Update

Hi everyone, it's been so long since I've blogged-I'm kinda addicted to Facebook these days...
So many people recently have been asking about our adoption and I wanted to take the time to update you all on what's been going on with us. Prim's adoption was finalized in June!!! Praise God that it's finally over-well-almost. Next week when we head to San Diego for a wedding we'll be stopping at the Thai Embassy in LA to register the adoption and then. we. are. done. Really. Finished. Three years and finally we'll be completely finished. She's ours forever and ever. Amen to that, right?
There's a reason why I blogged less frequently so here is my big confession. Parenting this little girl has not been easy and because of that I hesitated to blog because of a fear of discouraging others who have taken an interest in our story. I felt that I couldn't write it and fake it and I couldn't really say what I was feeling because let's be honest-who wants to hear it? First, let me confess that this idea alone is just terribly self centered of me. I placed too much importance on myself and my experience and should have given everyone who has supported our family throughout the past few years much more credit. I really and truly thought that my struggles with Prim would discourage someone from wanting to adopt-especially a toddler-and figured that just not talking about it at all was easier. So...here I go. An update on our life:
The past year has been one of the most difficult of my life in so many ways. My decision to become a mother was never one that I took lightly. From the time I was a little girl I felt like I didn't know much about life but what I DID know was that God created me to be a mother. It was instinctive. It was natural and it was motivated by something inherently primal. When Hung and I married we (and by that I mean me) decided after a year or so to give it the old college try and see what happens...one year turned into three and at that point I began to get those first twinges of fear that something was wrong. After tests, invasive procedures and finally fertility treatments we conceived G into our fourth year of marriage. I'm not one to barter with God but in all honesty I begged for the experience of pregnancy if just one time. It happened and for that I will forever be grateful. G was and continues to be a sensitive, caring and loving little boy.
When we decided to grow our family we were overseas and the options for fertility were not available to us. Adoption was our only option, an option in which I had longed for but H resisted. One day in October of 2005 H came to me and said "let's do it!" and never looked back. I couldn't have been more surprised but his conviction was a clear indication to me that we were ready for another child and allowed God to be in the driver's seat once more. We knew that there was a child in the world that we could parent and who was meant to be ours. We were already parents to a three/almost four year old and already had the basic tools-how hard could it be?
Fast forward to before traveling to get Prim and I can tell you that the anticipation was nothing like that of having a child biologically. I was nervous and excited and could only hope for a miracle when we met our little girl. I knew that the transition would be so very difficult for her but I couldn't have been prepared for the grief and anguish she has experienced over the past year.
Coming home for us was to be able to breathe again. Thailand was great but it was emotional and exhausting and we needed to be on sure footing again to be able to start concentrating on piecing our family together. H was impatient with Prim and her tantrums, G was frustrated that he had to share mom and dad with a one-girl-wrecking-machine and I was left feeling empty from lack of sleep. I felt like I was holding our family together by a very thin invisible thread. On the outside we looked so happy and Prim looked so content. Everyone commented on how happy she seemed and how beautiful she is and how she seemed to thrive on our attention and all I could do was smile because what I really wanted to do was hide beneath my covers and cry. All I could think was that I had failed my daughter. I took her away from the only family she knew and in doing so caused her so much pain and heartache. The nights were endless. She resisted sleeping and would scream for hours. She temper tantrummed without ceasing and hit, slapped and defied all of our rules. Sure, we were consistent. But what had worked for G was not working for her and we were at a standstill. We saw a family therapist often to make sure we were using all of the necessary tools to help her adjust and still it seemed to go on. I doubted myself as a mother, H doubted himself as a father and in the beginning G resented his sister just for being there.
As the months went by and many things became easier as she began to see where she fit into our family, yet other aspects of our relationship became more difficult. Everything finally came to a head in May after having gone on a trip to Arizona for my cousin's wedding. It was our fist time staying in a hotel since being in Bangkok and on top of that she met my parents and many other relatives for the first time. I will NEVER forget the look of fear on Prim's face when we were in my parent's hotel room. It was time to leave and go to our own room and Prim instinctively thought that we were going to leave her with my parents. It brought back all of the fear and anxiety she had experienced after separating from her foster family and she cried and cried until finally falling asleep in my arms. She had been home for eight months and these feelings of insecurity and fear still lay below the surface for her. By the time my parents went home in the beginning of May, her nights were as bad if not worse as they had been when she first came home. She began slapping me across the face when I sent her to time out and lashing out physically when she didn't get her way. I felt like we had taken ten steps backwards. Prim is a very strong willed little girl and these complicated emotional issues only added to a personality that is demanding on a good day.
After some much needed counsel from friends that share our faith and values and humble prayer we decided to take a discipline route that did not come naturally to me. After witnessing the tantrums and the night time rages it became clear to H and I that this little girl needed clearer boundaries than what we had been giving her. At every turn she began to test us. Where we going to leave her? Would we go away? But most importantly-Would we still love her after the storm passed? She pushed and pushed and pushed and our job was to discipline her in love and hold her even longer after. It has taken some time but immediately I noticed a subtle change. She seemed more peaceful. She smiled easier, she laughed harder. She still pushed, but there was no longer anger behind it. Now I see that she is almost three and acting like it.
Today I told H on our way home from lunch that she finally seems happy to me. She has a peace in her eyes that gives me such joy and contentment. She takes one look at me and says "I love you, Mommy!" and is enthusiastic about her whole world. Every morning she asks about Daddy and wants to know where her brother is. We are finally her entire world and I finally feel like we've earned it.
I look into the face of my daughter and I see resilience that I do not have. She left everything she knew; language, country, food and family. She fought and grieved for a loss that could not be explained to her and somehow, someway she has learned to overcome. She has allowed us to love her and in doing so has made us better people and better parents. My daughter has a fire in her that I can not take credit for and after one year I finally know that that is okay. One day, when she is old enough, I hope that she will understand that the beginning of her life did shape her but will not define her. I pray that she grows to be a woman after God's own heart and an example to those who have experienced heartache.
I know for H and myself that as more time passes and we reflect on this first year we will realize the blessing that came with the storm. We will begin to understand that holding her tight through these times was our gift to her when we very easily could have let her go. It would have been so easy to emotionally walk away but we stayed the course and for that I am grateful. This past year I feel like we have fought the fight for our daughters heart and our reward is so generously reflected in her eyes and smile.
What a gift she is, this beautiful Thai girl. Adopting may not be for everyone but it was for us. It doesn't matter how our children came to us, they are ours and we are theirs. We are a forever family.

