Amazing Grace

Faith Deployed: Expect the Unexpected

2011-03-15T21:12:00.000-04:00

Please join me at Faith Deployed as I share how you just can't contain the awesome God of the universe!

Guest Post

2011-02-25T20:56:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Jen for asking me to guest post over at Team Chase! It was a pleasure to share our journey of adopting a waiting child.

Please follow this link to read my post but don't stop there! Read their amazing journey towards adoption from Ethiopia.

Join Me At Faith Deployed

2011-02-10T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm over at Faith Deployed today sharing how spiritual fitness is so much more important than physical fitness.

Book Release Aug 2011

2011-02-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

I'm thrilled to announce that the book I was a part of, Faith Deployed...Again, will be published by Moody Publishing this August in time for the 10th anniversary of September 11th. Please check out the link for more information and a list of contributing authors! I know this is going to be a wonderful encouragement for military families!

Wordless Weekend

2011-01-29T15:47:00.000-05:00

She Knows She's Different

2011-01-25T16:57:00.001-05:00

It wasn't too long ago that Prim sat on my lap, crying so sadly and with such depth that I couldn't help but cry right along with her. She said to me, "I missed you when I was a baby", and in that moment I got that she understood her life has been different. I can not deny that things are going to be different for her. I can not pretend away her hurt and grief that still lurks in her five year old mind. Her adoption and the subsequent trauma of abandonment are imprinted on her soul. The only question is what she's going to do with what she's been given.
I can see now that she is working through some things. She is trying to be this independent little girl while still clinging to the parents she hopes won't abandon her. Even after all of this time, somewhere deep down, she doesn't believe she will wake up in the morning and we will still be here. And I don't blame her.
Adoption is hard. But not because it's hard for me. It's because my daughter hurts. Everything changed for her. She had to fit into our world and there are days I watch her play and smile and wonder who she would be if she were still thousands of miles away surrounded by what was always familiar.
There is nothing more difficult as a mother to watch your child suffer and suffer she certainly has. I pray that God watches over my sweet girl. That He stands in the gap on the days when I don't know what to do or how to do it. That He becomes Love for her that is fulfilling and complete in every way. I pray that He gives me the wisdom to do right by her and show her compassionate and patience. I hope she can feel how much I love her, how much I care for her and who she is. Because she deserves everything this world has to offer.

Book Review: Sacred Marriage

2011-01-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

Join me at Wives in Bloom as I review my FAVORITE book on marriage!

The Book

2011-01-13T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'm so thrilled to finally be able to announce that I will be part of Jocelyn Green's new book, "Faith Deployed Again" due out this August!! I was so blessed to be a part of this collaborative effort with such talented women and loved every part of the process. Thanks to Jocelyn for the amazing opportunity! If you or someone you know is a military spouse or family member looking for encouragement then please look for the book this summer!

A huge thanks to my husband who came home from deployment just in time for me to start this project and afforded me the time and energy to meet my deadline! And thanks to my family and friends who encouraged and prayed for me this past six weeks!

God's Word For Marriage

2011-01-04T08:18:00.000-05:00

Join me at Faith Deployed today to read my post on God's words of encouragement for marriage.

Wordless Weekend: Taking a Moment to Laugh

2011-01-02T13:10:00.000-05:00

A Post on Regression

2010-12-30T19:36:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how life can change in a moment. I should be downstairs, enjoying these last few days of winter vacation with my husband. Instead, I write this from Prim's bed; still disbelieving that we have regressed three years. Last week she watched a movie that scared her and we are now back to the first year of her being home. She can't go into another room by herself and bedtime is a nightmare if one of us doesn't lay down with her. She is whiny, demanding and irrational and H and I are frusrated in return. I have to be honest. I don't get it. On a mature, thoughtful, educated level I understand. I get that abandonment issues do not go away. I know that we will face adoption related emotions for years to come and then some. And I also understand that in my frustration and yes, resentment, that I am making this about me and not her. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how else to show her that she is safe. I don't know how to not feel angry when I just need to sit with my husband after a long day and enjoy him finally being home. I remember how I used to cringe at the smallest noise, praying that she hadn't woken up after taking hours for her to fall asleep. And now we're back. The worst part is that I don't know how to help my daughter. It's like watching three years of love and patience slip down the drain.

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Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

2010-12-25T13:22:00.001-05:00

Join Me At Wives in Bloom

2010-12-21T10:38:00.002-05:00

If you need a little Christmas encouragement please join me at Wives in Bloom today!

What One Baby Did

2010-12-07T20:55:00.000-05:00

Wordless Weekend: Advent

2010-12-05T20:20:00.000-05:00

A Repost at Grown in My Heart

2010-12-01T17:06:00.000-05:00

Follow me here at GIMH for a recent post in honor of national adoption month. While I received some scathing comments in response to my post, I couldn't be more proud of our family and honored to be raising such a special little girl.

What Thankful Looks Like

2010-11-25T09:48:00.000-05:00

On Strike For Love

2010-11-22T08:38:00.000-05:00

Please join me at Wives in Bloom today! I wrote this article just days before H returned home from deployment!

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and prayers for our family's reunion-it has been an amazing four days!

Together Again

2010-11-18T16:58:00.001-05:00

Thank you to everyone who prayed for H's safe return. I can't describe what it feels like to have him home again but I hope these pictures speak for themselves. I'm taking a few blogging days off so check back in next week!

Give Away Winner!!

2010-11-16T08:27:00.001-05:00

Congratulations to Jennifer Bartlett over at Living for Today, Dreaming About Tomorrow, for winning Battlefields & Blessings by Jocelyn Green!

Thanks to everyone who had such heartwarming words for our men and women in service and participating in my first giveaway!

Wordless Weekend: In Honor Of Those Who Serve: A Three Hour Salute

2010-11-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

It's A Veteran's Day Giveaway!

2010-11-10T12:05:00.000-05:00

I had the privilege of being asked to review a compelling book, Battlefields & Blessings, by award winning author Jocelyn Green. At the end of this review you will have the opportunity to win this heartwarming book-just by leaving a comment in honor of Veteran's Day!

Having a spouse currently serving in Iraq, I wanted to give this book an objective review without being overly emotional about the content. To be honest I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but the subtitle, Stories of Faith and Courage from the war in Iraq & Afghanistan, encouraged me that this was not just another book documenting the atrocities of war. That an account had been taken of miracles and blessings on the battlefields raging simultaneously in the desserts of Iraq and rugged mountains of war torn Afghanistan.

What first struck me was the unexpected layout of Battlefields and Blessings. It begins January 1 and continues through December 31. Three hundred and sixty-five days of devotions or three hundred and sixty-five stories to be read back to back. I did the latter and got carried away as I poured into the intense stories represented by each branch of the military, gender and nationality. These submissions are told from the perspective of mothers, spouses, chaplains and civilians. The scope of experiences is broad yet specific to the individual, giving the reader an intimate look into what could have been the worst day in the life of a soldier, sailor, marine or airmen.

Battlefield and Blessings touches on the foremost issues surrounding active duty military and reservists serving in war. There is no sugar coating the effect of PTSD, stress, trauma and separation from loved ones. And there is no shame in the fear felt in the midst of danger or the grief shown after a friend is killed. What is written on these pages is testimonies in hope and faith. There are no shortages of miraculous moments in which God is so clearly present, when He guided and carried His children into the unknown. They are stories of redemption and grace, courage and fortitude, sometimes beyond our comprehension.

What I loved most about this book is the raw emotion with which these stories are narrated. War is ugly, it is difficult and it has the capacity to destroy even without taking a single life. Seeing the hope that God inspires out of chaos is a genuine reflection of the author's intent; to witness and share the incredible redeeming love and mercy of God. To honor those who sacrificed it all for love of country and duty.

I will be giving away a signed copy of this book! Starting today, please leave a comment in honor of Veteran's Day-whether it is to share a personal story, words of encouragement for our men and women serving today or for those who have served so valiantly in prior wars. Please make sure to leave an email address so that you can be contacted in the event you win! Also, if you share this post in a link on your blog please let me know and you will be entered twice!! The winner will be mailed their signed copy of Battlefields and Blessings next week, comments can be made until this Sunday, November 12th.

Faith Deployed: A Post on Creating Intimacy

2010-11-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday all! Please join me over at Faith Deployed today as I talk about simple ways to create intimacy during separation.

This doesn't just apply to deployments, but for spouses who have careers that take them away from family for any period of time.

Adoption Fundraiser

2010-11-02T19:59:00.000-04:00

Hello friends!

I saw this adoption fundraiser opportunity and thought I would pass it along!

BFF's

2010-11-01T08:26:00.001-04:00

A Typical Conversation

2010-10-28T18:56:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately for me this is the kind of conversation that comes up on a very regular (much too regular!) basis:

Gabe: I love boysenberry syrup!

Me: Me too and that's the exact same kind I ate when I was a little girl!.

Gabe (a bit too startled): Wait a minute, diiiiiiid you have stoves back then?

Me: Yes, believe it or not we had stoves all the way back then.

Gabe: No mommy. What I'm trying to say is did you have tv with ACTUAL different channels?

This is like the time, not too long ago, when he asked me if I was born when pencils had been invented.

When does this kid think I was born? 1877?

Learning To Say Thank You!

2010-10-25T14:05:00.000-04:00

Stop by Wives in Bloom and read my article on choosing to say two very simple words!

Wordless Weekend: A Few Inches Off The Top

2010-10-24T16:51:00.000-04:00

She's Growing Up Without My Permission

2010-10-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

Preschool Picture Day

She even knew to cross her hands over her lap! Such a little lady!

Harvesting the Soul: A Faith Deployed Article

2010-10-18T15:46:00.000-04:00

Join me over here today at Faith Deployed to read what's going on with me as I anticipate H's homecoming....

Wordless Weekend: Fall

2010-10-17T20:22:00.000-04:00

Wordless Weekend: Some Days...

