Jillian Michaels: Body Image, Adoption and Controversy

I'm not a huge fan of The Biggest Loser.  Sure I've seen it.  Who hasn't watched in abject horror women in spandex pants and jog bras perched on a scale big enough to weigh an air craft carrier?

I think it's a bit exploitative myself-what reality show isn't-but if this is the motivation someone needs to save their life who am I to judge? Humiliation can be the great motivator.

In this mornings news I read a comment from one of the show's two fitness gurus, Jillian Michaels.  In a nutshell, she states that she does not want children biologically because she can't imagine putting her body through pregnancy and instead *wait for it* is going to adopt. And how did she put it??

Oh yes.

Because (and I quote) "Also, when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself."

Hmmm....

Oh dear where to begin. Well, let's dive right in to Ms. Michael's seemingly shallow remarks one by one shall we?

1)  As far as I know JM is not married so I'm assuming she's going to be another single celebrity jumping on the adoption bandwagon.  How stylish she'll be with her brand new trophy baby and flat abs!

2) Isn't her JOB to motivate men and women to be physically fit and lead a healthy lifestyle? Is she associating pregnancy with being unhealthy and *gasp* FAT?

3) Is her position that fitness and pregnancy can't go hand in hand? I mean, if her body were to change in appearance due to a pregnancy does she equate that to having less self worth? Because that is what girls do learn nowadays, Jillian, skinny = worthiness and overweight = laziness. 

Moving on.

4) Oh were to start with the adoption comment. Let's just say that I take offense at calling another human being a "something". You're not adopting a goldfish or a houseplant. They are children and they have no business being a part of rescuing you! You can't place that kind of responsibility on a child.

Oh my goodness. I realize how ugly I am being in this post and can't even find the right words to describe how selfish and out of touch with reality I think this woman is.  Adoption has been put on this holier than thou pedestal and it drives me crazy. We just wanted to be parents! Some of us are infertile, some of us just felt called to expand our families through adoption. Has the experience made us better people? Sure! Just like having a biological child, it changes you and I think I can say for myself-for the better.

So, Jillian, get over yourself and your wash board abs.  Maybe one day, when you find someone to love unconditionally you'll see that having a biological child is a natural extension of that love and commitment. If you chose to adopt, great, but do it for the right reasons. If you need rescuing turn to a God who will fill that void in your heart better than any child or workout.

'Sketchy' Is Not Synonymous for 'Acceptable'

Last weekend, in anticipation of our trip to DC, we headed to our local mall for summer clothes for the kiddos.  We ended up at Gymboree in hopes of finding a bargain -I can't buy anything there at retail price.  While in the store I ran into an older gentlemen who was carrying a beautiful dark skinned baby girl (I have adoption radar). Eventually the Daddy came over and took her from Grandpa and we struck up a conversation. I asked him where his daughter was from and he graciously replied that she was from the Congo.  She had been home two and a half months and was now six months old.  She was absolutely precious!

I expressed my surprise that adoption was allowed in the DRC.  I knew of only a few countries in Africa that allowed adoption and was happy to learn of another that was opening it's doors to the international community.  He was very open about their experience and went on to say that they chose the Congo because other countries they looked into did not allow adoptive parents to be on anti depressants. 

When I asked what agency they used, he emphatically refused to endorse them and although he didn't elaborate, he said that he wouldn't use this particular agency again because they were "sketchy".  He was quick to point out that his wife did all of the research and let the sentence die with the implication that he had nothing to do with that part of the process. This is where I am thankful for the openness of adoptive parents but instinctively uncomfortable in the turn the conversation has taken.  This isn't the first time I have talked with adoptive parents who have questioned the reputation of their adoption agency. That coupled with the fact that he threw his wife under the bus left me saying a quick good luck and goodbye.

In Monterey there was a family from our church who traveled to adopt their two children from Vietnam and sadly only came home with one child. The other baby's relinquishment was in question by the US government and they would not release a Visa until further investigation.  I had one conversation with the father as they waited for their daughter to be released and learned that they were allowed to adopt four month old babies biologically unrelated at the same time. He, too, was shaken to the core from the experience with their adoption agency. He would not endorse them and even considered legal action but at that time would not rock the boat until after their baby was finally allowed to come home.  He also told me that through the same agency this exact same scenario was playing out with a family living in a different state and the outcome for the second child did not look promising.  I learned that eventually the US released their daughter and she was able to come home but it still left me shaking my head.

The process of adoption can be precarious because of changing requirements,  extended wait times and unforeseeable paperwork snafuus. It's not a place for slippery slopes and questionable ethics.  For me, in adoption, the ends do not justify the means.  I wonder at what point during the process that little voice, that feeling in the pit of their stomach told these parents that something was off.  Do we begin to justify the circumstances to suite our needs? Do adoptive parents in questionable circumstances begin to ask questions like, when you consider the fact that these children are now in 'the system', does it matter how they got there to begin with? Don't they need a home regardless of the circumstances surrounding their relinquishment? Aren't we saving a child who needs a home?

