in a moment. I should be downstairs, enjoying these last few days of winter vacation with my husband. Instead, I write this from Prim's bed; still disbelieving that we have regressed three years. Last week she watched a movie that scared her and we are now back to the first year of her being home. She can't go into another room by herself and bedtime is a nightmare if one of us doesn't lay down with her. She is whiny, demanding and irrational and H and I are frusrated in return. I have to be honest. I don't get it. On a mature, thoughtful, educated level I understand. I get that abandonment issues do not go away. I know that we will face adoption related emotions for years to come and then some. And I also understand that in my frustration and yes, resentment, that I am making this about me and not her. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how else to show her that she is safe. I don't know how to not feel angry when I just need to sit with my husband after a long day and enjoy him finally being home. I remember how I used to cringe at the smallest noise, praying that she hadn't woken up after taking hours for her to fall asleep. And now we're back. The worst part is that I don't know how to help my daughter. It's like watching three years of love and patience slip down the drain.

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A Repost at Grown in My Heart

Follow me here at GIMH for a recent post in honor of national adoption month.  While I received some scathing comments in response to my post, I couldn't be more proud of our family and honored to be raising such a special little girl.

Should Military Families Adopt?: Part 3

While H was preparing to deploy January of last year I won't deny that I had a  few moments of panic.  We had spent the past year and a half assuring Prim that we were, in fact, here to stay.  That nighttime was not scary because we were all still together when the lights were out and that we would love her even when she fought us as if her life depended on it.

We were just beginning to see who she was beyond the hurt and fear when H left for Iraq and I was afraid that her smile would fade in the wake of her father's absence. Explaining to a three year old that Daddy is going on a long trip is pretty much the equivalent of telling her he'll be home tomorrow. She had no concept of time, no internal calendar to help mark the days gone by, so after the first week, when she was asking for Daddy to come back and I couldn't explain any better that the deployment was seven months long, we both wept.  I felt guilty for causing her unnecessary pain, for putting her through what I had promised so casually would never happen again. I had a moment of thinking "what had we done?". Did we really think her soul could survive the constant separation? Was a military lifestyle okay for a child who had suffered the trauma of abandonment not once but twice?

That first week, when we held each other and wept, I silently pulled out the daddy doll I had been saving for a moment when I knew she would need to see his face. I put the puffy pillow-like doll with Daddy's smiling face in between us and wrapped her arms around it.  Reminding her that Daddy still loved her. That even though he was miles away he was still in her heart. That he was coming back.  That we would be with her always.  That the distance did not mean he was gone for good, just gone for now.  I'll never forget the look of surprise on her face when she saw her new doll.  How wide her eyes got at the small version of him in front of her.  She very quietly said, "Oh daddy. I've missed you so much" as she lovingly stroked his face and cried.

Later that night I cried for her, for us.  It was so hard but seeing her sadness gave me hope that some of the anger she had been holding on to was melting away.  That her tears could be wiped away and replaced with a smile.  Over the next seven months she went through an adjustment process, working out her feelings in many ways. Sleep issues resurfaced with a vengeance, no place was close enough to me and it was exhausting.  But she did it! She smiled and laughed and played.  She went to preschool and made friends and learned to manage her feelings as she continued to mature.  She realized that our family was still a family no matter where we were in the world.  She laughed at daddy on the computer when we had an opportunity to Skype and loved babbling about everything on the phone when he called.

When H returned from deployment last August it was such a sweet homecoming for the kids. Prim jumped into his arms with abandon and shouted over and over again "I missed you Daddy!".  She was surprisingly content and the adjustment for her was minimal in the following weeks. I was so proud of her, so thankful for her peaceful heart.

We moved twice in nine weeks after H's return.  Talk about confusing, especially for our little girl.  But we did it with a smile, made our moving a crazy adventure and drove across country to Virginia where we knew another deployment awaited us.  Somewhere in the next few months my daughter became confident, assured in her position in the family.  She went into a new preschool (again) making friends easily and being an enthusiastic student.  She asked often if we were moving again and we would laugh and say "not for a while" at which she would laugh as well.

And then, Daddy deployed again this past April and the goodbyes and I'll be coming backs started all over again. It was incredibly sad but the past seven months had made a big difference in her development and the previous deployment was still fresh in their minds. We settled into a routine, talking often about missing daddy but concentrating on school work, activities, family and friends.  This time she talks about what we'll do when Daddy comes home and I smile because she sees herself in the future with us all together.  She understands that we are together forever.

I had some moments of fear that being a military family would be too difficult for her.   That it wasn't fair to constantly change and uproot and be apart.  But what I have learned is that we have the unique opportunity to focus on what permanence means. That God is still God no matter what.  That our family can live anywhere and still be OUR family.  That Daddy going away is temporary and love can defy distance and time.  That we are serving our country when we support Daddy.  That we can be bigger and better than our circumstances.

I have had the pleasure of knowing many military families who have adopted and I think they make such amazing parents.  Living a military life forces you to be open to the unknown, you are surrounded by a wonderful mixture of nationalities, cultures and lifestyles.  We are grounded by a common bond of sacrifice, honor and service that extends to our churches, communities and schools.

I am proud to say that we are a military family who has chosen to expand our family through adoption.  What is difficult and challenging is also extremely rewarding. We live a life that depends on the 100% assurance of God and faith in His plan and Prim was a part of that plan. He knew our life and what it would mean for her and I am confident that He does not make mistakes.

Bed Time Struggles

I am having a wits end moment. Right this second my daughter is screaming at the tippy top of her lungs "MOMMY! MOMMY!" over and over again.  She is so angry that I sent her right back to bed after getting up to tell me that she had a "nightmare".  She had yet to fall asleep and already there are a million and one excuses for why she can not go to bed.  This happens each and every night and I am done.