2010-10-15T22:12:00.000-04:00

A Television Show That I Can Not Stand!

2010-10-14T16:11:00.000-04:00

10 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN WATCH "THE VIEW"

1. Bite the inside of my cheek in the exact same spot over and over again

2. Inhale black pepper (through both nostrils)

3. Read Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol" five times in a row without skipping pages (or throwing it across the room in frustration)

4. Watch every single rerun of Jon & Kate Plus 8 in one sitting

5. Stub my toe on the dog's most spiky-from-being-chewed dog toy in my bare feet. While running.

6. Listen to the song "Puff The Magic Dragon" until my ears bleed

7. Squeeze into a size 8 pair of jeans and walk around shaking my booty and flaunting my muffin top like it's hot

8. Wax off a part of my eyebrow right smack dab in the middle and have to shade it in for the next three months (I've done it-it's embarrassing)

9. Let my dog lick me in the mouth. On purpose. Without rinsing.

10. Put an I ♥ Barack Obama sticker on my car for 48 hours.....just kidding. That would never happen. "The View" would win.

Deployments Stink

2010-10-12T22:11:00.001-04:00

Homecoming is approaching but not fast enough for two little ones who miss their daddy. Tonight at bedtime we prayed for the first wave of daddies who are coming home (very) soon and asked God to bless their reunions with their families. When I opened my eyes I was looking at a very sad little boy. Tears streaming down his face as he so bravely tried to get through our prayer without making a sound until he couldn't hold it in anymore. It doesn't seem fair that he has to wait an extra month to hug his daddy while other kids do not and he is angry.
It's not fair. None of it. Not that they have to be without their father. Not that it's for so long and so far away. Not that we live in a world where men have to stand watch with a gun. I can wipe away the tears but there will be more to replace them tomorrow. There is only one person that can take them away and he is not here.
I am praying that the time goes by quickly. That before we know it H will be home and we will be together again. Because watching them cry breaks my heart into a million little pieces.

Wordless Weekend

2010-10-09T11:05:00.000-04:00

Should Military Families Adopt?: Part 3

2010-10-08T09:11:00.001-04:00

While H was preparing to deploy January of last year I won't deny that I had a few moments of panic. We had spent the past year and a half assuring Prim that we were, in fact, here to stay. That nighttime was not scary because we were all still together when the lights were out and that we would love her even when she fought us as if her life depended on it.

We were just beginning to see who she was beyond the hurt and fear when H left for Iraq and I was afraid that her smile would fade in the wake of her father's absence. Explaining to a three year old that Daddy is going on a long trip is pretty much the equivalent of telling her he'll be home tomorrow. She had no concept of time, no internal calendar to help mark the days gone by, so after the first week, when she was asking for Daddy to come back and I couldn't explain any better that the deployment was seven months long, we both wept. I felt guilty for causing her unnecessary pain, for putting her through what I had promised so casually would never happen again. I had a moment of thinking "what had we done?". Did we really think her soul could survive the constant separation? Was a military lifestyle okay for a child who had suffered the trauma of abandonment not once but twice?

That first week, when we held each other and wept, I silently pulled out the daddy doll I had been saving for a moment when I knew she would need to see his face. I put the puffy pillow-like doll with Daddy's smiling face in between us and wrapped her arms around it. Reminding her that Daddy still loved her. That even though he was miles away he was still in her heart. That he was coming back. That we would be with her always. That the distance did not mean he was gone for good, just gone for now. I'll never forget the look of surprise on her face when she saw her new doll. How wide her eyes got at the small version of him in front of her. She very quietly said, "Oh daddy. I've missed you so much" as she lovingly stroked his face and cried.

Later that night I cried for her, for us. It was so hard but seeing her sadness gave me hope that some of the anger she had been holding on to was melting away. That her tears could be wiped away and replaced with a smile. Over the next seven months she went through an adjustment process, working out her feelings in many ways. Sleep issues resurfaced with a vengeance, no place was close enough to me and it was exhausting. But she did it! She smiled and laughed and played. She went to preschool and made friends and learned to manage her feelings as she continued to mature. She realized that our family was still a family no matter where we were in the world. She laughed at daddy on the computer when we had an opportunity to Skype and loved babbling about everything on the phone when he called.

When H returned from deployment last August it was such a sweet homecoming for the kids. Prim jumped into his arms with abandon and shouted over and over again "I missed you Daddy!". She was surprisingly content and the adjustment for her was minimal in the following weeks. I was so proud of her, so thankful for her peaceful heart.

We moved twice in nine weeks after H's return. Talk about confusing, especially for our little girl. But we did it with a smile, made our moving a crazy adventure and drove across country to Virginia where we knew another deployment awaited us. Somewhere in the next few months my daughter became confident, assured in her position in the family. She went into a new preschool (again) making friends easily and being an enthusiastic student. She asked often if we were moving again and we would laugh and say "not for a while" at which she would laugh as well.

And then, Daddy deployed again this past April and the goodbyes and I'll be coming backs started all over again. It was incredibly sad but the past seven months had made a big difference in her development and the previous deployment was still fresh in their minds. We settled into a routine, talking often about missing daddy but concentrating on school work, activities, family and friends. This time she talks about what we'll do when Daddy comes home and I smile because she sees herself in the future with us all together. She understands that we are together forever.

I had some moments of fear that being a military family would be too difficult for her. That it wasn't fair to constantly change and uproot and be apart. But what I have learned is that we have the unique opportunity to focus on what permanence means. That God is still God no matter what. That our family can live anywhere and still be OUR family. That Daddy going away is temporary and love can defy distance and time. That we are serving our country when we support Daddy. That we can be bigger and better than our circumstances.

I have had the pleasure of knowing many military families who have adopted and I think they make such amazing parents. Living a military life forces you to be open to the unknown, you are surrounded by a wonderful mixture of nationalities, cultures and lifestyles. We are grounded by a common bond of sacrifice, honor and service that extends to our churches, communities and schools.

I am proud to say that we are a military family who has chosen to expand our family through adoption. What is difficult and challenging is also extremely rewarding. We live a life that depends on the 100% assurance of God and faith in His plan and Prim was a part of that plan. He knew our life and what it would mean for her and I am confident that He does not make mistakes.

Should Military Families Adopt?: Part 2

2010-10-06T19:58:00.001-04:00

I love the replies I received from yesterdays post and hope you enjoy and are challenged by the next next chapter in this series. I just want to quickly clarify that the main question was not should military families be allowed to adopt, but should they, knowing the lifestyle and the impact it may have on a newly adopted child, choose adoption for their family.

Part 2

To be honest, when we decided to adopt I don't think we gave much thought to the impact our constantly moving, relentlessly changing life would have on our daughter. In fact, when we began the process of bringing Prim home, we very specifically believed our military life would be an advantage to our little girl thousands of miles away.

You see, Prim was a waiting child from Holt's waiting child photo listing. I took one look at her and those BIG brown eyes and thought "there she is!". I couldn't get over the similarities in physical features she shared with our son and fell in love with her serious little face.

And so did seven other families.....

I don't know know how to describe the process of being "interviewed" for the right to love and parent a child, but it's not for the faint of heart. We had to convince a board, who had never met us in person and only knew us on paper, that this ten month old baby with possible special needs, that we were the best choice without a shadow of a doubt.

No pressure...

Before the interview H and I talked about what we had to offer that another family may not. I kept thinking, how could I convince the woman who was interviewing us that we would love this beautiful little girl more than any other family? I couldn't. And I wouldn't. I wouldn't make the argument that our love would be better, that we were more "deserving" because those seven other families wanted to parent this little girl just as much as we did and it felt unfair. I didn't want the process to feel like a competition. This was about a child. And we knew there was so much love for her already just from the overwhelming response to one tiny picture on a website. What we did have to offer which may have been different from other families was (ironically) stability. We are a military family. It means job security, medical insurance and no question of pre- existing conditions. It means a roof over our head, a paycheck on the 15th and 30th of the month without question and the exceptional family member program for those with special needs. It meant close-knit communities with bi-racial and trans racial families being the norm and accessibility to outreach programs and federally funded support networks. It means military hospitals, clinics and pharmacies. It meant a smooth financial and medical transition for a little girl with a lot of unknowns.

A few days later we got the call. We were hers. She was ours.

And I had to believe it was because, in part, of us being a military family.

Thanks for reading and check back for Part 3!

Should Military Families Adopt?: Part 1

2010-10-05T16:57:00.000-04:00

I think one of the most important things we try to instill in our adopted children is that they are loved by us forever. That they have finally received a permanent family, the abandonment process will not continue it's vicious cycle and their hearts have a place to call home. And it's a process. Earning their trust takes more than time and energy. It takes devotion that does not have conditions or parameters. It can often be a very long process that is slow to mature over months or years, sometimes taking one step forward and two steps back from one day to the next.

Now take this child, who yearns for the safety of attachment, a love that is bigger than their hurt and place them in a military family. Nothing shatters the I love you and will never leave you mantra like a six, nine or twelve month deployment.

Should military families consider adoption knowing that their lifestyle is often disruptive and unpredictable?

Wordless Weekend: What If She Had Been A Twin?

2010-10-01T20:54:00.000-04:00

Service Star from Heart on Your Wrist

2010-09-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

I had the pleasure of collaborating with one of my FAVORITE online stores, heartonyourwrist.com to design a piece of jewelry honoring men and women serving in our armed forces who are deployed all over the world.

My concept of a wearable, fashionable and simple Service Star to show pride for my husband currently deployed to Iraq, was turned into this beautiful sterling silver necklace thanks to Beth and her company's commitment to customer service and satisfaction.

Please consider this as a gift for friends or family who have loved ones who serve our country past or present. Each necklace can hold up to three stars for multiple loved ones serving in harms way.

Thank you Beth for this amazing opportunity!

For everyone who orders from seeing this post please enter the coupon code STARS10 at checkout and receive 10% off your order!

