It All Comes To This

Far Away From Here

Do you ever get a deep yearning to just be... away?  For quite some time I have settled into the same daydream.  A little house, lots of open space and the sound of the kids laughing.  In my daydream my belly is swollen with pregnancy and H is beside me on a creaking porch swing.  It is quiet in all of the right ways.  Nature makes it's noises and we spend our evenings quietly enjoying what God has made.

I think I may be entering a new season in my life.  I crave simple.  I long for quiet.  I think much of it has to do with H being gone.  I am starting to realize that I have spent too much of my marriage apart from my husband.  I want to know what it is to be with him, not without.  The kids are growing so fast-I can't seem to remember little things about them when they were babies.  The other day I wrangled with the cloudy memory of when G took his first steps and I hated that I couldn't remember clearly that precious moment. 

Prim came home at twenty one months and just recently I realized how small she was.  I feel like I missed so much of her toddler time because it was so deeply emotional and exhausting for us all.  I wish for her that I had been able to carry her as an infant.  As an adoptive mom I feel like I missed so much-that I should have had the joy of her first tooth and her first steps. 

Maybe what I need is to feel shut away for a while with all of us together again.  The time is slipping, slipping away so quickly and soon they will be stretching their wings to find their own way. 

On My Mind

How is it possible that praying can be so utterly disappointing?

Today is my Honey's 39th birthday and we are apart-again...

Why do they call it a "cluster" class for gifted and talented when all it is is a regular 2nd grade class visited by the G&T resource teacher once a week. Great.  They can be gifted and talented. Once a week.

How God can be described with words that are not applicable to ourselves such as unconditional, faithful, omniscient, merciful.

Why do I procrastinate? Really. Why? Even I think it's painful.

I am so thankful for good friends. What would I do without you guys?

Why can't hair extensions be cheaper? I really want long, thick luscious movie star hair.

Wordless Weekend: Missing You

If Only Life Were This Easy

Bed Time Struggles

I am having a wits end moment. Right this second my daughter is screaming at the tippy top of her lungs "MOMMY! MOMMY!" over and over again.  She is so angry that I sent her right back to bed after getting up to tell me that she had a "nightmare".  She had yet to fall asleep and already there are a million and one excuses for why she can not go to bed.  This happens each and every night and I am done.

These are the moments when I find myself biting the inside of my cheek for fear of saying something angry and loud.  I feel almost nailed to the ground fearful of how to approach her because in my mind this is always a pivotal moment. The moment that she will remember for always.  The moment that made her stay fearful.  The memory of my angry and frustrated face.  Flash backs of a mom that didn't comfort her when she needed it.

For me this is-so far-the hardest parted of being an adoptive parent; knowing when behavior is trauma related or when it's the stubbornness of a four year old. 

.......G just came down stairs.  The screaming is keeping him up, even when I put him in my bed.  We held hands and prayed that God would calm her heart and help me to have patience. 

........In the middle of a scream there was complete silence. I gave it a minute, almost worried that something had happened. I peeked into her room and she is asleep, passed out from exhaustion.

She was over tired and now I feel like I was too harsh with her.  Some days I can't tell what she needs and I wonder, selfishly, how much more I can possibly give her.

G did not feel like he had to manipulate me for my attention and affection and Prim does.  Even after almost three years.  Even after the hugs, the kisses, the love, there is  a part of her that is still scared and it makes me feel so very sad. 

Not for me, but for her.

Sometimes my head gets it and my heart doesn't.  

Wordless Weekend

Things I Love For Summer

1.  Personalized Keepsakes from Heart on Your Wrist

2.  Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer in Caramel

3.  Kiehl's "Oil Free" Moisturizer

4.  SOLE Women Sport Flip Flops

5.  Bare Minerals SPF 30 Natural Sunscreen in Medium

6.  The Outsiders by Need to Breathe

7.  The Passage by Justin Cronin

8.  A Brazilian Blowout

9.  Lands End Valleta Bandeau Swim Top in Black

10. Doodle Jump

Prayer Request

If you are a prayer warrior than please head over to Adrienne's blog and take a moment to pray for their TINY miracle baby Bennett.  Jesus said "All things are possible for him who believes".  Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers!

Traveling

Our summer travels have unfortunately left me unable to write as often as I like.  But, God is good and things are brewing in my mind for something big. Something I fear but want to do anyway, regardless if I fail.  In a week or so I will be home and focused, falling into a summer routine with the kids.  We are making our way through this time without Daddy.  His absense is felt with such intensity at times that it's all we can do to get through the day. 
Please keep checking in and I will be posting more summer pictures soon.  These kids are growing right along with the weeds. Bigger and stronger even though I wish for them to stay my sweet little angels.  I can't seem to stop them from growing and every day H misses how big they are getting.
I hope you are all finding some fun and creative moments despite the heat.  How are your angels adjusting these days?