These are the moments when I find myself biting the inside of my cheek for fear of saying something angry and loud.  I feel almost nailed to the ground fearful of how to approach her because in my mind this is always a pivotal moment. The moment that she will remember for always.  The moment that made her stay fearful.  The memory of my angry and frustrated face.  Flash backs of a mom that didn't comfort her when she needed it.

For me this is-so far-the hardest parted of being an adoptive parent; knowing when behavior is trauma related or when it's the stubbornness of a four year old. 

.......G just came down stairs.  The screaming is keeping him up, even when I put him in my bed.  We held hands and prayed that God would calm her heart and help me to have patience. 

........In the middle of a scream there was complete silence. I gave it a minute, almost worried that something had happened. I peeked into her room and she is asleep, passed out from exhaustion.

She was over tired and now I feel like I was too harsh with her.  Some days I can't tell what she needs and I wonder, selfishly, how much more I can possibly give her.

G did not feel like he had to manipulate me for my attention and affection and Prim does.  Even after almost three years.  Even after the hugs, the kisses, the love, there is  a part of her that is still scared and it makes me feel so very sad. 

Not for me, but for her.

Sometimes my head gets it and my heart doesn't.  

What No One Told You

We'll continue with Part II of "What I Don't Hear" tomorrow.  But for now, I'd like to know, what was it that you learned after coming home and the months that followed your child's adoption that you wish someone would have told you before hand?

What little nugget of wisdom would have been transformative in helping you prepare yourself and your child for your new life together? 

I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas and please, please share your heart!

To Anonymous With Love

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment on my previous blog post.  I sat and thought about what you wrote for a long time.  The concern that you feel is  tangible so, today, I would like to dedicate this post to you.

I can only speak for myself when I say that any decision that we make as a family is made prayerfully.  Do we do it perfectly? Never.  We tend to jump before we look at times, but for the most part, we petition God for His guidance and direction so that we may be lead with a pure and humble heart.

I will honestly say that I don't know how life's decisions can be made without the prompting and guidance of the Holy Spirit.  We are constantly bombarded with a need to quench our own desires, to be fulfilled according to our own feelings.  Oftentimes what I really need is to stop and consider my motives before moving ahead.

I'm saying this because you are questioning the desire of your heart.  What God brings to the table is discernment. Recognizing God's voice in the midst of doubt and fear is a tremendous gift because so often we are asked to do something that is completely out of our comfort zone or given the opportunity to follow what He has so clearly placed on our heart.  I would encourage you to pray.  To seek wisdom and guidance in His Word because the answers to your questions are all there.  You must replace doubt with truth to be able to move forward.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Following the will of God does not mean that the path will easy.  We are not promised a road less traveled.  In fact, oftentimes when we proceed as God asks, we can find ourselves in the mire and the muck, gasping for air.  But there is a choice.  Obey God, trust in Him that He will make our path straight and know that He will not abandon us.  He can and will use every situation for His glory and furthermore will strengthen us in ways we could not have anticipated.


Adoption can be messy.  There have been moments in the past with my daughter when I have felt such despair in both of us that I could not see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  She felt so broken in her sadness and as a mother it was gut wrenching to watch.  I stayed awake at night thinking about the unfairness of it all.  The abandonment, the grief, the insecurity.  I found myself angry at the family of a young girl who gave birth to a precious baby.  The only help they gave was to assist her in giving up her child.  When I think of what my daughter could have been spared I feel such sorrow for them both.


But I do not have regret.


I would do it over and over again.


God called us to answer the desire of our heart in building our family through adoption and that includes the layer upon layer of issues and emotions that come with it.  For better and for worse we were asked and answered the call to become parents to both a biological and adopted child and we never doubted that God would be in each and every moment.  That He would bridge the gap for our inequities and that our journey would be guided in miraculous ways.


The things about parenting is that no one can tell you how to do it right.  We will all succeed and fail.   We are broken and imperfect people.  But what we do have is the example of the perfect Person.  Jesus.  He walked on this earth to give us all that we need to not only be happy, but to be whole.  He loved the very best and worst of us.  The leper, the harlot, the sick and the infirm, the poor and the weak of heart.  Society's outcasts, the invisible many, were loved unconditionally by God who came in the form as man so that we could experience love.  He is our example for raising our children.


When I say that nothing I do or say will be enough it's because I often fall short of the glory of God.  For my children, I will raise them to the very best of my ability.  I am not a perfect mother and I know that I may not fill their hearts with all that they need.  But God can.  When I say that we do our best I am not being cliche or flip.  Because getting up every morning and deciding to be a better mother than you were yesterday is doing your best.  And on the days when you fail or falter, you give it to God, pray for the strength to do better, put one foot in front of the other and go forward.

There will always be someone standing by to criticise or condemn.  Even from other adoptive parents or adoptees.  But the point is is that you are not raising a family to please other people.  Adoptees may grab you by the neck and scream "don't do what my parents did with me and ignore, ignore, ignore!!" and adoptive parents may pull you aside and whisper "they'll forget in time, don't worry about it" (wink, wink).  Parents that have never adopted may look at your sweet family and shower you with accolades as to how "naturally" your adopted child fits in-like you've won the adoption lottery and not gotten one of those "difficult" children.

We could stereotype and finger point all day but when it comes down to it, it is a personal, family decision.  When you come to the understanding that you are not adopting a child but their entire history, when you want to be the perfect fit for your child, not the other way around, than I would say you are becoming a mother already.