Praying Effectively Through The School Year

2010-09-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

Today's Faith Deployed article focuses on praying scripturally for our children!

Wordless Weekend: Video Edition

2010-09-18T18:16:00.000-04:00

I Will Not Apologize For Adopting

2010-09-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

I Will Not...

1. ...apologize for adopting my sweet daughter. You can not convince me that her life would have been better in an orphanage or foster care.

2. ...make politically correct excuses for why we chose international adoption over domestic. It's none of your business.

3. ...apologize for refusing to blend our daughter's religion of birth with our faith and maintain with certainty that she was brought out of darkness and into Light. Amen.

4. ...apologize for the amount of money that was spent on the adoption process and would happily do it again.

5. ...apologize for raising my daughter as an American first. Her nationality is a part of her history but her home, her freedom and her opportunity come from here.

I Will...

6. ...love my daughter with every fiber of my being not because she was adopted and fragile, but because she is my daughter and a gift from God.

7. ...raise her to define herself not by her circumstances, but by the freedom she has in Christ Jesus.

8. ...pray for her that her adoption into the Kingdom of Heaven becomes her greatest joy.

9. ...encourage her to ask questions, seek answers and heal any wound that is a result of her adoption experience.

10. ...share in her tears for the loss she has suffered.

11. ...hold her hand for the moments that matter...her wedding day, the birth of her first child, meeting her birth mother...I will be there.

Book Review: Choosing To SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope

2010-09-12T21:38:00.001-04:00

Please see the following link for my review on Mary Beth Chapman's moving book, Choosing to SEE.

Wordless Weekend: 9/11 Never Forget

2010-09-10T22:39:00.000-04:00

Melancholy

2010-09-08T20:40:00.000-04:00

Today I find myself in quite a pitiful state. Not completely happy and not completely sad but some strange place in between.

Prim started her first day of preschool today. Yes, she began last year but it was only two days a week and this year she will be gone four days a week. As I watched her go into her new class, after just yesterday waving goodbye to G as he began his second grade year, I lamented over how quickly it has all gone. Time is quickly passing me by and I fear that I haven't captured it enough, remembered enough. I worry that the little things that make having a child so precious are going to be forgotten.

My expectations have had to shift since May. You see, at this point I hoped to be pregnant, just in the beginning stages of showing off a baby bump. How it hurts my heart that I do not have this small gift to carry along with me. I didn't think it would hurt this much but in the quiet of my own mind today I found myself longing for what seems to be missing.

Is it supposed to feel like we're always saying goodbye? Goodbye to expectations, goodbye to our children as they grow a year older, goodbye to a season that we thought would outlast our dreams. I ask God so often why, why, why that I wonder if He's still listening. But maybe it's me who's not hearing. I read His Word that says:

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 6-7

and not only do I think of my own trials; this deployment, infertility and a small brood growing older by the minute, but I think of the people that I see around me who are suffering and I feel overwhelmed. A friend of mine often posts on Facebook about about a family who just lost their daughter to an aggressive form of brain cancer. She was five. She was alive one day and the next she was gone, resting in the arms of Jesus. Or I read Mary Beth Chapman's new book about losing her daughter, Maria, and I think to myself, is this what perspective looks like? How can I possibly feel this way with what they have suffered through?

Maybe it would seem easier if H were home. Him being gone only magnifies the loneliness and I know that he would stand next to me and say "they're getting so big, where did the time go?"... And then I think of him being seven thousand miles away and not being able to kiss them goodbye on their first day of school or hug them when he gets home. Again-perspective.

I know tomorrow will be a new day and the goodbyes won't feel quite so difficult. And maybe in November, when there is a welcome hello they won't seem so harsh to begin with. But for now, I pray that I will be proven faithful and that He always be in it...

My Life

2010-09-08T08:43:00.000-04:00

Just a bit about me...

click here to read a bit about my military wife life!

We Are All Adopted

2010-09-06T09:52:00.002-04:00

Please check out my article this week at Christian Military Wives new online magazine "Wives in Bloom". I love sharing how adoption has made such an amazing impact on my life and my faith!

Wordless Weekend: What Love Looks Like

2010-09-04T10:53:00.000-04:00

Rachel's Birthday Video from Kristian Anderson on Vimeo.

The husband has been battling liver and bowel cancer since last October...

Back To School

2010-09-03T13:20:00.002-04:00

I have to say that this upcoming school year has not been without trepidation. I don't know why but I felt like this was a defining year for my kids and their education. When we were in California and decided to pull G from public school to place him in a private Christian school I felt like I was making a big statement about how he was going to be educated going forward.
Our move to Virginia, before we were able to place him in said private school, gave us two options. Send G to the local public school (which was raved about by friends and strangers alike) or send him to a private Christian school which would cost $10,000 more than what we would have been spending in California. I hate to say it but the bank account won hands down.
There were things I loved about G's new school and things that made me cringe. I loved that they pushed the kids academically and physically. Who knew first graders would have to run a mile-yes that's one full mile- multiple times a week or that they would have to create their own country with a capital, means of leadership (king or president) and country motto. Hey, for first grade I thought it was pretty great!
I cringed at the way the lunch room ladies were nasty to the children they so obviously labeled as "troublemakers" and still think that it's disgraceful that there is a naughty table for kids who are not following the rules-and it seems like these rules include talking above a whisper. To place kids at a table that is more like being on exhibit skates a fine line between breaking a child's spirit and discipline. I will NEVER forget the day that we brought cupcakes to the lunch room for G's birthday and one of the little boys who always seemed to be at the naughty table started to cry because he thought he was going to be excluded. My heart broke when I saw a grown woman lash out at him and tell him to knock it off. Was this where I wanted my child?
My other concern was that after a while I didn't feel like his classroom was a good fit for him and that is when I began to worry about the upcoming second grade year.
This school year Gabe tested into a gifted and talented cluster class. After watching my best friend struggle with her son and his gifted class-or lack thereof-I worried about my G's upcoming experience. Would he be challenged and encouraged to be his best without expecting perfection? Would he have a teacher that can look past flaws in handwriting, attention to detail and silly mistakes and see the brilliant and compassionate little boy who can light up a room just by walking through the door?
At this point you may be laughing at me and my expectations for my children. I know that there is never a perfect teacher or perfect school. I'm not a perfect mother so I get it. But my son is going to spend-as he has in the past two years-seven hours a day with a person that is not me! And that's ok in theory but really-I struggle with that.
So back to the trepidation. I started to wonder if this year would be the one that pushed me to home school. To keep the kids at home where I know them inside and out, where I could ultimately look at myself as a mother and say I did the best in every circumstance including their education. My best friend was now doing it and would be completely supportive and after our first grade year considering home school versus private school we had been at this place before. What was best?
Back to school night was last night and I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with what I saw. Even after hearing positive feedback regarding his new teacher I was still hesitant. I can honestly say that today I am excited for the start of school on Tuesday. I saw a woman that was both nurturing and resourceful, experienced and mature in her teaching style and I like that.
I think the first day of school is going to be difficult for me. Not only because I am watching this little boy whom I used to carry in my arms as a baby walk away towards a new adventure, but because H will not be here to experience it with us. It's just one more memory that we will have without him, one more step towards the future that will include him waving goodbye to the yellow school bus.
I hope that as families, both mom and dad, walk their children to school on their first day that they remember all of the kids who will be without a parent because of their service to our country. If you have a child in your son or daughter's class who has a parent deployed overseas, consider doing something special for them or their family. You won't believe what a difference you'll make.

New Features at Amazing Grace

2010-08-31T12:38:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to point out some new features here that will help you navigate your way around this blog. Please notice that I have added a button for Faith Deployed which will direct you to Jocelyn Green's amazing site offering support and encouragement to military families-especially those going through deployment. Articles and devotionals can be found under the "blog" header.

You can now subscribe to Amazing Grace! Don't miss out on updates and posts. I will be linking articles from Faith Deployed and Wives in Bloom to this blog for one stop reading!

Lastly, I have added a search function to make it a bit less time consuming to view posts by topic. If you are a prospective adoptive parent or are in the process of traveling to your child, please use keyword "travel" or "Thailand" for our travel experience to Prim. Any attachment related topics can be found by typing in "adjustment" or "attachment".

On a more personal note, please keep our men and women in the armed forces in your prayers. Although "combat missions" in Iraq have ended, sailors, soldiers and marines deployed to Iraq still face hostility and danger on a daily basis as violence increases. The Administration's claim that our role is strictly one of support has not deterred terrorists from targeting our military, Iraqi security forces and civilians.
In the past four days 21 US soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan. Please pray for God's protection over all of those serving in a country covered in darkness and especially for those families who will never see their loved ones again.

Come Join Me!

2010-08-30T23:06:00.000-04:00

So writing is my thing. I love it and it's taken a long time to get to a place where I feel like I'm "good enough" to do it professionally. Freelancing, especially online, has been such an amazing opportunity to expand my horizons and write about what is near and dear to my heart.

Right now I have the pleasure and honor of writing for Faith Deployed and will be a regular contributor to the new online magazine Wives in Bloom (debuting September 1 and is a part of Christian Military Wives). This is new for me and will take time away from this blog but God is prodding me to do more outside of my safety net, which is all of you who love me and my yammering! So if you only see a post or two a week here, know that I'm working hard on new endeavors but still want to advocate and write about adoption and our family.

A while back I did a marriage series on this blog and it is being posted at Faith Deployed. You can check it out here and part 2 will follow shortly!
If you are a military spouse or have a loved one serving in the armed forces than both of these online sites are not only encouraging but supportive!