I don't want to be judgmental. I don't want to imply these families did something wrong because I only know bits and pieces of their story. But in the wake of the Torry Hansen fiasco, when international adoption is front and center, I can't help but feel disbelief at the willingness of families who put time lines ahead of the well being of their future children.

To me it speaks to the now! now! now! society we have become.  I mean, who hasn't gotten frustrated waiting for the microwave to count down backwards from one minute? And don't even get me started about how long it takes to fast forward through a commercial on my DVR'd tv shows...

We are driven by instant gratification. Are you kidding me? Wait three years for an adoption to be finalized? can be a common attitude for the faint of heart.  It may suck three ways to Sunday but the process of adoption is a marathon not a sprint and cutting corners to satisfy personal desire should not be acceptable.

There is this pervasive attitude that we deserve what we want, when we want it. It overlaps and spills into our work lives, our homes lives. With the amazing advancement in technology and the rate at which information is exchanged it's unthinkable to wait more than a keystroke to find what we're looking or acquire goods and services.

I remember during the paperwork process H and I grumbling about the fact that we had to wait for forms through the mail. Have they lost their minds?  In this day and age we should have been able to send our dossier online! It was agonizing at times to WAIT for the process to move itself forward with nothing for us to do but be patient. And wait. And wait some more. If I had a dollar for the time we spent waiting for this paper to arrive and that form to be approved I would be one rich momma.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The ends do not justify the means in adoption because ultimately we are responsible for bringing a child into our family. If we don't stand up for ethical adoptions and walk away from "sketchy" agencies, than we have allowed the proliferation of baby buying and coerced relinquishments.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Knee Jerk Reaction

I am grieved to read that Russia is suspending adoptions to the United States in the wake of the firestorm created by  Torry Hansen.

I have spent days thinking about this situation and to no end can I see the logic, reason or justification for this mother placing her child on a plane back to his country of birth.  This is a mother-who had resources available to her through her adoption agency or social services-methodically purchased a one way ticket to Russia, packed her son's belongings, wrote a note relinquishing herself of the responsibility for his welfare and sent him on his way-alone.

Already speculation abounds in the media as to the procedural validity of international adoptions, this article going as far to describe it as a "cottage industry" and Americans the "leading importer of children" as if the desire to grow families is the equivalent of acquiring a new car or piece of furniture.

While everyone is busy casting blame and pointing fingers, there is only one person who can be held responsible for this tragic situation and that is the mother, Torry Hansen. Regardless of the circumstances, the emotional stability of the child, the alleged misinformation about her son from the orphanage or the desperate feelings that pushed her to act in this manner, she alone made the decision to abandon her son. 

Although I have so much to say about this story time will not allow it today so I will end with this. For all of the outrage that the Russian people and their government have expressed over the abandonment of this little boy, where is the outrage associated with the living conditions of institutionalized, homeless and orphaned children in their own backyard? Why do we not hear the screaming protests, the demands for justice for the almost 700,000 children currently living in substandard, cramped, government run facilities?

Thank you to the families all over the world willing to open their home and their hearts to a child in need.  Do not be discouraged by this, but know that God in His wisdom will use this for His glory and honor.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Gen 50:20

Justifiable Pornography

This was the magazine in the check-out line AT EYE LEVEL to my children at the commissary today. I was absolutely mortified. Call me prude, old fashioned, stuck in the 50's-I don't care. This was not what I wanted my seven year old son to be looking at as I hurriedly loaded groceries onto the conveyor belt.

How can we complain that women are objectified on a daily basis when we are raising our daughters to think that this is okay? I see this magazine cover and wonder why anyone questions how we came to this place where the female body MUST be sexualized to be appreciated. We allow our boys to be exposed to thousands upon thousands of television and print images that border on pornographic yet expect them to grow into men who will enter into healthy, monogamous relationships.

It is difficult to teach modesty is today's age. It will be even more difficult (but not impossible with God's guidance) to teach purity to my children when it is not revered by society. Instead we have Planned Parenthood fighting for the right to teach ten year old children that they are sexual beings:

"Young people's sexuality is still contentious for many religious institutions. Fundamentalist and other religious groups the — Catholic Church and madrasas (Islamic schools) for example — have imposed tremendous barriers that prevent young people, particularly, from obtaining information and services related to sex and reproduction. Currently, many religious teachings deny the pleasurable and positive aspects of sex and limited guidelines for sexual education often focus on abstinence before marriage…"

If you've ever watched The Duggar Family in '19 Kids and Counting' you may notice that they do not dance. I always wondered why and recently happened on a rerun where they answer viewers questions and this topic came up. The parents believe that dancing brings attention to the body and not the face so their family chooses not to do it. I thought about this for a while. The Bible mentions dancing on many occasions in ways of both praise and worship so why the fuss?? I know I'm getting off topic from the SI cover so I'll make my point quickly. What is dancing? Intimate, touching, gyrating, bouncing, enticing maybe unknowingly. I get it. I see why they choose to take an extra step in protecting their children's purity.

I know the world can't (and shouldn't) conform to me. But what I wish is that there was a return to decency. That this cover of a beautiful young women would be just as successful for her face and heart as it is for her breasts, hips and thighs. I wish my son didn't have to see something that may stir premature desire in him. He's only young for such a short period of time and in these times when kids are boyfriend and girlfriend in the first grade, and oral sex is happening in elementary school, I wish for him the opportunity of just being a child. I want to do it my way without the world's help.