Love and Adoption

A friend of mine had her baby last night.  A big, healthy baby boy that will change her life forever just by his presence outside of her body.  I want to tell her how his smile is going to burrow deep into the secret places in her heart.  Or how she will cry when he takes his first steps because there is no turning back from that kind of independence.

Parenting is an amazing metamorphosis of the soul.  I think if you took the fabric of my being, the cells that sustain my life, and looked at them under a microscope before and after becoming a parent, there would be a physical and noticeable change.  You can not bring another human being into the world and remain stagnant.

I remember when Prim came home.  I had an exhaustion both physically and emotionally as if I had given birth.  But instead of a sore body (and leaky boobs) I had an aching heart for a little girl who did not feel like my own because she had not claimed me as hers. 

It's one thing to parent and love a child that was birthed from your womb.  A child that you pridefully look at and boast the obvious physical connection from you or your spouse.  The lips, the hair, the eyes.  The way they wrinkle their nose in their sleep.  And, oh, those sweet baby fingers and toes.  But to hold a child that is-quite honestly-in the depths of despair, takes no solace in your soothing words or loving embrace, will change you.  Big time.

Let me go back to what I said about Prim not feeling like mine until she claimed me as hers.  It had nothing to do with not feeling like she was my daughter.  That girl was mine all right.  Look at her cross eyed and I'd turn into a version of myself that would probably leave you speechless.  She was mine from the minute I saw her.

But what I mean is is that I had to earn the privilege of being her mother.  I had to endure the crying, the screaming, the anguish.  I had to bear the brunt of her grief, her anger and loss.  I was not entitled to her love just because I was given the title of mother.

I had to wait.  My heart had to be patient.  I was on her time table, not my own.  You see, her DNA has changed.  She was a girl, living a sweet life with a big family.  She didn't understand that she was not theirs for keeps.  She had custom, language and routine that comforted her for twenty two months.  She had familiar mommy kisses and older sibling coddling.  She already had a family that she had faithfully given her little heart to.  And then we came.

And we left.

Together.

All of the familiar was gone.  All of the comfort taken.  We did not have to change our lives but she had to alter everything she knew to fit into our family.  I know that in many ways-ways in which I may not anticipate or foresee-it changed her.  Maybe not for the worse.  Maybe not for the best.  Change can often be a mixture of both. Oil an vinegar or cinnamon and sugar.  Only time will tell.  But sometimes, in quiet moments,  I think about that baby in Thailand and wonder who she would be if she were still there and not here. 

I don't know when it was that the real healing began.  I can't put a date to it, there was no message in the sky that announced YOU DID IT! in fluffy white letters.  But slowly, after seasons had changed, a few birthdays celebrated and many tears shed, I was still a life vest but Prim was no longer sinking.

She moved from surviving to living.

Gasping to breathing. 

Being.

And after a while, when she called me mom, I knew she meant it.  I knew she felt it.  There is room in her heart for me and that my friends, is a sweet place to be.


This post is dedicated to K & J and their beautiful baby boy 'Kawika'.  May God bless your journey with all of the joys and challenges that come with the privilege of parenting.   We love you.

Have You Lost Your Mind?

This is a common, almost redundant phrase in our house touted by mean mommy.  I can't remember exactly when I started saying it but I believe it happened right around the time our darling daughter ripped the fan from her bedroom wall and hurled it at me over a baby gate.  I remember looking at her and thinking in all seriousness that she had, indeed, lost her little mind.  And *wow* freakishly strong.

So when my kids hear me say have you lost your mind?! they know they have done something extraordinary-and I don't mean in a good way.  I mean the sneeze, look right at me while you wipe the huge booger off your face and then eat it while smiling kind of lost their minds.

For example, I was at the mall with a friend of mine and well into our marathon of shopping she says to me "umm...A....Prim isn't wearing any panties...."  How did she know that? Because a certain little girl was wearing a dress and had her legs from here to there and girl parts were all over the place.  I was mortified and when I asked her  Prim, have you lost your mind? WHERE are your panties?  she responded What? I didn't feel like wearing panties today mommy! Cue big adorable innocent smile and a bit of eyelash batting thrown in for good measure.

Like Ricky Ricardo always said "AYI-YI!"

I know our children make mistakes and, yes, some are bigger than others. Many, in fact, seem to come from a planet I like to call Crazy but relatively speaking they are acting as they should. Like kids.

But I have to remember, too, that there are times-like in that moment when I came within kissing distance of a wall fan- that our dysregulated children can have moments when they do in a sense 'lose their minds'.  It's not purposeful and it's definitely not always controllable. It is a moment driven purely by chemistry and instinct, not logic and reason.

In that moment of crying, screaming and feet stomping, when I wish that life has a mute button and I'd give anything to hear nails on a chalkboard over my daughter's tantruming, I have to check myself.

Self? 

Yes?

Check 1. 2. 3

(breathing)

....sometimes more breathing.....

Remind myself how we got here because it's certainly not about asking her to put on sneakers instead of flip flops.  Attachment, separation, attachment, separation, attachment. 

What I love after the initial chaos is being a part of the process.  The calming, the breathing, reconciliation, the hugs.  Watching her come from a place of fear and of being completely lost in the moment to waking up to the reality that I'm still there.

She did not push me away.  I am still loving her and will hold her in my arms.  She loses her mind but I help her find it and those are the times when I know that, oh yeah, this is pretty awesome.

Hindsight

One situation that tends to be overwhelming for Prim is having guests at our home.  It's a catch 22 really because our little girl loves a house full of people. She loves the noise and the bodies everywhere. She seems to be most comfortable in group settings and I can almost correctly assume it has to do with being from a large foster family.