Wordless Weekend

2010-08-29T19:49:00.000-04:00

A Repost: Resistence is Futile

2010-08-24T14:40:00.000-04:00

As this months marks the three year anniversary of Prim's homecoming, I have been reflecting on all that we have endured. One thing that I love about my husband is that he always manages to make me smile-even when we feel like we are in the depths of despair (to quote Anne Shirley).
On one particular night in Thailand, shortly after Prim came into our care full time, our little one collapsed from exhuastion on my chest and any attempt to move her was met with angry tears. Thankfully, H took over my writing duties and posted this from our hotel in Bangkok:

I am Prim and I am being oppressed by an international triad. An Asian man whom I believe to be the leader, though I have doubts because the Puerto-Rican looking lady gives him a lot of orders and a little boy, who's pretty easy on the eyes. I am not sure what country they are from because the man and woman speak to each other in English, but the man and the boy speak to each other in French, and the man speaks under his breath about the lady in what I think is Vietnamese. When the little boy watches a show about a girl and her monkey friend, I thought I heard him say something in Spanish...I am soooo confused.
But I digress... I was able to steal a minute alone by making cute faces. Now they are scurrying for their precious cameras to take ransom photos of me. I am typing on this white machine that belongs to the woman which the man doesn't like because it's not a PC but something called a Mac. Today they took me to their embassy to get my legal documents so they could take me to their basecamp. After that, we went to the river and went on a boat ride. Apparently the man chose poorly, because he picked the slowest boat in the canal. I tried to flag down everyone I saw, but they just thought I was being cute and waved back. After what seemed like a eternity, we hit land and stopped at this hole in the wall where they tried to shove food down my throat. I was so excited when we got to the King's Palace because surely he would stop these people from showering me with love, but he wasn't home. Then it started thundering and lightning so we jumped in a taxi and sat in traffic for an hour and a half. The man left the taxi at the embassy and sent us to their hotel, but somehow when we finally got there, he was already there waiting. He must have teleporting abilities like the guy on the television show "Heroes".
They didn't want to risk having me escape like last night so they had food brought to the room. I tried to gross the woman out by dipping my french fries into her ketchup, licking it clean and putting the french fries back into the pile. But again I failed because they just thought I was simply adorable (which I am). Tonight, I'll fall asleep on the woman again, because she has nice built-in pillows, whereas the man is uncomfortable because his chest is like finely chiseled stone and his arms are like twisted steel. I am starting to warm up to him though, because he's pretty nice and he makes me laugh. Tomorrow, they are taking me to this place called Hua Hin. Wish me luck.

This Almost Gave Me a Hernia

2010-08-19T21:54:00.000-04:00

วันแม่แห่งชาติ

2010-08-12T15:14:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to a girl far away from here. I am watching our daughter play with her new Barbie right now, deep in concentration as she combs the long blond hair just so. She is growing into such a big girl, you wouldn't believe how much she resembles you. Especially those feet.

Oh those feet! Every time I look at them, tickle them, marvel at their stomping power I think of you. I remember when we received the first picture of our little girl, I took one look at those long feet that ended in longer toes and I thought to myself surely they are the biggest and ugliest feet on a child I had ever seen. And sure enough, the shoes that I had so carefully chosen, packed and carried thousands of miles across the ocean did not fit those toddler feet.

We are blessed to have two pictures of you holding our baby. She was only a month old, you a child yourself, and what struck me first was your somber face. What you must have been thinking while you stood there in front of a camera to document the day you let her go. After looking at your face and trying to discern the expression in your eyes I quickly moved to the bottom of the picture and gasped as I thought, "My gosh! Those feet!!". I remember that it made me smile. I love that she will one day look at this picture of you two together and think that she has feet just like yours. That she shares something so pronounced with her mother.

Our daughter is beautiful. She had the biggest brown eyes, the sweetest smile and this little athletic body all carried by my favorite part of her. Her feet. I pray one day these feet will carry her toward her dream. I pray that the feet that mirror yours will direct her towards a peace and faith in God and eventually a family of her own.

And maybe one day, those feet will carry her back to you....

It All Comes To This

2010-08-11T11:07:00.000-04:00

Far Away From Here

2010-08-06T17:16:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get a deep yearning to just be... away? For quite some time I have settled into the same daydream. A little house, lots of open space and the sound of the kids laughing. In my daydream my belly is swollen with pregnancy and H is beside me on a creaking porch swing. It is quiet in all of the right ways. Nature makes it's noises and we spend our evenings quietly enjoying what God has made.

I think I may be entering a new season in my life. I crave simple. I long for quiet. I think much of it has to do with H being gone. I am starting to realize that I have spent too much of my marriage apart from my husband. I want to know what it is to be with him, not without. The kids are growing so fast-I can't seem to remember little things about them when they were babies. The other day I wrangled with the cloudy memory of when G took his first steps and I hated that I couldn't remember clearly that precious moment.

Prim came home at twenty one months and just recently I realized how small she was. I feel like I missed so much of her toddler time because it was so deeply emotional and exhausting for us all. I wish for her that I had been able to carry her as an infant. As an adoptive mom I feel like I missed so much-that I should have had the joy of her first tooth and her first steps.

Maybe what I need is to feel shut away for a while with all of us together again. The time is slipping, slipping away so quickly and soon they will be stretching their wings to find their own way.

On My Mind

2010-08-03T20:34:00.001-04:00

How is it possible that praying can be so utterly disappointing?

Today is my Honey's 39th birthday and we are apart-again...

Why do they call it a "cluster" class for gifted and talented when all it is is a regular 2nd grade class visited by the G&T resource teacher once a week. Great. They can be gifted and talented. Once a week.

How God can be described with words that are not applicable to ourselves such as unconditional, faithful, omniscient, merciful.

Why do I procrastinate? Really. Why? Even I think it's painful.

I am so thankful for good friends. What would I do without you guys?

Why can't hair extensions be cheaper? I really want long, thick luscious movie star hair.

Wordless Weekend: Missing You

2010-07-31T15:13:00.000-04:00

If Only Life Were This Easy

2010-07-30T13:42:00.001-04:00

Bed Time Struggles

2010-07-27T21:46:00.000-04:00

I am having a wits end moment. Right this second my daughter is screaming at the tippy top of her lungs "MOMMY! MOMMY!" over and over again. She is so angry that I sent her right back to bed after getting up to tell me that she had a "nightmare". She had yet to fall asleep and already there are a million and one excuses for why she can not go to bed. This happens each and every night and I am done.

These are the moments when I find myself biting the inside of my cheek for fear of saying something angry and loud. I feel almost nailed to the ground fearful of how to approach her because in my mind this is always a pivotal moment. The moment that she will remember for always. The moment that made her stay fearful. The memory of my angry and frustrated face. Flash backs of a mom that didn't comfort her when she needed it.

For me this is-so far-the hardest parted of being an adoptive parent; knowing when behavior is trauma related or when it's the stubbornness of a four year old.

.......G just came down stairs. The screaming is keeping him up, even when I put him in my bed. We held hands and prayed that God would calm her heart and help me to have patience.

........In the middle of a scream there was complete silence. I gave it a minute, almost worried that something had happened. I peeked into her room and she is asleep, passed out from exhaustion.

She was over tired and now I feel like I was too harsh with her. Some days I can't tell what she needs and I wonder, selfishly, how much more I can possibly give her.

G did not feel like he had to manipulate me for my attention and affection and Prim does. Even after almost three years. Even after the hugs, the kisses, the love, there is a part of her that is still scared and it makes me feel so very sad.

Not for me, but for her.

Sometimes my head gets it and my heart doesn't.

Wordless Weekend

2010-07-24T18:17:00.001-04:00

Things I Love For Summer

2010-07-22T22:23:00.000-04:00

1. Personalized Keepsakes from Heart on Your Wrist

2. Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer in Caramel

3. Kiehl's "Oil Free" Moisturizer

4. SOLE Women Sport Flip Flops

5. Bare Minerals SPF 30 Natural Sunscreen in Medium

6. The Outsiders by Need to Breathe

7. The Passage by Justin Cronin

8. A Brazilian Blowout

9. Lands End Valleta Bandeau Swim Top in Black

10. Doodle Jump

Prayer Request

2010-07-14T16:59:00.000-04:00

If you are a prayer warrior than please head over to Adrienne's blog and take a moment to pray for their TINY miracle baby Bennett. Jesus said "All things are possible for him who believes". Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers!

Traveling

2010-07-13T13:14:00.000-04:00

Our summer travels have unfortunately left me unable to write as often as I like. But, God is good and things are brewing in my mind for something big. Something I fear but want to do anyway, regardless if I fail. In a week or so I will be home and focused, falling into a summer routine with the kids. We are making our way through this time without Daddy. His absense is felt with such intensity at times that it's all we can do to get through the day.
Please keep checking in and I will be posting more summer pictures soon. These kids are growing right along with the weeds. Bigger and stronger even though I wish for them to stay my sweet little angels. I can't seem to stop them from growing and every day H misses how big they are getting.
I hope you are all finding some fun and creative moments despite the heat. How are your angels adjusting these days?

Pictures

2010-07-05T14:30:00.000-04:00

From Our Trip To Nags Head...

What No One Told You

2010-07-01T17:55:00.000-04:00

We'll continue with Part II of "What I Don't Hear" tomorrow. But for now, I'd like to know, what was it that you learned after coming home and the months that followed your child's adoption that you wish someone would have told you before hand?

What little nugget of wisdom would have been transformative in helping you prepare yourself and your child for your new life together?

I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas and please, please share your heart!

What I Don't Hear: Part 1

2010-06-30T12:33:00.000-04:00

For all of the adoption haters, (and yes I have read the word "hate" in many, many blogs) I hear a whole lot of anger but what I don't hear are solutions to this "baby buying business that causes irreparable damage".

I ask this with sincerity, but what do you propose be done with the world's approximately 130 million orphans? Should they stay in over crowded, underfunded group homes or state run facilities until they become of age? Should children stay in foster care indefinitely? And what about the thousands of children in India, Eastern Europe and Africa that overwhelm the streets. Would it be better for each and every person in the process of adoption to withdraw their applications and hope that the collective world gets the picture? That according to you adoption hurts. That it destroys lives.