Octuplets make 14

I'm sure everyone has read or heard about the California mother of six who just recently gave birth to eight babies as a result of IVF. The mother, Nadya Suleman, is a once-divorced single mother who at the age of thirty-three now has fourteen children. This morning she made her TV debut on NBC's Today show and talked to Ann Curry about her desire to have children and how she felt about her new octuplets. It seems that the media has been quick to vilify this woman and immediately called into question her right to have IVF on top of "already" having six other children.
I have opinions good and bad about this woman's decisions, yet realize that every argument-especially those that question her right to reproductive treatments-lead us down a very slippery slope of ethics, morality and personal responsibility and freedoms.

First let me say that by every account these eight children are a miracle. They are for the most part healthy and doing well and that in itself is just amazing. Our bodies were not created for the nurturing and birthing of eight children yet it was done and both mother and children are doing remarkably well despite the obvious risks that they faced at birth.

From what I have read I understand this woman has been on disability due to a back injury since 2002. She says that her work related injury kept her in near constant pain and was the primary reason for her divorce. So far she has collected $165,000 in disability payments but says that she "refuses to go on welfare" and currently lives with her mother.
There are so many questions to be answered in a case that has caused so much alarm. First it has to be stated that this woman has repeatedly admitted to wanting babies to fill a void that she had growing up without siblings and never getting to experience that attachment. She admitted to depression and after the birth of her first child says that it "helped her spirits". Her own mother has come out saying that she is-by most accounts-a pretty normal girl except for her "baby obsession" and does not understand her motivations for continuing to become pregnant via IVF. She now has fourteen children under the age of seven, without a father to help care for, provide and raise these children and it sounded like the mother was not sure if she would be able or willing to help her in the future. Also, how is it possible if she was in such constant pain that she didn't want her husband to have to live his life "dealing with her pain", that she though it was okay to bring all of these children in to her life? How is she going to physically (let's not even mention emotionally) care for all of these precious babies?
I think it is not unreasonable to ask the question of why so many embryos are allowed to be implanted at one time. Nadya Suleman said that in EACH of her IVF treatments that six embryos were implanted at one time including this past cycle that led to eight children. Having so many children at one time not only puts the mother's health at risk, but the lives of the unborn children are compromised as well. How in the world is she going to pay for all of these children? It seems like the State is going to end up subsidizing these children either through welfare or Medicaid as she is unemployed at the time. She plans on going back to school in the fall to finish her degree (Masters or PhD) to become a counselor to provide for her children. If you ask me that sounds a bit unrealistic for a single mother of 14 to continue with school when she doesn't even know the special needs of her new babies at this time.
How does she plan on caring for all of these children on her own? Just the feeding and diapering alone would be a challenge for a married couple and a core of volunteers but you're talking about a woman who is single, already has six YOUNG children and is living with the stigma of having done something wrong? I am curious to see how many people volunteer their services or if companies will be banging down her door to offer her free diapers or formula. For the sake of the children I hope so but you can see where the discouragement may come in to play.
How on this good earth did she afford all of her IVF treatments?! If there is an insurance out there that covers it then please, fill me in because my fertility treatment was not covered by our insurance. Did she use disability payments to fund her IVF. I have NEVER heard of anyone who has been able to afford so many cycles of IVF-ever.
This is a quote from the Today show:

“I'm providing myself to my children. I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally,” she told Curry. “Everything I do, I'll stop my life for them and be present with them. And hold them. And be with them. And how many parents do that? I'm sure there are many that do, but many don't. And that's unfortunate. That is selfish.”

Unfortunately, I find her statement to be naive and quite frankly she sounds like she's in denial. Being a parent is more than just being present for our children. It takes time, energy and an emotional investment on a daily basis for each and every child that we have. There is no way that any of these 14 children, 8 of them who are at the same level of development and need, can get the attention that they deserve from their mother. It's just not possible and it's incredibly sad.

I think that social services should have a hand in this matter immediately to make sure that neglect does not become an issue. She may not purposefully intend to do so and by all accounts she loves her children, but she can only do so much on her own and the protection and well being of those children must take a priority.

As a woman who has never been able to conceive on her own, I can understand and sympathize with the primal desire to have a child. It is a gift and the reason that our bodies were created so beautifully by God. However, I also believe that we begin making decisions for our children before becoming parents. Do you we wait until we are financially secure? Are we in a healthy place emotionally with ourselves and our marriages so that our children are a loving addition, not a stress, on our relationships? Can we commit the time and energy to the children that we have before adding more?

In closing let me just say that as parents it's no longer about what we want, desire or need. There are so many excellent mothers who would love to have more children but understand that what is best for their family is not always what their hearts desire. We may have a need to fill a gap or hole emotionally but our existing children have the RIGHT to parents who can be there for them in every capacity.

Inauguration

I literally have sat down three times to write something about President Obama and can not think of anything to say except....

Congratulations. I didn't vote for you but will respect the Office of the President.

Yep. That's about it.