Prim's outgoing nature is a blessing to us because H and I are a very social couple. We host bible studies, work functions, have families over for dinner and just enjoy being in the presence of friends and family.  As a military family, we have learned to jump, not tip toe, into relationships and gatherings.  Our time is so short at any one duty station that if we waited until we were comfortably settled before becoming involved in church or making new friendships, we'd be on the road to moving again. Both of our children are flexible and accustomed to this life already and are used to the constant flow of people in our home.

While Prim is comfortable and outgoing during these times I have also noticed that she can become overwhelmed easily.  After watching her, especially yesterday after the arrival of my cousin and her girls, I noticed that it's not them 'being' here that is overwhelming. It seems like it's Prim's own excitement that can cause her to become dysregulated. She becomes so excitable that her energy is almost frantic and frenzied in nature.

Last night she wanted to color with G and their cousin Abby but her brother told her no (they were coloring this huge styrofoam airplane) so she moved on to coloring her own sheets of paper. When she was finished and asked for tape to make a book I told her that we only had a bit left so, no, she could not use tape for her drawings. Thus commenced whining and a stern warning from me to zip it or be excused from the table until she could calm herself.  The whining and complaining continued so I asked her to leave the table which led to an immediate tantrum complete with limp body when I tried to pick her up, stomping as she took herself to the stairs to have quiet time and feet kicking and crying in strenuous protest for having to sit on the steps. 

Fifteen minutes into the crying I asked myself, could I have anticipated this from a mile away? Of course. In hindsight I could see how this seemingly innocuous incident could get blown out of proportion.  What I should have done was taken her to a quiet part of the house immediately and loved on her until she calmed down. Instead, I put her by herself, left to her own dysregulated devises and let a tantrum turn into a full fledged meltdown.  When I realized that she in fact was not going to be able to calm herself down I took her in my arms and went into the living room away from everyone else. She cried and cried, her sweaty little head on my chest with tears flowing like she had lost her best friend. My poor girl, who was so excited to see her cousins and so utterly disappointed not to be able to join in on the fun for those few minutes was devastated. She did not know how to process all of her emotions and I did nothing to help. I was too busy making dinner and chatting and really, I just wanted Prim to calm herself down without my help.

If you allow it, hindsight can become an ugly mistress.  I wanted to kick myself last night for not giving Prim the tools to handle her excitement and disappointment. I could have prepared her more for this visit and when she became upset I should have distracted her. How easy it would have been to have her help me with dinner or show her Auntie the new craft she did at school and that's probably all it would have taken to break that beginning stage of a meltdown. Shoulda, woulda, coulda right?

What Does Love Look Like

When I saw Prim's picture for the first time on Holt's waiting child page I thought, there's my little girl! She looked so serious and those eyes! Oh my her big brown eyes!

Did I love her right then and there? Yes. But it was more the idea of her that I fell in love with. She was our daughter in every sense of the word but I did not know her. I prayed for her with ceasing, I dreamt of her coming home. I longed to hold her and get to know every curve of her body. I knew God had chosen us to be her parents and she our daughter so I loved her in the way you do in faith.

Love is like a garden, flourishing with tender care and devotion. It is weeding, pruning, watering, nourishing. It is hours upon hours of dedication, coaxing and encouragement and love is not always reciprocated. Prim came home angry, afraid and confused. She did not love us but clung to us out of a primal need for survival. We had to earn her love slowly over time. We loved her by acting in love; doing for her what needed to be done so that she, like a withered garden, would bloom and grow.

We did not make our love for her dependant on the love she showed for us. Her heart was broken and her need for a safe place to fall superceeded our need to feel validated as adoptive parents.

I believe that love can heal any wound. But not just any love. Not the love you see in movies or feel after a first kiss. It's the love described so beautifully in 1 Corinthians 13: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Hyper Vigilance and The Adopted Child Part 2

I know a lot of us struggle with our parenting choices whether we have biological or adopted children. For adoptive parents, however, there is the added emotion of "am I doing it correctly?" How is my parenting going to effect the outcome of this child's life? Will my impatience today be reflected in the face of my child ten years from now? Could I be doing more to foster a closer bond?

First, let us take a deep breath and recognize that we are not perfect. Not even close. For just one minute, close your eyes and reflect on the fact that God's perfect hand is over your child. He will be the Bridge for the gap that is our imperfection and weakness. Lean on Him in the moments when you are unsure or unable and then give yourself the grace to realize that every single moment is new. How you responded a minute ago does not have to be how you respond now! It is like living 24 hours of second chances. Use them and build on them to strengthen your skill set and resolve.

The next time your hyper vigilant, hyper aware little one tantrums, disobeys and all-out tests every shred of patience you have, take a quick minute to assess and then plan. Make each moment purposeful and non reactive on your part. Remember, match intensity but not emotion.

This is what I have learned to say to myself before going forward:

1. Prim's did not wake up this morning with the intention of getting under my skin.

2. She wants my approval so her reaction right now is obviously not desirable for her either.

3. My goal is to get her regulated, not to make her obey.

4. I can not have a teachable moment until she is calm and focused and that may take time.

5. I am not 'giving in', just GIVING. (repeat this over and over again!)

Our little ones (and big ones!) have a deep desire for peace. The conflict of emotions that they feel on a daily basis to stimuli and stress is confusing, stressful and frightening. Our job is to give them a safe place to fall and acceptance during these moments of dyregulation. We don't have to like the behavior, but we can love the child for who she is. Even if this is the fifth or twenty fifth temper tantrum, approach each without the emotion carried over from the first. It is exhausting but you will see results!

Here are some tips for effectively modeling regulation:

1. Learn to breath! If your child is too young or unwilling to take deep, cleansing breaths when they become dysregulated show them that mommy and daddy can do it as well. Even in the face of screaming and crying, let them see you taking deep breaths before responding to them.