You see, I really think that the argument is a fine, thread thin line between abandonment and adoption. Because, unfortunately, there is no adoption without abandonment. And how do you change abandonment? How do you stop mothers from abandoning their children? Because once they have abandoned their child, for whatever reason, there is a responsibility to find families for these children.

Back in The Saddle Again...

2010-06-28T10:18:00.000-04:00

The great thing about coming home from vacation is realizing that the fun is not ending but just beginning! Summer break is one long extended vacation and I can't wait to move on to our next adventure!

I've got a ton of pictures to download and post here so give me a day or two to get my ducks in a row.

**If you think about it would you pray for my husband and all of his men? If you could pray specifically for safety that would be great and very much appreciated!

.....more to come.....

Checking In...

2010-06-23T23:41:00.000-04:00

Two more days left of vacation. Here are some highlights with pictures to follow this weekend:

1. Prim got corn rows (who knew I was so hip?)

2. I got right in the (cold) ocean with the kids even though I usually abstain (I let Daddy do it).

3. Even though Prim peed on my new white cover up (it promptly dried in the 100 degree heat) it came out in the wash. The smell, not the stain.

4. North Carolina BBQ. 'Nuff said.

5. I get to hear someone else say "STOP ARGUING!"

6. Grandpa's "serious" face is sooo effective.

7. Reality TV overload a la Grandma.

8. Being reminded of why it's called The Emerald Coast *sigh*

9. Late nights equal late mornings

10. Family. My husband and brother here would have made it perfect...

Who Doesn't Love a Quckie?

2010-06-17T12:34:00.000-04:00

This will be brief. I know most everyone with school age kids has had or is having a busy last week. We have early dismissal today and tomorrow, tomorrow being the last day of school-WOOT! Class parties and getting ready for our trip on Saturday have kept me going this week-thank goodness for distractions!

We head to the Outer Banks on Saturday with my parents. We've been looking forward to this trip for almost two months and I am so thrilled to be getting out of town. I could use the change of scenery! Deployment seems to be going by sloooooooowly....

I may post pictures or I may wait until we get back in a week. It depends on the internet situation although I know I should let technology go for seven days. No Facebook? No blogging? Oy vey that's a tall order for this gadget girl.

Have a great beginning of your summer and I'll catch up soon!

To Anonymous With Love

2010-06-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment on my previous blog post. I sat and thought about what you wrote for a long time. The concern that you feel is tangible so, today, I would like to dedicate this post to you.

I can only speak for myself when I say that any decision that we make as a family is made prayerfully. Do we do it perfectly? Never. We tend to jump before we look at times, but for the most part, we petition God for His guidance and direction so that we may be lead with a pure and humble heart.

I will honestly say that I don't know how life's decisions can be made without the prompting and guidance of the Holy Spirit. We are constantly bombarded with a need to quench our own desires, to be fulfilled according to our own feelings. Oftentimes what I really need is to stop and consider my motives before moving ahead.

I'm saying this because you are questioning the desire of your heart. What God brings to the table is discernment. Recognizing God's voice in the midst of doubt and fear is a tremendous gift because so often we are asked to do something that is completely out of our comfort zone or given the opportunity to follow what He has so clearly placed on our heart. I would encourage you to pray. To seek wisdom and guidance in His Word because the answers to your questions are all there. You must replace doubt with truth to be able to move forward.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Following the will of God does not mean that the path will easy. We are not promised a road less traveled. In fact, oftentimes when we proceed as God asks, we can find ourselves in the mire and the muck, gasping for air. But there is a choice. Obey God, trust in Him that He will make our path straight and know that He will not abandon us. He can and will use every situation for His glory and furthermore will strengthen us in ways we could not have anticipated.

Adoption can be messy. There have been moments in the past with my daughter when I have felt such despair in both of us that I could not see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. She felt so broken in her sadness and as a mother it was gut wrenching to watch. I stayed awake at night thinking about the unfairness of it all. The abandonment, the grief, the insecurity. I found myself angry at the family of a young girl who gave birth to a precious baby. The only help they gave was to assist her in giving up her child. When I think of what my daughter could have been spared I feel such sorrow for them both.

But I do not have regret.

I would do it over and over again.

God called us to answer the desire of our heart in building our family through adoption and that includes the layer upon layer of issues and emotions that come with it. For better and for worse we were asked and answered the call to become parents to both a biological and adopted child and we never doubted that God would be in each and every moment. That He would bridge the gap for our inequities and that our journey would be guided in miraculous ways.

The things about parenting is that no one can tell you how to do it right. We will all succeed and fail. We are broken and imperfect people. But what we do have is the example of the perfect Person. Jesus. He walked on this earth to give us all that we need to not only be happy, but to be whole. He loved the very best and worst of us. The leper, the harlot, the sick and the infirm, the poor and the weak of heart. Society's outcasts, the invisible many, were loved unconditionally by God who came in the form as man so that we could experience love. He is our example for raising our children.

When I say that nothing I do or say will be enough it's because I often fall short of the glory of God. For my children, I will raise them to the very best of my ability. I am not a perfect mother and I know that I may not fill their hearts with all that they need. But God can. When I say that we do our best I am not being cliche or flip. Because getting up every morning and deciding to be a better mother than you were yesterday is doing your best. And on the days when you fail or falter, you give it to God, pray for the strength to do better, put one foot in front of the other and go forward.

There will always be someone standing by to criticise or condemn. Even from other adoptive parents or adoptees. But the point is is that you are not raising a family to please other people. Adoptees may grab you by the neck and scream "don't do what my parents did with me and ignore, ignore, ignore!!" and adoptive parents may pull you aside and whisper "they'll forget in time, don't worry about it" (wink, wink). Parents that have never adopted may look at your sweet family and shower you with accolades as to how "naturally" your adopted child fits in-like you've won the adoption lottery and not gotten one of those "difficult" children.

We could stereotype and finger point all day but when it comes down to it, it is a personal, family decision. When you come to the understanding that you are not adopting a child but their entire history, when you want to be the perfect fit for your child, not the other way around, than I would say you are becoming a mother already.

Wordless Weekend: Homemade Smoothies

2010-06-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

I Know You Were Adopted But...Part II

2010-06-08T21:00:00.000-04:00

Don't be angry. This is not a post against adoptees but against the broad generalization that I've been reading lately on some adoptee blogs that characterize adoptive parents as naive. It is insinuated that although we are "well intented" in our quest to expand our families through adoption we really don't have a clue and should confess as much. Admit to the world that we are woefully unprepared to take on the challenges that come with adopting and accept that our "love conquers all" (so implied) attitude is both antiquated and misplaced because the transformative issues associated with adoption are too complex. Love is only a band aide.

To me it implies that there should be shame in not knowing how to best parent an adopted child. That we should wear t shirts that read "I'm Well Intended But..." or "My Kids Adopted Which Means I Don't Have A Clue". When I read adoptee blogs that go on and on that adoptive parents think this and adoptive parents say that I think to myself so what's your point? What is it really that you're trying to say because from where I stand (over here on the side of raising children) I hear judge, judge, judge. And from what I've seen the harshest critics of adopted parents are by adoptees who are. not. parents.

I don't care if you are adopted, biological or sprouted from a bush alongside leprechauns, unless you have walked a mile in my parenting shoes don't pretend to understand my motives or my heart.

I don't mean to sound patronizing (I actually may be past that point) but isn't it clearly stating the obvious that as parents, biological or adoptive, we have no idea what we're getting in to when we take on the responsibility of children?

I have two children. One biological and one adopted and I thought they were both going to be a ray of sunshine because they were mine! How do you explain to someone that half of the time parenting is like swimming in a kiddie pool of pirhannas? You can't! You look at that first picture of your newly adopted child or feel your baby moving inside of you and you think perfection. Sweet, baby-faced perfection...

Of course we had no idea what we were getting into-especially when we adopted our children. Yes, we read, we obsessed, we furiously became a member of adoptive forums and blogs and we really did try and prepare ourselves to become the parent that our future child needs. I have met very, very few adoptive parents who have been naive enough to think that it will be lollipops and roses once they are home with their adopted son or daughter. And I have met fewer that didn't go to even greater lengths to educate themselves after their children were home in order to guide them on their journey of grief and abandonment trauma.

What do we have if we don't have a "love conquers all" attitude because the root of that purposeful, determined emotion is hope. Didn't you have that kind of love when you married? Weren't you swept away in a love that you believed could carry you through the rest of your life? Wasn't hope the core of that promise you made on your wedding day and because of love itself you believe it will carry you through any trial? Sickness and health. Better or worse. Richer or poorer.

Can we all say that we knew what marriage would bring? Could we predict that in the midst of love there would be hurt and sorrow? Were we wrong to believe on that most important day that by saying yes to forever we were acknowledging that love would indeed conquer all? I don't think so.

I believe that love can conquer anything. I believe that the heart can heal and become renewed because of love. I know that my daughter can overcome her adoption trauma because of perfect love. But hear me clearly when I say that I recognize that my love will never be enough. I am talking about a redemptive, grace filled love from our Creator Who can heal any wound, mend any soul and redeem any wrong.

Jesus walked this Earth so that we could learn what perfect love looks like. You see, we are bound by our limitations. God is not. We are promised that we can claim victory to any burden, any sorrow through Christ. I believe that for my children. Can I do it for them? No. But I can teach them how to receive it-God will do the rest.

The next time you think about questioning the motives of an adoptive parent-ask yourself this question first. What is it in you that makes you point a finger and say you're not good enough, you're not well intended enough, your eyes are not opened enough?? Life is all about on the job training and sometimes you just don't get it until you live it.

I wore rose colored glasses before becoming a parent. I said "HELL YEAH! Sign me up!" and thanks goodness for my naive optimism because this parenting thing is tough. I couldn't have forseen the angst and anguish that comes with raising another human being and nobody could have told me different. I had to do it to believe it.