This blog post is dedicated to all of our friends and family who have supported and prayed for us throughout the past year.

Update

Just a quick update-it's been forever! We are awaiting our final paperwork from Thaialnd so we can go to family court here and make the adoption final! We will very excited to have this process finished. The past month has been a whirlwind. My parents flew to AZ where we met up for my cousin's wedding. It was so good to see them and have them meet Prim for the first time. She also got to meet alot of extended family as well. My parents drove home with us and spent another week and a half with us. My kids had a blast with their grandparents. I'm including some pictures of our trip together!

Six Months in Love

I can't believe that six months have passed since Prim has been home. It's been an extraordinary journey so far with a little girl who has come to claim my heart with her beautiful smiles and strong spirit. We have gone from no sleep and frustration to sleeping through most of the night in her own bed while sharing a room with G. She is still a huge mamma's girl and you can often find her in the throws of temper tantrums when daddy takes her up for bath time and mommy stays downstairs. She LOVES life. Her laugh is infectious and she has the manners of a 10 year old. Every night when we've sat down for dinner and started eating she says "thank you mommy" for her food. It's so great and so very sweet. G has blossomed into a big brother that anyone would love to have. Don't get me wrong-they argue and whine and tattle but G is the first to take Prim's hand and guide her. They play crazy made-up games that involve the pillows and covers from my bed and lots of stuffed animals. They jump on their new trampoline for hours and have learned to make each other "pop" up high by one sitting down and the other jumping as high as they can and landing on their bottom.
I can't believe how the time has flown, especially because it felt like we would never get here. I remember how apprehensive I was to be bringing a toddler home and now I am so thankful how close G & Prim are in age. God's hand was on every part of this chapter in our lives and I know He will continue to guide us as we go forward.

Christmas Time is Here

I've posted some new pics of the kids in their Christmas best! Things here are going very well-each day gets better and better. Now that Prim is beginning to sleep more at night there is a feeling of relief for H and myself. We hope that she is finally beginning to learn to fall asleep on her own-it's been hard for her but she's doing great.
Getting ready for Christmas has been so fun. She doesn't have any idea what is going on but loves doing the little things like turning on the Christmas tree by herelf (it's a button instead of a plug to turn it on) and doing Advent readings together. G is so excited and did a great job of picking out little sisters Christmas present:)
Right now H's parents are here visiting for ten days-it's been a great opportunity to share our adoption experience with them and they have taken to her with enthusiasm and adoration.
I want to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. What a year it has been for so many of us...