2. Bubbles!! This is a great way to practice breathing and a wonderful opportunity for distraction. Have them on both floors of the house so they can be reached easily. I will never forget the day I asked Prim in the middle of a temper tantrum "where are you bubbles??". I was that desperate!

3. Bubbles are not just for the kids! They are for you too! Sometimes it is enough to sit close by, open the bubbles and slowing start blowing. It is amazing how 1) calming this is for YOU and 2) how distracting it can be to our little one.

4. Words of affirmation. Again, we don't have to approve of the behavior but we can certainly validate the feels and give them a name. "Yes, I understand that you are angry. I can see that you are frustrated. That seems to make you sad". Giving words to feelings will eventually help them to connect their emotions in a healthy way.

5. Holding. What our children often desire in the midst of their emotional chaos is safety and acceptance in the form of a hug or rocking. For me this was hard as I felt I was 'giving in to bad behavior'. When I started holding instead of separating myself, however, the melt downs have become much, much shorter in duration and intensity.

6. Distraction. Prim's whining has gotten better. What I realized is that I was becoming a part of the problem instead of the solution. Instead of telling her to stop whining (which only escalated her response) I try and switch gears verbally to stop her brain from taking that next step in her emotional response.
For example: Prim starts whining that she really, really, REALLY wanted that snack before dinner. Me: I understand you are hungry and dinner will be ready in five minutes. Since you do such a great job, can you give the dogs a treat for me? I really need a helper right now so I can get dinner ready for you because I know you're hungry." So in just a few sentences I have validated her feelings and tried to redirect her while letting her know that I am doing my best to meet her need. For Prim this big of a phrase is usually ok. Sometimes she can only handle once sentence at a time so I slow it down. I understand you are hungry. Dinner will be in five minutes. Can I hold you?


Don't ever, not ever never ever, forget that God knew that YOU are the perfect mother for this child!! You are what they need! Remember: assess, plan, breathe and when all else fails-love. God does not love us because we are lovable. He loves us because He is love and we are created to be in relationship with Him.

Hyper Vigilance and The Adopted Child

Hyper vigilant is defined as: an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats.

Aha! moments are becoming a more frequent occurrence in our house. Our latest session with Sarah began with a progress report of the past two weeks. Did we use bubbles to practice breathing when Prim became dysregulated?
Yes! Bubbles are a fun way to distract Prim and allow her brain to shift gears so that she can begin to self regulate.

What methods worked best to comfort, soothe and promote regulation? There is no doubt that holding/snuggling works for Prim. If she can be held almost immediately after the start of a tantrum and then redirected by asking a question or making an observation about our surroundings, she is more likely to become calm more quickly.

One prominent character trait that we have established as a major contributor to Prim's behavior is her hyper awareness. She is intelligent, clever, bright and notices even the most minute change in personal appearance, facial expression or intonation. Because of this hyper awareness she becomes what Sarah referred to as hyper vigilant.

Prim needs to know where each member of the family is at all times. Every morning she makes sure that Daddy is, in fact, at work. Yes, G is going to school and we will pick him up at 3:30. Can she play in the bathroom while I take my shower? Will Daddy stay with her when I go out? She often wakes up in the middle of the night and comes into our room for a drink of water or a hug. H and I joke that she is doing her nightly head count but we see truth in the humor and understand that it is her way of staying connected. Her many questions need to be answered directly and honestly in order to ease any lingering fear or doubt and may have to be reiterated multiple times throughout the day. This was especially true when H was deployed last year.

Prim's world still needs to have boundaries that she can anticipate. Her hyper vigilance-as a result of broken attachments-can cause intense reactions in moments when she is apprehensive or fearful. She is more sensitive to change in bedtime routines or overnight trips and her vigilance requires us to be that much calmer, that much more in control of our reactions during these times.

The common denominator in graduating from intense, emotional reactions to rational cause and effect processing is our own reactions and intensity as parents. If we match our child's emotional response (those we perceive to be negative) than we have missed an opportunity to share what regulated looks like.

Sarah didn't just give those bubbles to Prim. She gave them to both of us because my emotional regulation is just as important as hers. In order to be the teacher, I must be able to be taught as I continue to seek out ways to best serve my daughter.

She CAN Do It!!

Lately our goal has been to get Prim to a place where she can express herself in a way that does not include crying, whining and tantrumming. Normally our day includes dozens of examples of the above with me trying my best to be calm and patient, prompting her to use her "big girl words" in the face of tears and screams.

It doesn't take much, saying "no" to Prim is more likely than not cause for hysterics. She is dysregulated more quickly these days than even a year ago. Who can blame her? A daddy deployed for seven months and two moves within nine weeks after his return is enough to send anyone over the edge. With the help of a therapist and some fantastic bloggin' moms, I've taken on board great suggestions and skills that, although they set me outside of my comfort zone, are what Prim needs.

Often I ask Prim, "just tell me what you need sweetheart" and what I get are tears and a high pitched chipmunk voice that make my ears feel like they are going to start bleeding. This morning, as I do every morning, I ask her go upstairs and get dressed and brush her teeth. Two months ago her response would have been immediate whining, feet stomping and altogether mayhem. About a month ago she was finally using her words to tell me (in her most whiny voice often accompanied by tears) that she doesn't want to be upstairs by herself. Even that was progress. At least then she was saying how she felt so I began walking upstairs with her so she could complete her task. This morning, after making my daily request to go upstairs and get dressed, she came up to me and said in her most big girl voice "mommy, do you mind coming upstairs with me so I can get dressed please?".