I don't think adoptive parents need to justify why they choose to adopt. I also don't think adoptees need to justify why they choose to find their birth families. All of us were born. None of us were asked to choose our parents beforehand. At some point we all have a choice. Maybe for a million different reasons it didn't start off that way but it certainly ends up that way.

I keep my rose colored glasses tucked neatly away in a drawer. I don't need them anymore. But, they are a good reminder that I jumped in with both feet, propelled by love and hope into a great unknown *

I Know You Were Adopted But...Part 1

2010-06-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

I know you were adopted but don't tell me how to be an adoptive parent.

How do you like them apples?

To be continued...

Wordless Weekend: Video Edition

2010-06-06T11:38:00.002-04:00

Perspective is Like a Kick in The Jimmy

2010-06-03T16:34:00.000-04:00

Picture a beautiful day. Kids running around. Music playing softly in the background. Your favorite song always puts you in a great mood and while you're walking down the stairs to answer the knock at the door you hear the laughter of little voices and smile. It's going to be a great day.

When you open the front door there are two men standing side by side. In uniform. You turn back to see if the kids have followed you to the door. The tears slowly slip down your cheeks and although you see their lips moving, you can not hear their words over the pounding of your heart.

He is gone.

He's never coming home.

This past weekend the 1000th soldier was killed in Afghanistan. On the day that I realized that we had not conceived I thought of this family. Their no was so much bigger than mine.

For us it's not a no but a not right now.

But for this family, and like so many before them, it is the most painful kind of no. It is final.

No, you will never hold him again.

No, he will not be there for another Christmas or birthday.

No, your children will not understand why Daddy is not coming home.

No

No

No

I was so sad, so disappointed when our treatments failed this month because it means waiting until the end of the year to resume. I looked at G long and hard this weekend and had such vivid images of him as a new baby in my arms, vulnerable and mine. All mine forever. And I cried because I wonder if I will ever feel that again.

And then I thought of this family. And I think of my husband so far away in Iraq and how we all, even if just once, have imagined the dread of seeing men in uniform standing at our front door. It is almost unthinkable.

So for now, I say thank you to all who prayed for our success. Your prayers did not go unanswered or unheard. I believe God in His wisdom has something even better in store for us so we will put patience into practice. I am thankful that for now it is wait.

Because I understand how quickly things can change and how definite the no's can be.

Yeah. That's My Kid.

2010-06-01T19:03:00.000-04:00

There are moments when parenting is pure ecstasy. Yep. You read me right. Ecstasy. Pure unadulterated joy that leaves my heart singing with parental pride.

This is the conversation that G initiated while doing his homework:

G: Mommy, K & K were talking at school today and they both said that they aren't special.

(Now, at this point in the conversation I'm thinking this is a stall tactic to put off homework so I'm only half listening, but if you keep reading you'll see immediately why I tuned in fast!)

G: (exasperated and huffy) I TOLD them that they are very special-more special than they could every know!

Me: And what did they say to that?

G: (very emphatically and with gusto) They said they weren't special because they have sloppy handwriting and don't read well. And I said to them-are you kidding me? You two are WAY smarter than me! You're two of the smartest kids in the class and you should be proud of yourself!

Me: They are both very blessed to have such an encouraging friend. You really have a gift and I'm so happy to hear that you use it to encourage and be an example to those around you.

G: I mean, Mom, I told them that they are meant for something really special, even if they don't know what it is right now. But they are! I just know it! Just because they can't do something as well doesn't mean they aren't special. There are a lot of things that people are better at than me and it doesn't bother me. I know God made me special.

(Now I'm starting to get all misty and I can feel my nose turning red like when I ugly cry)

Me: Maybe they haven't been told in a really long time that God made them each special in their own way. I think maybe tonight when you say your prayers you could include them both- that is a big way that you could help them!

G: I feel sad that they don't think that they are good people and don't like themselves. I feel down sometimes and feel like I'm the weirdest person in our family (random) but I remember that God made me just fine how I am and He makes me smile again. It's really helped me a lot in my life to remember that.

I think my seven year old little boy made the angels in Heaven sing today.

Wordless Weekend: Memorial Day Edition

2010-05-29T13:39:00.000-04:00

Riddle Me This

2010-05-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

It's been a long week and even though I have a ton on my mind I'm having a hard time translating that to a blog post. Please have grace on me-I'll come up with something witty and insightful soon but for now I'm going to leave you with the following questions:

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? Is this one thing a result of insecurity?

If you could change one thing about your spouse what would it be? Would you change this one thing because it would make your life easier or would it be in your spouses best interest?

Will you encourage your children (biological or adopted) to adopt?

Empty Mind, Full Heart

2010-05-25T15:47:00.000-04:00

I've sat down three times to write today and it's just not happening.

So today, whether you are over the moon with joy or wishing it was Friday already, take a moment for YOU! Remind yourself that you are a daughter of the most high King. A royal princess.

No crown of thorns required.

Love, April

Sit Back, Close Your Eyes And Enjoy

2010-05-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

Wordless Weekend: Contemplating the Dough

2010-05-23T11:41:00.000-04:00

Love and Adoption

2010-05-21T19:44:00.004-04:00

A friend of mine had her baby last night. A big, healthy baby boy that will change her life forever just by his presence outside of her body. I want to tell her how his smile is going to burrow deep into the secret places in her heart. Or how she will cry when he takes his first steps because there is no turning back from that kind of independence.

Parenting is an amazing metamorphosis of the soul. I think if you took the fabric of my being, the cells that sustain my life, and looked at them under a microscope before and after becoming a parent, there would be a physical and noticeable change. You can not bring another human being into the world and remain stagnant.

I remember when Prim came home. I had an exhaustion both physically and emotionally as if I had given birth. But instead of a sore body (and leaky boobs) I had an aching heart for a little girl who did not feel like my own because she had not claimed me as hers.

It's one thing to parent and love a child that was birthed from your womb. A child that you pridefully look at and boast the obvious physical connection from you or your spouse. The lips, the hair, the eyes. The way they wrinkle their nose in their sleep. And, oh, those sweet baby fingers and toes. But to hold a child that is-quite honestly-in the depths of despair, takes no solace in your soothing words or loving embrace, will change you. Big time.

Let me go back to what I said about Prim not feeling like mine until she claimed me as hers. It had nothing to do with not feeling like she was my daughter. That girl was mine all right. Look at her cross eyed and I'd turn into a version of myself that would probably leave you speechless. She was mine from the minute I saw her.

But what I mean is is that I had to earn the privilege of being her mother. I had to endure the crying, the screaming, the anguish. I had to bear the brunt of her grief, her anger and loss. I was not entitled to her love just because I was given the title of mother.

I had to wait. My heart had to be patient. I was on her time table, not my own. You see, her DNA has changed. She was a girl, living a sweet life with a big family. She didn't understand that she was not theirs for keeps. She had custom, language and routine that comforted her for twenty two months. She had familiar mommy kisses and older sibling coddling. She already had a family that she had faithfully given her little heart to. And then we came.

And we left.

Together.

All of the familiar was gone. All of the comfort taken. We did not have to change our lives but she had to alter everything she knew to fit into our family. I know that in many ways-ways in which I may not anticipate or foresee-it changed her. Maybe not for the worse. Maybe not for the best. Change can often be a mixture of both. Oil an vinegar or cinnamon and sugar. Only time will tell. But sometimes, in quiet moments, I think about that baby in Thailand and wonder who she would be if she were still there and not here.

I don't know when it was that the real healing began. I can't put a date to it, there was no message in the sky that announced YOU DID IT! in fluffy white letters. But slowly, after seasons had changed, a few birthdays celebrated and many tears shed, I was still a life vest but Prim was no longer sinking.

She moved from surviving to living.

Gasping to breathing.

Being.

And after a while, when she called me mom, I knew she meant it. I knew she felt it. There is room in her heart for me and that my friends, is a sweet place to be.

This post is dedicated to K & J and their beautiful baby boy 'Kawika'. May God bless your journey with all of the joys and challenges that come with the privilege of parenting. We love you.

Though Doth Not Mope

2010-05-19T09:07:00.001-04:00

So I realize that yesterdays post may have seemed a bit....somber. My bad. That really was not my intention, but intentions be darned and maybe I was a bit mopier than I realized.

I think the thing about military life is that sometimes (i.e. always) it can leave you feeling a bit vulnerable. I equate being a military spouse to living in the wild, wild west.

Without the corset dresses and lawlessness mind you.

Often the road ahead seems like uncharted territory. A new duty station, a new city, can often seem just as desolate as a ghost town, blowing tumbleweeds and all. It takes a strong constitution to unpack your new home in two days in order to host your first social gathering of strangers or walk into your eighth new church in eleven years. I've done it and I'm sure I'll have to do it again.

You know you are a military spouse when you plan babies around deployment schedules and duty stations.

You know you are used to military life when said military interrupts your careful (and strategic) planning and you have your baby without darling husband by your side. Oh. And that rockin' duty station that will give you two years of marital togetherness? Got changed. A week before you are supposed to move.

The thing is, is that military life has been my spiritual saving grace. I have been forced-out of a sheer desire to stay sane-to give God control of these life experiences that oftentimes leave me breathless. I can honestly say, that after eleven years I am a walking, living example of Philippians 4:6-7 when it comes to my husbands deployments. He is on the ground in Iraq and I do not have fear or anxiety.

It doesn't keep me up at night. I don't get anxious when I hear the news about a roadside bomb. I don't say to myself what if. I have peace that can only be described as supernatural.

God has seen fit to use our military life as a parallel to our journey with infertility. I get it. I am not in control. I do not know the future and I have to find joy in my self imposed suffering. I could almost laugh about it if I weren't so busy crossing my arms and frowning. Like a four year old. Throwing a temper tantrum.

I am blessed. Even when my ovaries are working against me. Even when the military makes a mockery of my careful and very reasonable plans. I can find peace in the God who is Love. There is joy in the waiting because God is in every twist and turn. If I didn't have faith I think I would melt.