Oh Christmas Tree

This year is extra special as Prim celebrates her very first Christmas! Besides the very fun activities of decorating the christmas tree (the kids got their very own this year!) and putting up lights around the house, this year a new story begins for our daughter. The story of Christ and his birth. As the season of Advent begins, I hope to take time each day to teach the kids the love of God and his gift to us through the birth of his son, Jesus. It is a privalege to be able to share this with Prim and lay the foundation of faith in these early days. G has such a heart for God and I hope that this translates with his sister as well. I don't think there is any greater gift I could give them every year.

2 Years Old!!!

I can't believe my little girl is two years old!! We had a big party for her and had a great time. She loved the Elmo theme and was so excited about her cake and HUGE Elmo balloon!

Writing for Peanuts

So writing has always been a love of mine and I often dream of publishing one day in the far, far future. After lots of encouragement I've decided to start in the public forum and write for the website www.eHow.com. It's a public site where anyone from novices (me!) to professionals can write simple articles on anything "How To". The bonus to this is that it's a great way for me to JUST WRITE. It's not very creative but hopefully will get me into the habit of writing a few times a week. The other thing is that you can earn money depending on how often your article is read and how popular it is. This is my shameless way of telling you to ready my stuff!! Leave feedback and comments, I'd love to hear from you!
I will probably focus on parenting/adoption issues in the hopes that it will actually help someone in cyberworld. My member name is "AprilinParis" so you can look me up that way or search for the two articles I've already written on "How to Encourage a Strong Sibling Relationship" or "How to help Children memorize Bible Verses".

My little girl is turning two in just four short days. I can't believe it and am just amazed by how quickly time has gone by. Things here are good. Prim has a bit of an ear infection so is on antibiotics for the second time since being home. She delights in being in public or with a large group of people and is the least satisfied just being at home. Often times I struggle with frustration-she is incredibly strong willed and cries often. On the flip side her smile lights up the room and I delight in having a daughter. Ahhh, life with a toddler:) I will post pics of her birthday sometime next week. I am going to bake an Elmo cake!! Wish me luck!

PS-A family in our church and who is a military family in our neighborhood (just like us!) is going through a difficult time since returning home with their one daughter from Vietnam having to leave another behind. Please read their website!
http://www.bringedenhome.com/

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...

Happy Halloween! We had a GREAT night at our church's Trunk or Treat!!! Here are a few pics of our little kitty and Annakin Skywalker.

Pumpkin Patch

I can't believe it's been forever since I've posted. No one told me that life with two is a different kind of crazy! Prim is thriving and doing great. The appointment with the family therapist was nothing short of wonderful and it was just a relief to have a professional opinion and guidance on Prim's sleep issues. She guided us in our attachment process and it sounds like so far we are right on track. She even encouraged us to start leaving her for small amounts of time with friends that we are very close to. Last week for bible study we left her for one hour and she was awesome! She was great when we left and ran to give me a big hug when we came back. We'll only leave her with our one set of friends whom our kids call aunt and uncle (they are godparents to our kids) and she knows them very well. We spend most days together.
Prim is just a very social little girl. She likes to see and meet new people and is one of those kids who will probably love school. Maybe next year for preschool?? Her and G are doing great together and he is really taking on the role of big brother. He plays with her much more than he was after coming home and they love to wrestle together! We had our first home visit since being home which went very well. I love our social worker. She's so sweet and seemed to think that Prim has made herself right at home here. You should hear this girl talk!!! She is talking more than some 2 year olds I know. I am so impressed by her language skills and how quickly she is coming along, especially because she is learning both french and english at the same time. it's so cute b/c she'll say "i love you" and "hot" or "goodbye" to H in french. She is a really, really bright girl. It blows my mind a bit how intelligent she is and sometimes that makes life a bit harder for both of us. She catches on so quickly can manipulate a situation if we're not paying attention.
I hope all of the new babies home from Thailand are doing well. It's so exciting to read about the families that have traveled after us and see how well they are doing. I've been thinking of you all!!

Dedication

We were so thrilled to have Prim dedicated a few weeks ago and wanted to share the pics of her in her pretty white dress (thanks Grandma!!).
Things here are going great during the day, somewhat crazy still at night. We have an apt with a family therapist tomorrow to hopefully try and get a better handle on some sleep issues and see if we are doing everything we can to promote positive attachment. At this point the sleep issues have gotten worse, not better, and it would be nice to have a professional give us some tips on parenting our little one. We haven't met this therapist but she is experienced in adoption and attachment. I'm actaully really looking forward to the appointment. I'll let you know how it goes!