What a victory!! Not for me but for my little girl who must have felt so secure to be able to ask me with such confidence! We did a very long happy dance and celebrated her words with high fives and kisses. She did it! I know it may not happen again tomorrow or the next day but I know that she can do it and now so does she. The best part was that later she reminded me that she had talked with no whining and she felt like such a big girl!

Baby steps equal big milestones in our house. This day couldn't have gotten better.....

I Made It All About Me

I have two children. One biological and one adopted. The funny thing is, with my son, I never wonder if my love is enough to take him through life. I can honestly say that no matter what, I know that my kisses and hugs can cover his boo-boos and heartache, first crushes or broken bones. Prim, however, leaves me wondering if I can love her as much as she needs to feel whole. For every kiss or cuddle she clings to me tighter and I think, "how can I lover her more?". Lately my little one is more demanding of my time. I will walk by her and she will throw herself in my direction, hanging on to my leg or begging me to hold her. I have begun to cringe in anticipation of her fierce need for my affection. The more she presses the more I feel myself pull away.

Last week I asked Sarah, our counselor, about this. What can I do, how much more can I show my love for her? I feel selfish, insecure in my mothering. Her reply was that I am (at times) parenting out of fear. That my expectations, my validation as a mother is married to how well I perceive Prim to be adjusting. I confessed to her, in the way you might confess your darkest secret, that sometimes I see my daughter and parent her as if she is going down the road of promiscuity and drug use. I see the road before her with only two clear choices-normalcy or inadequacy- and feel ultimately responsible for both. One way I do right by her, the other I fail.

How can I possible think this way about my four year old? She has her entire life ahead of her with as much possibility for success as her brother. Why then do I jump to fear? Mostly I guess because I have seen the stories, read the admissions of some adopted children who go through life feeling incomplete and lost and I see the worst case scenario for my daughter. I see what the trauma of two broken attachments has done to her. I couldn't protect her from the pain. I can't take away what has already happened to her, what she has lost and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. She is beautiful and funny and loving and yet I can see in her eyes that she fears being left. Again.

In these moments, I forget that I am not the center of the universe. I forget that there is a bigger part of our equation. God. He is the love that will bridge the gap. He is Who will fill in for my failures. After talking with Sarah I realized that my pulling away was not because I did not want to hold my daughter, but because I feared doing it and failing anyway. How simple I made Prim's life. Do this and she succeeds, don't do this right and she is lost to her circumstances. I forgot the God Who created her. The God who brought us together and I feel ashamed. He used Sarah as a reminder to me that she will be blessed because of Him, not in spite of Him. Thank you, God, for your mercy and patience during my learning curve in parenting our remarkable gift.