In a big teary puddle. And I don't wear waterproof mascara.

Nobody Here But Us Whiners

2010-05-18T09:09:00.001-04:00

So I'm sitting here pondering something profound to write about and all I get is that sound like when they're doing a test of the emergency broadcast system in the middle of your favorite television show.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

This is a test of your sanity after weeks of fertility drugs and fifty transvaginal ultrasounds.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Really. All I hear in my head is a whole lot of high pitched nothin'.

I think it's because I feel stuck. When I am anticipating something big I have the bad habit of finding my feet glued to the ground and my one track mind stuck in nuetral.

I'm trying to pray through it. Over and over again saying "Your will not my own" sometimes more fervently because I find I'm having to talk over myself. Here I am hoping God hears my obedience and faithfulness and really what I want Him to hear is make me pregnant pretty please with a cherry on top!

Do I know how to put God in a box or what? Someone give this girl a prize!!

I wonder if God leans over to Jesus and says poor, poor dear. Look how hard she tries not to be manipulative in prayer. It's almost cute in a way, but really, when will she learn...

The thing is, is that it's not the end of the world if it didn't work this time. We'll have to wait until Husband returns home at the end of the year to try again but other than that this is definitely not the end. I'm still young right?

Speaking of Husband.

It's been almost a month since he's left and we can finally start counting down his return home. He sounds a bit sad when I talk to him. Overwhelmed with an underwhelming job and a boss who doesn't listen. He pours himself into work so he doesn't have to think about missing home and I can hear it in his voice every time he calls that he wishes he were here instead of there.

You'd think that would be the natural reaction but my husband loves being in the Navy. He loves knowing that he's where God needs him to be and loves being a part of something bigger than himself. Last year when he deployed he felt a huge sense of accomplishment-really proud of the job him and his team were doing to catch the bad guys. Now? Not so much.

So it looks like we're both stuck.

In a rut.

Monday Laughs

2010-05-17T08:20:00.000-04:00

I have a warped sense of humor and this to me is what funny is all about. (It also doesn't hurt that we have this same contraption for our beagle and have "tried" it as well-although not on our necks and NOT to this degree.)

Wordless Weekend: In the News Edition

2010-05-16T11:48:00.001-04:00

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming

2010-05-14T10:18:00.000-04:00

So, we're on day two of treatments, our second IUI will be this afternoon, so very soon after writing this I plan on being comatose for at least an hour so I can RELAX!

I will say that yesterdays treatment was not without disappointment. Unfortunately, with science comes consequences and the thawing process was not kind to us. Our count was very, very low which will significantly decrease our chance for success unless today's unthaw provides better results.

I must admit I was a bit deflated and discouraged. I was so energized by the great response to Follistim and thought "this is it". Of course, never say never, but I am more cautious than optimistic today.

I poured out my heart to Husband by email last night, asking him to pray for me to have peace. I know that if this does not work it's not the end of the road, just the end for now. We will not be able to resume until November when he returns home from deployment. He called me this morning happy, excited and encouraging. I love that he is my constant cheerleader and says "just have faith babe. God is good".

And he's right. God is not only good but amazing. All I have to do is look at my beautiful children to see the miracles He's provided for our family. My biggest prayer right now is one that I say over and over-it was what Jesus spoke in the garden before His persecution and death:

"Not my will but Yours be done"

God, You are bigger than numbers, You are bigger than infertility, You are bigger than me. Not my will but Yours. Amen.

The Thing Is

2010-05-13T08:47:00.000-04:00

This is the thing with infertility. Every decision that you make is a deliberate, one-foot- in-front-of-the-other step towards the future. It is being totally aware that each and every decision is a choice to change your life.

I am missing my husband and today he feels further away than most. This is the part of the process I like the least. The feeling of separation that is there, even if he were next to me holding my hand because it's not as it should be.

But today is a good day. One filled with promise and anticipation and the possibility of new life and love. I have butterflies in my stomach. I feel a bit like a girl with a secret that can't help but share.

I'm not sure how I will handle this going forward, I am on self imposed shaky ground in my desire to be open about the process. Please forgive me if I don't say anything about the outcome either way-for different reasons I may be quiet.

If you think of me today will you say a prayer?

Ho Hum and A Bottle of Rum

2010-05-11T11:36:00.001-04:00

Totally kidding about the rum. Got 'ya thinking, though, didn't it?

My mother is here. She came last weekend and will be here through the end of this month. Could there be anything more wonderful than sweet mommy hugs when Husband is gone?

Already the time seems to be flying by even as I think to myself this next six months is going to take forever. I think doctors appointments and shuffling to and from school are keeping my mind busy. It's almost a good thing that I am side tracked by follicle size and injection dosages.

Speaking of all things infertile, things in the baby making region seem to be going much better on Follistim than on Clomid. Already we have surpassed last months stopping point and it looks as if we can go ahead with the IUI within the next week or so. Right now I waiver between the excitement of becoming pregnant (God willing) and trepidation at the thought of possible multiples.

Jesus take the wheel...

The PCOS medication, Metformin, thankfully! has been almost side effect free. Happily the dry mouth is lessening and the craving for sweets has diminished significantly. My RE says that being on Metformin can help lower the risk of hyper-ovulation so for that reason alone I am thankful that I'm taking this medication.

What else can I bore you with today? There are no hot topics jumbled up in my mind today except for politics but I've decided not to go there.

OH! My brilliant son got accepted into the Gifted & Talented program for 2nd grade. I'm so happy he got Husband's smarty pants and still shows creativity and a love of books from me-his most right brained momma.

Prim has gone almost four days without a temper tantrum. Now to some of you, you may think-And your point is?

Let me tell you, I am a much calmer mom on the inside without the screaming and feet stomping. She has shown wonderful self control but I must admit that it is mostly me taking that extra breath and anticipating her sensitivity to certain situations that may be helping most.

Not to say, It's all about me and look how great I am for being patient. It's really more of it's about time you started paying more attention to the little things dummy.

One day I'll catch on.

And seriously, don't you love the picture?? Babies on the brain...

I Didn't Forget On Purpose

2010-05-10T09:19:00.000-04:00

It was Mother's Day and I didn't think of Prim's birth mom. Not once.

It wasn't until this morning, when I saw Sharon's Facebook post, that I thought of that young girl so very far away. What does that say about me? That I didn't think about the girl who gave life to our daughter. The one who will say goodbye a thousand times (maybe) throughout her life while I watch every milestone and cherish every hug.

I didn't mean to forget. But sometimes I do. There are days when her adoption is so far from my mind. There are more days when I think I should remember giving birth to her myself. I actually try and recall those first few moments of our meeting to remind myself of how she got here and then feel sad that I didn't carry her for those precious nine months.

It's not that I forget on purpose. Birthdays are more poignant to me than Mother's Day where her birth mother are concerned but still......I wonder as time goes on if I will think of her less or more...

Wordless Weekend: Spring Concert

2010-05-08T23:05:00.000-04:00

Striving for Perfection: A Lesson in Futility Part III

2010-05-07T07:54:00.001-04:00

Thanks for hanging in there with me. As I wrap up this last post on perfection I would like to say a few things before jumping in.

I am highlighting the difficult because there is a stigma. A pink elephant, self imposed stigma on marriage. Especially Christian marriages. We have all been, at some point, afraid that someone is going to play the un-Christian card against us. We smile in church and show up looking shampooed and put together so that the world sees our very, very Godly best. They will not see that we argued on the way to church about something petty and insignificant. They don't want to know that hubby slept on the couch last night because he may have indirectly inferred that we exercise. For our health. It's not important to mention that there have been nights when we slept on tear stained pillows, praying for morning and a fresh start.

Case in point. Who can forget the Gosselins? No really. Who can forget them because they're everywhere and they won't go away. Their show Jon & Kate Plus 8 was a huge hit. Why did people watch? Because this self professed Christian couple ripped on each other at every turn. Didn't it make us feel soooo much better about our own marriages? Didn't many of us say-from our very high horse- I. would. never!

I don't know how many times I read online the accusation that they couldn't possibly be Christians. Uh-Uh. No way, no how the Lord was in that house. Judge, judge, judge. A Christian woman would never berate her husband that way, her husband never sell out her insecurities and OCD tendencies on national television, especially in front of their precious children.

Really?

This isn't about Jon & Kate but it is about the ugliness that can hide and fester, oozing into our marriages like cancer. If memory serves me correctly I have been demanding, demeaning, self serving and selfish within the confines of my marriage. I have been angry, disgusted and antagonizing all towards the one person I promised to respect and cherish for the rest of my life. And I am a Christian woman.

I have learned the hard way that life is not what I imagined it would be. That has meant that it has been both difficult and immeasurably sweet. Humbling and ethereal. I have had more fun, cried more tears and laughed harder than I ever thought I would on this journey called life.

My problem with perfection was not with H but with myself. H being perfect meant that I could ride on his coat tails and share the light that reflected from his golden halo. I could bask in the ease of his perfectness and not have to do the hard work.

I know. It sounds almost ridiculous but at the time I thought I had it pretty much right and pretty much altogether. Recognizing and accepting everything about him meant changing some things about me, especially those little bitty expectations that kept bobbing about in my self serving ocean. It meant really seeing him for the man God made him to be, not the man I thought I deserved-who should have been, in a word-perfect.

A long time ago God saw to it that I marry a man who would and never could be perfect. Because if he was than I would not have turned to God in my moments of weakness. I would not have learned to die to myself and be reborn under the blood of the only perfect Man. We could never have grown together and eventually would have dissolved under the pressure-good intentions are nothing without God's direction.

God was in each and every moment and I'm sure there were times when He had great sadness for us. But now I hope He smiles because we listened. I listened.

Colossians 3:14 says
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Love is perfect when God is in it. It is healing, it is renewing and it can take your breath away. I see so clearly the gift that God gave me in my husband. I am humbled that He said you are my choice for him. He is my choice for you. Enjoy, experience and let Me be in it.