Update

Hi everyone, it's been so long since I've blogged-I'm kinda addicted to Facebook these days...
So many people recently have been asking about our adoption and I wanted to take the time to update you all on what's been going on with us. Prim's adoption was finalized in June!!! Praise God that it's finally over-well-almost. Next week when we head to San Diego for a wedding we'll be stopping at the Thai Embassy in LA to register the adoption and then. we. are. done. Really. Finished. Three years and finally we'll be completely finished. She's ours forever and ever. Amen to that, right?
There's a reason why I blogged less frequently so here is my big confession. Parenting this little girl has not been easy and because of that I hesitated to blog because of a fear of discouraging others who have taken an interest in our story. I felt that I couldn't write it and fake it and I couldn't really say what I was feeling because let's be honest-who wants to hear it? First, let me confess that this idea alone is just terribly self centered of me. I placed too much importance on myself and my experience and should have given everyone who has supported our family throughout the past few years much more credit. I really and truly thought that my struggles with Prim would discourage someone from wanting to adopt-especially a toddler-and figured that just not talking about it at all was easier. So...here I go. An update on our life:
The past year has been one of the most difficult of my life in so many ways. My decision to become a mother was never one that I took lightly. From the time I was a little girl I felt like I didn't know much about life but what I DID know was that God created me to be a mother. It was instinctive. It was natural and it was motivated by something inherently primal. When Hung and I married we (and by that I mean me) decided after a year or so to give it the old college try and see what happens...one year turned into three and at that point I began to get those first twinges of fear that something was wrong. After tests, invasive procedures and finally fertility treatments we conceived G into our fourth year of marriage. I'm not one to barter with God but in all honesty I begged for the experience of pregnancy if just one time. It happened and for that I will forever be grateful. G was and continues to be a sensitive, caring and loving little boy.
When we decided to grow our family we were overseas and the options for fertility were not available to us. Adoption was our only option, an option in which I had longed for but H resisted. One day in October of 2005 H came to me and said "let's do it!" and never looked back. I couldn't have been more surprised but his conviction was a clear indication to me that we were ready for another child and allowed God to be in the driver's seat once more. We knew that there was a child in the world that we could parent and who was meant to be ours. We were already parents to a three/almost four year old and already had the basic tools-how hard could it be?
Fast forward to before traveling to get Prim and I can tell you that the anticipation was nothing like that of having a child biologically. I was nervous and excited and could only hope for a miracle when we met our little girl. I knew that the transition would be so very difficult for her but I couldn't have been prepared for the grief and anguish she has experienced over the past year.
Coming home for us was to be able to breathe again. Thailand was great but it was emotional and exhausting and we needed to be on sure footing again to be able to start concentrating on piecing our family together. H was impatient with Prim and her tantrums, G was frustrated that he had to share mom and dad with a one-girl-wrecking-machine and I was left feeling empty from lack of sleep. I felt like I was holding our family together by a very thin invisible thread. On the outside we looked so happy and Prim looked so content. Everyone commented on how happy she seemed and how beautiful she is and how she seemed to thrive on our attention and all I could do was smile because what I really wanted to do was hide beneath my covers and cry. All I could think was that I had failed my daughter. I took her away from the only family she knew and in doing so caused her so much pain and heartache. The nights were endless. She resisted sleeping and would scream for hours. She temper tantrummed without ceasing and hit, slapped and defied all of our rules. Sure, we were consistent. But what had worked for G was not working for her and we were at a standstill. We saw a family therapist often to make sure we were using all of the necessary tools to help her adjust and still it seemed to go on. I doubted myself as a mother, H doubted himself as a father and in the beginning G resented his sister just for being there.
As the months went by and many things became easier as she began to see where she fit into our family, yet other aspects of our relationship became more difficult. Everything finally came to a head in May after having gone on a trip to Arizona for my cousin's wedding. It was our fist time staying in a hotel since being in Bangkok and on top of that she met my parents and many other relatives for the first time. I will NEVER forget the look of fear on Prim's face when we were in my parent's hotel room. It was time to leave and go to our own room and Prim instinctively thought that we were going to leave her with my parents. It brought back all of the fear and anxiety she had experienced after separating from her foster family and she cried and cried until finally falling asleep in my arms. She had been home for eight months and these feelings of insecurity and fear still lay below the surface for her. By the time my parents went home in the beginning of May, her nights were as bad if not worse as they had been when she first came home. She began slapping me across the face when I sent her to time out and lashing out physically when she didn't get her way. I felt like we had taken ten steps backwards. Prim is a very strong willed little girl and these complicated emotional issues only added to a personality that is demanding on a good day.
After some much needed counsel from friends that share our faith and values and humble prayer we decided to take a discipline route that did not come naturally to me. After witnessing the tantrums and the night time rages it became clear to H and I that this little girl needed clearer boundaries than what we had been giving her. At every turn she began to test us. Where we going to leave her? Would we go away? But most importantly-Would we still love her after the storm passed? She pushed and pushed and pushed and our job was to discipline her in love and hold her even longer after. It has taken some time but immediately I noticed a subtle change. She seemed more peaceful. She smiled easier, she laughed harder. She still pushed, but there was no longer anger behind it. Now I see that she is almost three and acting like it.
Today I told H on our way home from lunch that she finally seems happy to me. She has a peace in her eyes that gives me such joy and contentment. She takes one look at me and says "I love you, Mommy!" and is enthusiastic about her whole world. Every morning she asks about Daddy and wants to know where her brother is. We are finally her entire world and I finally feel like we've earned it.
I look into the face of my daughter and I see resilience that I do not have. She left everything she knew; language, country, food and family. She fought and grieved for a loss that could not be explained to her and somehow, someway she has learned to overcome. She has allowed us to love her and in doing so has made us better people and better parents. My daughter has a fire in her that I can not take credit for and after one year I finally know that that is okay. One day, when she is old enough, I hope that she will understand that the beginning of her life did shape her but will not define her. I pray that she grows to be a woman after God's own heart and an example to those who have experienced heartache.
I know for H and myself that as more time passes and we reflect on this first year we will realize the blessing that came with the storm. We will begin to understand that holding her tight through these times was our gift to her when we very easily could have let her go. It would have been so easy to emotionally walk away but we stayed the course and for that I am grateful. This past year I feel like we have fought the fight for our daughters heart and our reward is so generously reflected in her eyes and smile.
What a gift she is, this beautiful Thai girl. Adopting may not be for everyone but it was for us. It doesn't matter how our children came to us, they are ours and we are theirs. We are a forever family.

This blog post is dedicated to all of our friends and family who have supported and prayed for us throughout the past year.

Growing Together

It's been a while since my last post and I have so much to talk about. First, if you have emailed me asked how things are going and I haven't gotten back to you-please forgive me!! My email time these days is down to about ten minutes if I'm lucky. Thanks to everyone who continually check up on us to see how things are going.
And how are things? you may ask...I would say on a scale of 1 to 10 they are about a 7. After less than two months home I consider that a huge victory. Our night times still leave us scratching our heads. Maybe one night out of ten Prim sleeps quietly and soundly and then the rest of the time she is waking often with night terrors or wanting to be held. It's par for the course but we hope that she finds some peace soon. There are days when you can really tell the interrupted sleep gets to her and she is cranky and ornery.
Prim is really a social butterfly. We have not allowed anyone else to hold her-not even once-but she would probably welcome it. She loves people and to be around a group of people does not bother her one bit. She loves the activity and commotion and really makes herself at home where ever she goes. She is a whirlwind of activity and motion and most times I find myself spinning in circles to keep up with her.
Her and G are getting along much better and trying to find some common ground. He is being much more loving and helpful towards her and has really changed in his attitude. Not to say that it is all roses but the improvement has changed the energy in the house and H and I are extremely thankful for that!
There are some things that H and I still can't figure out and we are actively seeking an attachment therapist in our area. I think one of the hindrances of the adoption process is really not knowing your child from their early developmental stages. Sometimes Prim is very whiny and wants to be held at the worst times (she must have radar b/c she always wants to be held when I'm in the kitchen over a hot stove). I know you're probably thinking "ah, duh, you just brought her home!!" but sometimes I wonder if this is just her personality? We don't know. She can be manipulative just like any toddler but we always have to ask ourselves is this b/c of the transition or is it just a part of the process? Sometimes it feels like a disadvantage b/c with G we could say he's going through a phase or that's just the way he is right now. With Prim we're scratching our heads worrying if it's attachment issues or she's just being an almost two year old. Do you know how utterly guilty I feel when I have to tell her "honey, mommy can't hold you right now I'm cooking dinner" and she just cries and cries. It's really awful and I'm convinced she'll be telling this this to her therapist one day.....
G has learned to ride a two wheel bike so our family is in a new phase of out door enjoyment. We've all gotten bikes and are borrowing a trailer from a friend and I can't tell you how fun it is to go for family bike rides. We all look forward to them and it's so great to have one more thing we can do together. Prim loves to go in the bike trailer and there is nothing cuter than hearing her go "bonk, bonk, bonk" every time we go over a bump. She is really so adorable and sometimes we look at her and just laugh at her precocious nature!
My hubby is waiting for me to watch a movie so I must sign off. More coming this week hopefully...ta ta for now.