If I could do it again, if my vows were spoken today I would say this:

My love, when I was still a girl, it was the idea of you that captured my heart.
I dressed you up in shining gilded armor, perched you on top
of a magnificent white horse and said,
take me away to happily ever after.
What I know now is that you are more than perfect.
You are better than happily ever after.
You are real and you are mine.
You have carried my heart across oceans and desserts.
Faithfully tucked away where I am only yours.
Our love is deeper than time and wider than space.
You are my safe place to fall. My forever friend.
Thank you for loving me.

To my husband, who has watched me grow from a young woman to a mother and wife, I love you.

Striving for Pefection: A Lesson in Futility Part II

2010-05-06T07:50:00.000-04:00

If you haven't read Part I please head on over here before going further. It's for your benefit not mine-I tend to babble and it will keep things fluid...

If you're back for more of my ugly, imperfect self say a quick prayer that my words will be completely of the Lord. My purpose in writing about challenges in our marriage is to acknowledge and testify that we stumble when we put ourselves before God. And marriage is not a race but, hopefully, if we are blessed enough to grow wrinkly old together, a marathon of joys and challenges.

Now. Where were we?

I often wonder why I had this attitude of needing things to be perfect. I certainly was not perfect and really didn't expect it of myself. If I did I would be a meticulous housekeeper and that, my friends, is not the case.

Did I expect mediocrity for me? No. Did I hold myself to the same standards as my spouse? I said I did but probably not. Secretly I thought he should be more like me. More sensitive, more understanding, maybe even more passive for the sake of my pride.

I can remember being a child of the 80's. I know, just saying it gives me jelly bracelet, Madonna and side pony tail flash backs. For me, growing up had everything to do with how I envisioned my future. I was one big, romantic mess thrust in front of a television or boom box to be schooled in relationships. Put upon by evocative music lyrics like "I Want Your Sex" and "Like a Virgin" my perceptions of love, maturity and marriage became distorted and out of sync with what I had been taught by my parents. I saw perfection played out in ninety minutes on a movie screen and thought to myself, "I want that".

Am I blaming society or Hollywood for my unrealistic ideals of love and marriage? Absolutely not. But I can honestly say, as a young, impressionable girl, when you begin to romanticise a thin, legs-up-to-here prostitute that is swept off her feet by a rich, seemingly perfect man-there is room for cracks in the foundation. And don't even get me started with Top Gun. That movie was just one big falic symbol rolled up in Tom Cruise goodness (before his couch jumping and weird religion gave me the heebie jeebies).

But I digress.

Let's leave the 80's and move into 1998. Marriage day. White dress, white gloves, white chapel. Vows, not-so-first kiss, bubbles (rice was no longer fashionable or safe for bird consumption). Cake, friends and family, the Ritz Carlton Hotel. Back to work on Monday for new, darling husband. Reality hit on Tuesday.

Forever.

And ever. Oh crap.

I had no idea how to be a wife. I was a amazing girlfriend-rocked the casbah in that department. Loved his friends, loved his job, loved his mess. Our long distance, weekend relationship had been effortless and our four month engagement even better. Fresh, exciting, new. Now there were *gasp* expectations on both sides and not a single one spoken out loud. Just. Expected. Quietly, painfully, brewing beneath the surface expectations.

H had been an amazing boyfriend as well. Thoughtful, generous, PATIENT. Wow did that patience win me over. He thought of me as quirky sometimes but loved the role of "I know better than you, but aren't you adorable". I can't blame him-I put him there. I loved how tough and stormy he could be because it made me feel safe. He was, in some ways, an extension of my father. I made him my solid rock and expected him to never waiver.

I began to change my way of thinking shortly after the birth of our beautiful son. Our miracle. H was deployed and I delivered with the support of friends and family. But there was no husband to welcome our son with a kiss and no looks of adoration for the bride who gave him his first child. It was extremely painful to have that experience without him and soon after, the creeping, nagging thoughts whispered to me in those quiet moments alone with our new baby.

I did this all on my own.

I didn't need you after all.

You left me and I was still fine.

I am a good mother even without you here.

My pride began to grow, filling every void that had been opened with loneliness and insecurity. That pedestal slowly made it's way into the earth's atmosphere and I established myself as martyr extraordinaire. I was blameless and faultless because I had been (in my mind) abandoned. Again and again and again.

How could he compete with that?

I know you might be wondering where God is in all of this but stick with me. We're getting there. Come back tomorrow as I finish Part III of my futile journey in perfection.

Striving for Perfection: A Lesson in Futility Part I

2010-05-05T08:53:00.000-04:00

Four score and eleven years (plus some months) ago I entered into the legally binding, altogether consuming bonds of matrimony. At twenty one, in love and in desperate need of rescue I married a man who, to me, epitomized perfection.

Perfectly established.

Perfectly patient.

Perfectly encouraging and empathetic.

Perfectly driven.

Perfectly six years older to take on roles as both father and husband.

We shared a love of everything in the beginning and seemed to compliment each other in the ways that mattered most. Him, the charming naval officer, me the young and *oh so skinny at the time* trophy wife. Both fiercely conservative, appropriately extroverted and mutually faithful to God and family.

I made him perfect enough for the both of us. And then later. So much later when life did not go my way-I resented him for it.

Gone was the care free girl who looked up to him like a doting child. The golden pedestal I had placed him on began to slowly tarnish and crumble over the years as separation, infertility and loneliness crept into my heart like a disease.

Thankfully and by the grace of God the love did not die. We had fun, entertained, filled our time with friends and family, traveled. We still managed to laugh despite the biting, sarcastic banter that became our way of communicating. This, it seemed, was what marriage was. Growing older, growing apart and settling.

It wasn't until we had two and half years together with no deployments, little travel and an abundance of time together that we realized-we really don't like each other. Really. Did. Not. In the quiet times when the kids slept there was little to say and that became better than speaking with empty words.

I felt cheated. He was no longer perfection to me. His pedestal had become replaced with comparison, bitterness and utter disappointment. How could I love someone so utterly imperfect? After all of these years, had I misjudged my needs? Was he enough for my forever?

I can say these things now because I am the proverbial fool. A charlatan masked as a semi-pious Christian woman. When I said for better or for worse I did not mean it. Oh, I thought I did. I promised and vowed with every beat of my twenty one year old heart but what I really said was

take me as I am, but you sure as hell better not change.

That was the moment when I set up my beloved for complete and utter failure.

Tomorrow I will continue with Part II of lessons learned in a perfectly imperfect marriage.

The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

2010-05-04T18:22:00.001-04:00

I know we are not special. We share the burden of a deployed father and husband with thousands and thousands of families across the world. Yet, very selfishly, I feel like it is particularly unfair for my children. It's not that I feel a sense of entitlement, that we should be spared the pain of separation when others have done it longer and more frequently. I'm not saying we shouldn't have to endure it.

It's that I have to look into the watery eyes of my children and explain each and every day why Daddy is not home and it breaks my heart. Why he can not be here for birthdays, holidays and their Clone Wars weekend cartoon marathon.

Daddy always makes pancakes on Saturday mornings so I can sleep in. It's a ritual I started last deployment and have since passed that early morning baton to my husband who in turn pretends to grumble and groan about being a slave to small children each and every Saturday. He loves it and so do they, secretly triumphant in their power of persuasion over their father.

I hate stepping in and having to replace him. I'm not good at it and it's why he's the Dad and I'm the Mom. I don't do cool tricks on the trampoline and frankly after ten minutes I feel like a chain smoker and my toosh is sore for a week from the *ugh* exertion. Don't judge me, it's really hard (that's what she said) and the kids bully me to keep jumping until I cry Uncle. I have no one to tag in. It's just me and my sore butt.

I can't make paper airplanes that fly like Daddy. I'm not fluid in Star Wars speak and I definitely have no skills in the Lego repair factory that is our playroom. H literally super glued some of G's larger Lego sets for fear they would break and I couldn't repair them during his absence. I don't think ahead like he does.

I can't throw them in the air as high and little miss Prim notices that she can't touch the ceiling when I do it. I also don't have the same stamina. My husband has the energy and endurance of a ten year old in his pinkie finger alone.

I shouldn't have to be their everything. They should have the best of both of us, the balance that we bring to each other. They are learning so early that loss can be messy, even the temporary loss that deployments bring. Sometimes I feel incredible guilt. Especially for Prim. Every time he goes away she regresses. Emotionally she goes back to that place where life is not safe and the earth no longer spins around our home but is extended to a place across the world that is not tangible or understandable. Iraq may as well be a fairy tale land far, far away.

It breaks my heart to hear G say that he wishes there were people in the world who don't need Daddy's help anymore. But then, at night when we kneel to say our prayers, I know that God is working a miracle in our home because he prays:

Dear God
Please help Daddy to do a good job.
Keep him safe and his soldiers safe (still doesn't get that Daddy is a sailor :)
and help him to be a good example
to everyone around him.
Please help everyone in Iraq to see you
so that they can find peace.
Lord, be a light to my Daddy.
Amen

My kids are wiser than me because they see God without tarnished self imposed glasses. While I scream unfair!! for the sake of my children, God sees fit to give them early, precious lessons in humility, mercy and grace. While I pray that they are too young to carry such a burden, God responds firmly that they most certainly are not. He has seen fit to develop them in this way for His divine purposes.

And I may not see why now.

Or ever. But take comfort in the fact that He does.

Let me carry your burden He whispers. Come to me as a child He beckons. Cast your worries on Me.

To all of the men and women serving this nation and the cause of freedom throughout the world-I thank you and pray for your safe homecoming.

For the families who serve just as honorably at home, here and abroad, I thank you for being an inspiration and comfort to me. May God use this time to bless you and grow you in deeper fellowship with Him.

Watch This, Smile and Have a Good Day

2010-05-03T08:57:00.000-04:00

Wordless Weekend: Daddy Doll Edition

2010-05-01T14:50:00.000-04:00