Sleep Deprivation

I can't believe it's been nine days since my last post. The days are flying by and are blurred together. Sleeplessness is the title of this new chapter in our lives as Prim is having night terrors (I'm almost positive)and I am having insomnia. Most nights I am down to two hours of sleep and maybe an hour nap during the day. Prim is doing great during the day, she is full of mischief and mayhem, looking for snacks to eat in the cupboard or flushing the toilet to her hearts content b/f mommy shows up to scold her with a firm "NO" and a tsk, tsk of my finger. I don't think I've said 'no' so many times in my life. This certainly was not how it went with G, but little miss finds herself in precarious situations and no amount of explaining is going to make her understand English any better so No will have to do for now.
It is only at night that she has such a hard time. The first few hours of sleep are peaceful but shortly after midnight it is quickly downhill and she is fitful and crying until the early hours of the morning. I'm not sure what to do. H and I spend most of the day trying to come up with a solution but this is new territory and we are at a loss. How can this little girl be so secure and happy during the day be so miserable at night? The miracle is that she wakes up with a huge smile on her face and is so happy to kiss good morning and start her day. Oblivious to her hours of sobbing or crying out.
I can only pray that in time she will find peace and that her nights will be filled with sweet dreams and deep slumber. I am off to try and sleep myself. Maybe tonight will be the night my head hits the pillow and I fall asleep. If not, Harry Potter and I are about to become acquainted.

To Whom it May Concern

Dear Mom & Dad
I am on strike. I will not be nice, I will not share and I will not under any circumstance pretend to like this little person that has invaded my space. Because I became a big brother under false pretenses, I do not feel like I have to live up to my end of obligatory brotherly responsibilities. Per our previous conversations you implied that life after my little sister would be fun and adventurous. I would like to refute these statements with facts of my own and demand retribution for my pain and suffering.
1. I do not have anyone to play with. She has taken over the house and wrecks everything she sees.
2. She wants only my special toys and breaks my legos and does not say 'sorry'.
3. She does not know anything about Star Wars and doesn't respond when I call her Princess Leah.
4. She hits me on the head with toys and I can not hit her back.
5. You say she's a baby but she runs as fast as me and is strong enough to push me down.
6. She does everything on purpose and is mean.
7. She is not my friend and I do not like her.
8. When I play with her toys and she takes them away she is always stealing from me.
9. I get in more trouble now and she gets more hugs.

I could go on but I think you understand my position. My demands are as follows and until they are met I will continue to be emotional, irrational and angry with the possibility for sudden out bursts.

1. She is to get older immediately and no longer be a baby.
2. She is to no longer look, touch, smell or come within 50 feet of my toys.
3. She is to allow me to play with her new toys whenever I want and watch me do so with a smile.
4. No longer hit me or push me over.
5. She is to no longer look at me unless I look at her first.

If these demands are not met I would like a refund on my sister. I know that you have gone to alot of trouble to bring her here but I'm sure once you explain to the sister fairy that she is imcompatible with my rules and likes, they will understand. I will kindly donate a portion of my piggy bank allowance for the next big brother's in-home-defense system (which I gather you skimped on for me).
You have 72 hours to comply with these demands. Until then, the strike remains at threat con delta and timeouts are not recognized as punishment.
Your Son, G

Resistance is Futile

I am Prim and I am being oppressed by an international triad. An Asian man whom I believe to be the leader, though I have doubts because the Puerto-Rican looking lady gives him a lot of orders and a little boy, who's pretty easy on the eyes. I am not sure what country they are from because the man and woman speak to each other in English, but the man and the boy speak to each other in French, and the man speaks under his breath about the lady in what I think is Vietnamese. When the little boy watches a show about a girl and her monkey friend, I thought I heard him say something in Spanish...I am soooo confused.
But I digress... I was able to steal a minute alone by making cute faces. Now they are scurrying for their precious cameras to take ransom photos of me. I am typing on this white machine that belongs to the woman which the man doesn't like because it's not a PC but something called a Mac. Today they took me to their embassy to get my legal documents so they could take me to their basecamp. After that, we went to the river and went on a boat ride. Apparently the man chose poorly, because he picked the slowest boat in the canal. I tried to flag down everyone I saw, but they just thought I was being cute and waved back. After what seemed like a eternity, we hit land and stopped at this hole in the wall where they tried to shove food down my throat. I was so excited when we got to the King's Palace because surely he would stop these people from showering me with love, but he wasn't home. Then it started thundering and lightning so we jumped in a taxi and sat in traffic for an hour and a half. The man left the taxi at the embassy and sent us to their hotel, but somehow when we finally got there, he was already there waiting. He must have teleporting abilities like the guy on the television show "Heroes".
They didn't want to risk having me escape like last night so they had food brought to the room. I tried to gross the woman out by dipping my french fries into her ketchup, licking it clean and putting the french fries back into the pile. But again I failed because they just thought I was simply adorable (which I am). Tonight, I'll fall asleep on the woman again, because she has nice built in pillows, whereas the man is uncomfortable because his chest is like finely chiseled stone and his arms are like twisted steel. I am starting to warm up to him though, because he's pretty nice and he makes me laugh. Tomorrow, they are taking me to this place called Hua Hin. Wish me luck.